"Fear" is it...

this blog should've been made earlier (like yesterday), but i forgot to post it...so I'll jus post it now.

"Everyone knows...tht i suck at talking (in general).

(Gotta get rid of the studders. The repeating of ideas. The unecessary & unrelated comments. The nervousness.)

But talking in front of an actual group of audience, up on stage....is freakyy (not many of u might see tht in me, but it's true). Like those who know me...I reallyy, extremely dislike SPEAKING...when it's in front of PPL, that are just a lil bit MORE than I'd be comfortable with. I would avoid it...nd let better-speaking nd eloquent ppl speak instead. My heart beats faster than the beats of a drum set (horrible metaphor...) whenever I'm up there. Even when I know why im doing it for...I let "fear" consume me. Funny...tht's actually wut I'm suppose to talk about, "fear"...wut irony.

nd u no wut...this reminded me of the story of Moses, when God chose Moses to "Let His ppl Go!". And Moses just kept denying that role. He kept making excuses that his "speech was uneloquent" nd that he was a crappy talker, nd putting himself down in all. Kinda giving God tht attitude of "Who am I?? to lead all these ppl out of suffering...".

Nd i thought....tht's kinda like me rite now. I guess God's calling me to just be a witness for Him to other ppl, and I'm afraid to carry tht out. Just cuse of a small amount of fear I have. I'm still letting the earthly atmosphere control & affect me. I care more about...the exposure of my physical weakness...more than what God wants. But...it wud never be me speaking wud it...but GOD. If I truly wanna witness to ppl, I gotta speak....nd let HIS words flow through me.

To be honest, I wouldn't have really accepted it...if i knew it was gonna be such a big function in front of a big audience lol. I originally thought it was jus gonna be within a small group inside our fellowship.

This'll be my first time ever...sharing a testimony in front of a REAL audience. In fact, it's my first testimony ever actually. I've never done one like this...in my life. I've heard one too many times of other ppl's testimony; nd i guess it's about time I share mine (not even sure if i have one...as in, have much to share bout my spiritual life with God). Like many ppl...I haven't experienced any life-changing moments, where I def saw God working through me. But God works through everyone...whether it be apparent or not. Clay within His hands...tht's wut we are.

...so pray for me. "

(I've always felt this way...jus thot it'd be a good time to share it now.)