I realize what i need to do, i realize the problem, but i don't really know if I really want to solve it deep down inside.

Even when im in action, in the process of doing something, i TOTALLY understand myself (that's the word i was looking for all along actually)(cuse not everyone does)

I understand my thought process.

As in, I'm aware of so many things, but just being aware..."changes" nothing in my life, i realized. I'm missing 'something', i need 'something'

I totally know WHY i do this, and HOW to correct it. But, kinda similar to you, nothing ends up resulting/concluding from that knowledge. Like, that knowledge being there is useless.

Oh crud, im so bad at explaining this stuff, but if you understood it...then cool!

You bring me Joy...

What brings me the most joy on this "earth"? Well, people do. Other people bring me the most joy.

If i was 5 yrs. old, maybe...a bag of chips would bring me joy (it wasn't too hard to satisfy me, but, i think i still didn't even get that).

--//If there's somethin you wanna say, im just gonna listen, yes you, you know who im talkin to.

Me, on the other hand...

The only difference between me and my parents, is that i don't show my panic or rage, but i bottle it all up inside. Like, my parents on the other hand, don't hesitate show any signs of displeasure, or disagreement.

But me, I can't, cuse i care too much...

Well, i guess, just one word: self-consciousness (i don't know what "n"th time i said this word already throughout my whole blog, but what i am, still stays with me.)

I can't get mad, i think a lil bit TOO hard, about the consequences after. unnecesarily too hard.

Virus...

My computer had a virus today...but thank goodness, God is good. He provides. Provided me with this dude; thanks Tony.

P.S. Watch out for musical TAB SITES (Esp. the 911 tab site, get your tabs somewhere else!). I never thought it would contain something like that.

Pride...matters. (not in +ve sense)

pride has brought me to this stage...

Maybe i shouldn't have been so prideful, all these years, especially in music.

Now ppl expect me (or think that...) to do crazy stuff, like play any song on the spot...even if i've never heard of it. This was all my cause though.

I guess it's cuse i gave them the impression of that.

My music ability has far gone raw. I mean, i can't even read notes anymore lol.

I'm not thatt crazyy of a pianist. In fact, im not crazy at all. I'm not that great...really.

I showed off too much...while i could, back then.

You know getting angry, shortens your life...by a lot...for those who care.

LOl, this is just a reminder, cuse i have nowhere else to put reminders

Find mp3s. Play them.

I Do - 98 Degrees
Halo - Beyonce
Something Special - Usher
Superhuman - Chris Brown/Keri Hilson
More Than Words - Extreme
God Must of Spent a Little More Time on You - N'Sync
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson
All My Life - KC & JoJo
Endless Love - Mariah Carey/Luther Vandross
Loving You - Leona Lewis
I Can Only Imagine - Michael W. Smith
Love Bug - Jonas Brothers
When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating
Thank God I Found You - Mariah Carey
Innocence - Avril Lavigne
I'll Be - Edwin McCain

ok, im sorry i had to put it here...i might remove it later, until it's over.

So i had my 2nd interview in my life yesterday.

I think it went pretty well.

Pastor Chiu and Auntie Serena were very nice.

All i gotta do is wait

3..."weird" (for lack of a better word) things that happened to me today.

1) I saw the people who robbed me, again, while having Happy time tea with my family. I felt and acted so awkward, cuse they were sitting right in front of me. I started staring at them first (just once), and they all stared back...just, staring me down (i could see by my peripheral vision)...there were like, at least 12 ppl. My heart was pounding just a bit. I'll admit, I was trying to hide behind my dad most of the time. And when my parents asked what the matter was, i wouldn't tell them...

During the time, my thoughts were: "I wish i hadn't agreed to coming out to eat, we could've stayed home."

2) Some random guy kept asking me for change, when a said, quite a few times already "I don't got no money on me". But i can see why he didn't trust me, as i just came out of Denison supermarket, and was also holding a take-out box from ha-mm-cha. He probably thot..."where'd i get all that from?"

3) My parents disappeared twice on me today...I was either with my mom, and lost my dad. Or with my dad, and lost my mom. And both times, we thought we saw them a minute ago, and then the next minute they he/she was gone.

Weird. these things happened today...just sharing.

what a family day.

Anger doesn't really hold too long does it...I'm blessed in that way. Thanks Lord.

I was pissed...now im happy. =)

It doesn't take much to do that...

"Why were you so down?"....

I was asked...

Well, u no, here it is...

It's just, I get SO disappointed every time (and im tired of it!)...

Like, i don't know who i am to these ppl. But they're a lot to me. They're someone i always wanna rmb. They're on my desktop, i look at them everyday.

I wanted (or felt that...) someone should at least talk to me. Except...well, someone(s) did (and thanks for that)...but in general, i felt pretty crap. Sometimes, i wonder how "close" we are...to each other...in each other's perspective.

I may suck at talking, cuse i don't much. I often don't even know what to say. But i expect 'warm love' every time we get to gather like this. And...the trend seems to be...im dissappointed every time. Every time, i look forward...get dissapointed, look forward AGAIN...get dissapointed again...and i finally looked forward to this day, for the past month...and...guess what?!, yea, whatever.

I tried to remember what Pastor Tim told us about, how "we always complain, why doesn't anyone comfort me, encourage me? come up and talk to me? Say 'hi' to me? Love me? I don't feel it! The love!....Instead, why don't we take that role ourselves and go and make others feel welcome! shake other ppl hands! Don't wait for them to shake yours! Spread the love to others!...instead of sulking by yourself, complaining, that you're not shown enough love. That is our job! Take it upon yourself if you know how it feels...if u no it's lonely when ppl don't talk to you, then talk to others!!"

I really liked that point that pastor tim mentioned...but today, i failed to do it. You know why...im not even gonna say that this a reason...but, i wish...I could TALK!! I wish i was good at talking!! I wish i was an exceedingly well friend maker!! Why can't i talk like everybody else...y do i just suck so much!...at everything, at engaging in a convos, being the one to be friendly to others first! WHYYY?!?

If you want me to pour everything out...I thought, these were the only ppl i could depend on. Ppl that maybe i would turn to? Ppl i would share to, or go to...for anything, i KNOW they would help me. Like, is that description good enough? There's not a lot of those kinds of ppl around for me. Basically, they were my "dependent ppl" i mean, well..."ppl i could depend on". There's a sense of security and comfortability whenever i think of them and see them. But how can that happen, if i can't even feel "close" to them?!? I don't know if they share the same value of that...with me, as much as i do.

So after service, in my head, i was picturing us...going out together and eating. Just us...1st yrs. But i don't even know where they all went after...i didn't give a 'shoot'...i just went home.

Last of all, im sorry if i kinda 'hurt' or offended anyone, when i stared them down a little, and didn't talk much.

I meant that...

I hate you...'misunderstanding'. I never mean what i say...not because of 'carelessness" or "casual talk" i don't even know what you call it, basically, you don't really care about the words you say anyways.

But for me, I always end up saying something, that im not trying to say. It's like...totally different, from what i meant. And people don't ask what i meant, because they got the message alright...the WRONG one that is...NOT the message i was tryina give at all! I mean, that's not what i want, why the heck would i want that?!

e.g. Comment made: ( changed my mind, won't be putting it )
meaning: ...

intentions v.s. appearance, words v.s. meaning/intentions

I also send ppl weird signals apparently, ppl think im pissed...when im not. Or that i don't really like something...when i really do.

I continue to pray for confidence...and an ability to 'speak'.

--//If you think a comment "can" be, or is "capable" of being offenseive...then it's an offensive comment. It's just that...usually, you just somehow sugar coat it, to make it less offensive. You just don't want to say it like that, so the other person will hate you. But in the end, the ultimate idea, that point you made...was offensive no matter what. There are ways to twist/make things Less offensive, or unoffensive. But it's not the other way around. Just don't ever think that, you are NOT making an offensive comment, cuse you are. You're just making it less strong, to lessen the impact. This world is full of "offense"... [I really don't know what the point of this paragraph is)

keep in mind, im not even sure if "offensive" is the right word, i just realized how many times i used it. Maybe "critical/critizicing" is better?

Yo...I'm sorry

I have to confess…that…I’ve very often disliked the way Chinese people are.

They’ re always pushing and shoving…their attitude and expressions always annoy/disgust me. They’re cheap (but…it’s just the way Chinese people are cheap that really makes it distinct). All they care about is…business? They talk too much…in an environment such as this…And sorry to hafta say this...but they're FAKE most of the time...oh my goodness...tht's so key...

(I wish i could be less judgemental, but this is all coming out from 'up there' rite now...and i don't change or edit anything..it is how it is)

But this is just particularly what you would see in a Chinese supermarket/mall or something…

So obviously, not all Chinese people are like that.

Not trying to be racist against Chinese people here. Since I too…am Chinese.

But it’s just that “habit” or “thing” about us Chinese ppl I don’t really like. It’s sort of like a stereotype too that Chinese ppl are like that. In a way, I wish i wasn’t like that…not that I don’t want to be Chinese, but I don’t wanna be like the way they act.

People of this “Stereotype” it does NOT include, is probably: CBC’s, and maybe ppl from church. There are still patient, loving, caring, Chinese ppl ofc (I’ll hafta say, that maybe I usually see in church). But typical Chinese people would probably be seen as the first description.

Not to put our culture in to shame or anything, but that is probably something I’m not very proud, of being (as in that side, of us Chinese ppl).

Setting: Chinese New Year, “hang gai”

Man, it seems like a typical thing...someone has put out there already, I doubt im the first one to say this, because I’ve watched so many videos that probably touch on that.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone, when reading this blog. lol

oh happy day, happy day, i finished my midterms today (and i think i did decently well).

--// That "time" He has predicted is near, and we do not know it.

I'm referring to the end of the world a.k.a. when Jesus comes back (second time). All this is happening according to exactly how he wrote in the scriptures.

Like everything would work out, if He came back, and we were just all...children of God. That would be...a "happy day".

This thought was sort of stimulated in me, when we discussed about Haiti today. How many churches (and other buildings ofc) fell to the grounds from a devastating earthquate. The voodoo religion, is now taking this opportunity, this advantage, this chance, to say..."There is a reason why the churches fell, and we survivide: this is the fall of christianity...and the beginning of voodoo. You christians are no longer welcome here."

i wish i had the ability to share...i suck at that.

When im done exams, im gonna compose my heart out.

You kill me? I kill u...(with chinese accent)

You can’t make “friends” with everyone. Cuse you can‘t be on “everyone" 's side.


--//The world now…is “what goes around comes back around”

“What you do to me, I will do back to you.”

“If you cheat on me, I’ll cheat on you”. (jus an e.g.)


Lol totally diff from “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" (in the Bible, Matthew 5:39)

And it’s totally different when it says in the Bible “do to others as you would have them do to you”. that’s a different story, cuse that’s just the right mind set. It's more of how you should think, not literal “if you do something to someone else, they’d do exactly the same thing back to you"

“What comes around, Goes around” - Justin Timberlake

Lol, haha just finished listening that song a moment ago.

I see now...I get it.

Until i finally bought a guitar, i didn't know what it meant for it to be a 'baby', or now...'my baby'. I so understand now lol.

Whenever i borrow other people's guitar, all i think about is, how much i can't wait to play it, how many sick riff's im gonna be able to make on it, or just...that im gonna play it! lol. Basically, i'm not really concerned too much about whether i damage it or not (I hafta admit).

But now, that i have one of my own...all i think about is, how not to get it damaged, e.g. hitting it against walls, doors, freezing it in the cold.

Lol i actually care and am conscious about it now, and i get how and why other people care too. It's not really right...to not care about other ppl's stuff, and only yours. There's something called...bein "considerate". lol.

When in panic (if that makes sense)...be EXTRA EXTRA careful.

-Dad

That's always directed at me.

I've been starting (well, for a while now...) to grow numb to the sin around me. All of a sudden, i decided to sort of reflect on my past, and how innocent i was. Innocent in every 'sense' i would say. As innocent as a baby who knew nothing of the world outside, and innocent enough to *gasp* at some perhaps, big sins people used to commit (probably "minor" to me now, since it's everywhere)..., like swearing, stealing, sex-related stuff. Now, i can't tell people to "stop swearing!'" anymore, cuse i've done it too many times, and i myself get annoyed of doing it already.

Back then though, every swear word i heard, made me...sorta "cringe"? It just wasn't comfortable words to hear. Like, it was uneasy, to the ear. I've lost that sensitivity already...and so has most people...even christians ofc. But what can we do about it. When you grow up, and experience life...it does that to you. I believe it is somewhat some sort of..."conformation".