1、白天是恩典，黑夜也是恩典
2、富足是恩典，貧窮也是恩典
3、平順是恩典，風浪也是恩典
4、健康是恩典，疾病也是恩典
5、生命是恩典，死亡也是恩典

1) the day is a blessing, night is also a blessing
2) abundance is a blessing, poor-ness is also a blessing
3) smooth times are a blessing, rough times are also a blessing
4) health is a blessing, illness is also a blessing
5) life is a blessing, death is also a blessing.

(excuse the bad translation from me)

Nothin you have right now, is not a blessing.

This really helped.

I wish i could learn from him.

u no wut's cute (yea, i said "cute")...

Calvin yong, that i haven't seen for like 4 months (since i went into uni) shows up at my doorstep to give me a Christmas present. He said it was for driving him around to church and all, so his mom (who works as a fabric..person, or basically someone who makes products out of fabric) gave me two really nice pillows.
To be honest, I almost forgot bout all that, which i felt kinda bad...mmm...i lost my train of thought now, but it was very nice to know that what i did (bring him to church nd stuff) meant so much to him. I wanna bring him again hopefully.

-Conan Yu

I come back to my Dad playing chess with himself...

tht idea seems pretty contradicting to me, but he says it helps him think.

pretty jks.

--/Tonight, was some sort of a "revival" and "bringing back to the real meaning of Christmas" type of message. It definitely reminded me, what Christmas was all about. And, the example PTQ used was really interesting.

All nighters aren't SOOOOOo Bad....

*i might just pass out soon...won't even know it.

--/Thanks Lord, for helping me get though all this.

It's almost Christmas, it's Your birthday soon. (even if it's just a day set by us)

2 exams in a day...here i come.

We really can't have any other desire except for God. But unfortunately, we do...

If it weren't for other stuff, ungodly stuff, we'd be pretty perfect with God I'd think.

It also opens up a path for us to fall away.

emotions, priorities...tht's also part of it too.

SHOOT...i jus realized i lost all the stuff i composed...


+ all music...ohhh, that sucks.


If only i was more prepared....

weird...i stumbled across some "old" dido videos...and im watching it right now.

I never knew...they were there. Or perhaps, maybe i was never MEANT to know they were there. But some of the stuff they said, i never realized, or never got to hear it actually.

this is so random tho...all of a sudden, i started to search for dido videos on youtube LOl. Random.

But yea, there was this "confession" prt?...was pretty intent to listen to what they had to say. I think it was probably recorded 4 months ago tho.

--/side note: I like watching "old videos" from time to time. Wut i mean by tht is, videos tht bring back memories. Esp Dido nd Scac. I re-watched didopalooza nd KTB the other day.

I'm not creative at all lol...

I'm tired, I'm sick, and im studying. Have an exam in an hr.

But soon...

--//I guess these were the things stressin me out today:

- a program in my laptop stopped working (that i needed for the final exam, for a computer course) 30 min before the exam.

- I was sick while writing it

- I didn't do good...i mean "well" on it

- Everything in my laptop got erased (after re-imaging): lecture files, programs, pics, music, vids, games, stuff i record down, Dido...stuff, memories,...wallpaper. *sigh

basically 4months worth of stuff tht i accumulated (which i have no idea what i ever had in there).

But yea, that was basically my day.

Probably the worst day of my life. But i'm not gonna complain too much...

How have i been doing?

Wow, when u don't blog a while...you really, don't know what to blog about.

Well, if you really wanna know, recently, I've been just exploring and experiencing what's out there instead of sitting in front of my laptop/computer like i used to. God's given me so many new opportunities to go out there, nd just discover stuff.

uni...is definitely part of sumthin tht'll change part of my life.

i can't wait...you guys.

I finally found it...or 'someone' finally found it.

"It’s Called, The Gr.12 Boiz nd Gurlz song"

(words/music by: ABC exp.)

V1:

Jenny, you are so cute,
the cutest of them Ho’s.
You are so ‘sing mook’,
And that is fo sho.

V2:

Carrie, you are so sweet,
you’ve got a BEAST voice.
You use it to serve,
helps us sing and rejoice.

Sick Chorus:

This is our Graduation song…(yeap, sing it)
You’ll always be…our Boiz & Gurlz!
This is our Graduation song…(ha-ha)
You always goin be in ow hearts,

V3:

Gretchen, you are a man,
probably could beat us up.
But you always understand,
We thank you so much.

V4:

Pauline’s so petite,
but her voice is so loud.
If it really weren’t for that,
we’d probably lose you in a crowd.

Chorus (the sickest and best one ever)

V5:

Jasmine, you’re our co-chair,
You did a great job.
When you go to Carleton,
Go find yourself a fob.

V6:

Jennifer, what a traitor,
You went on joined Capstones (that’s wack)
Even though, you beat us,
We’ll always welcome you back.

Chorus (the sickest and best one ever)

V7:

Maggie, you’ve been kinda quiet,
or at least you are to us.
We know we’re kinda scary,
But you can always approach us (trust)

V8:

Billie, you’re such a friend (real friendly)
You photograph our lives.
You like to scratch our backs,
and band-aids give you hives.

Chorus (the sickest and best one ever)

V9:

Chris, what a fob,
you taught us lots of “cho lo” Chinese.
You seem to love rockband,
don’t stop being funny (puh-lezzz)

V10:

Arnold, you’re quite an artist,
you sing and you draw.
you play awesome Frisbee,
it leaves us in awe.

Chorus (the sickest and best one ever)

V11:

Jason, you like to touch,
but in a friendly way.
You’re such a nice guy,
have fun as Brian’s roommate.

V12:

Kevin, you are a Pu,
we’ve seen how you’ve grown.
though you were once new,
now you’re one of our own. (our bro)

Chorus (the sickest and best one ever)

V13:

Ivan, you’re so G,
Thanks for coming tonight.
You disappeared for a while,
gave us one heck of a fright.

V14:

Vivian, you are so nice,
thanks for being so cool.
Though you joined us a bit late
,your style makes us drool.

Chorus (the sickest and best one ever)

V15:

Jon Lau, dang your tall,
You went to boarding school.
The distance was far,
but we still think you’re cool.

V16: (start of extended version)

"Yo A & B"

"You guys offer up your house,
as caring brothers.
You guys are mad funny,
unlike, my mother (jks, had to do tht in order for this to work)"

"We had great times of bonding,
You guys loved me oh so much.
All those jamming sessions,
You guys have nice musical touch."

"You guys have been the ultimate encourager,
and a leader for Christ.
You guys send me many emails,
reading them, feels so nice."

"Whenever I'm a rebel,
You take me in your home.
You give me rides everywhere,
wherever I roam."

"You guys call me up,
whenever you chillin'.
I'm so thankful,
You guys are always so thrillin'."

"Thank God,
for all He's done.
Through these years,
We've had so much fun."

Chorus (sickest and Best one ever)

V17

Albert, I dunno even know why ur in this song,
but maybe it’s cuse ur cool. (or special)
your probably the funniest Korean I know,
and I think I could probably beat you in pool.

(note: this whole verse might not flow with origin melody)

You’ve got quite a massive head
and, I think your very smart (I jus know)
Sometimes i think on my bed,
about how you + I = hart (only between u and me albert)

tht's rite Albert...(you get grey)...reflects wut i think of you.

----

Maybe I shud make a track out of it sometime…someday, when I actually got time.

A Reminder.

God's Word...is love.

You can be nice, and "love" ppl...but you don't love, unless you spread God's msg out to people.

You don't get persecuted, or made fun of for doing nice things, and pleasant things, and winning ppl over.

You get persecuted for spreading God's word. And im sure, each and every one has prob had a "taste" of that before already.

Those who love and live for God are persecuted.

note: I tend to act really weird when im tired.

I really hate lukewarm water...I want it either hot or cold. Especially when im showering. Hate lukewarm.

Fine, when i said hot, i meant "warm-hot", not boiling ofc.

I have now officially stayed four weeks!...without going home...which = not doing laundry...

but DON't worry!...i had 4 weeks worth of laundry...

yeap, amazing eh...

Come to think of it, I don't think i ever really cared much about my future. Like, where i would be, or what i will become in the future. I always thought, if i was still happy, it would be fine. And, i also thot that, money never really made me happy. Altho, it would be nice to have it.

I don't think i tend to try really hard in skool, or maybe i do...sometimes.
But i don't know why im doing it. I jus do it...cuse...ur suppose to. I really never understood how any of this benefited me...or others, in the future. Generally speaking, there's nothing that motivates me to do well in school.

And ofc, i've heard, that gaining all these knowledges through the years, can help u serve the Lord in the times to come. Like, this is sort of a prep, and a skill needed to bring other people to Christ. And yea, it's true i think.

But i guess...I'm jus...plain lazy sometimes. i mean, All the time.

I just always thought...that if i enjoyed what i was doing...which is to help ppl, maybe with the talents and gifts God has given me, it would be enough. A social worker matches this description!

i don't wanna be a doctor in fact...or a pharmacist...or...in the medical field. That's jus not me. It's the money. I don't want the money. And rite now...im taking lifescience.

i like interaction! brightening ppl's days!...cuse i felt tht b4...all the time, in fact. Think i have that in me.

interest + ppl = happiness (in terms of a job)

lol DAY OFF today...yeeee.

No skool. Cuse water pipes broke down.

But now, no water, so i can't use the washroom. Actually i can, jus can't wash my hands after. And can't take GDs.

Gee-tar

So today, I went to Long & Mcquade...and u no wut, guitar's are friggin expensive! I feel i learned that today...i came in with bout $100...and walked out...with $100.

the cheapest one was...$199!...and the site said...$99, it lied completely!

and danggg, i actually wanted to buy one...

but u no wut sucks tho, everytime i sleep, I don't know what time I actually sleep, because I'd be rolling in my bed for a few friggin hours (until my brain actaully shuts off, and gets total rest). And when i wake up, I don't know how much sleep i got/how long i slept...or if i slept at all.

it's because i think too much in my sleep. I find, even if there's activity in your brain still (like, when u think and use it normally)...you're not getting ANY rest at all. It's because that activity keeps you awake. It' jus like, if you're always in motion...u can't sleep, you gotta lie STILL in order to sleep. Same goes for the mind. You have to rest your mind also, aside from all other parts from your body. And i can't do that. I struggle with tht. It's jus sooo hard for me. This could be really unbeneficial (if there's even a word) for me; cuse waking up not knowing how long i slept, can screw me over. I think i get the right amount of sleep, but i actually don't. Or...(actually, it's usually that case, tht i mentioned first).

"Sin makes u stupid..." wut i learned today.

edit//...so does not reading the Bible...(from my experience)

--/So today was sunday, and i was suppose to wake up for church at around...8:55am (that's when the bus leaves). And i gotta confess, the only thing i wanted, was more sleep. So i ended up sleeping until...8:50, and i go...crapp, im missing the bus for sure. And i have another confession to make lol, which is that i was thinking to myself: "I don't care if I make it or not...if not, I'll jus get more sleep!". So that's wut i had in mind. So i's like telling God, "If You really want me to make it...then by the time i walk down, it'll still be there. If not, then it won't." So i was thinking of grabbing breakfast after and enjoying my sweet time if i didn't make it (which i was kinda assuming already). As a result, i took my sweetest, longest time to walk down to the bus stop where ppl waited to get picked up to church. And by the time i got there, I was already 15 min late, so im like "Guess I'm not gunna make it today, God!"...and guess wut, ppl were still waiting! I's like, "how can ppl still be waiting, it's 15 min past". But they're jus like..."the bus is late today". And im like..."is it late, every time?" And the answer was "nope, jus this time, when u came. In fact, it usually comes early".

So I guess God was tellin me sumthin, I can't ever find excuses to run away from stuff like this, whenever i try to lie to myself or satisfy what i want.

In fact, i realized the bus is ALWAYs late, everytime i come. Guess God really has things planned out...

lol kinda random...but i have this bad habit...of tellin ppl what they wanna hear.

"It's not what they wanna hear, it should be what you WANT them to hear."

there is a difference...surprisingly.

How many times do i hafta to tell u, it's not your love, it's God's love. Hai.

Srry, jus talkin to myself.

I've gotta learn some self-discipline. I don't need someone to discipline me, I've got myself.

can't always go with stuff that only satisfies me or gives me pleasure. u no wut i mean?

I also noticed that i lacked that of being considerate at times.

I wish i could sleep on demand...my ultimate wish rite now.

I drank bad milk today...

I learned to really not say stuff I don't mean...

Rebel...

Sum of events this weekend (pretty much at Adrian's):

Fri

- Went to Colluni, made care packages for out-of-town uni ppl
- Went Hollywood, got to know Colluni ppl more (which weren't tht many...)
- Played jits till 3:00 am (now i know wut late is...to them, their "early" was, my "late")

Sat

- Woke up at 12:00pm, ate lunch with Adrian's dad (and Adrian ofc..)
- Went to Woodside library to study...
- When the library closed, we went to Albert's car to study LOL. We got a lot done (I'm not even bein sarcastic).
- Ate Dinner with Adrian's dad, and Adrian (with Albert this time...)
- protected his house from being egged by "egg-ers" for 3 friggin hrs! omg...all we really did, was camp outside in Albert's car, and we were planning to ambush them by rushing out and taking our hidden baseball bats and surround the guy...or girl. Cuse apparently this happens EVERY single year...CEPT this one!
- "they" all went trick or treating after...somehow Adrian had a mask for all of them.
- played jits till 3:00 am
- Everyone played Hon, while I slept, cuse there was church tmr

Sun

- Woke up for church
- Ate lunch with Colluni ppl
- Went to Petsmart, cuse Ivan wanted pet...He didn't get one.
- Got to Unionville bus stop 1 hr ahead of time, because i didn't turn my clock back.
- Met Joey at the bus stop.

What a morning...

I almost...almost...missed my exam. If it weren't for someone...or some thing. Cuse i shut my alarm clock off, tht wus suppose to wake me up....wud've jus easily overslept.

I have concluded that...I AM TIRED. Wut could i expect out of 3hrs of sleep. I thot i was awake...thought wrong lol.

froze during the exam...everythin i studied i know, was on the test...my brain jus wasn't functioning properly. At some point, i think i forgot how to press the inverse trig function on my calculator. And i jus felt like, i was jus sitting there...staring at the paper the whole time. Don't think i was using my time productively.

Also, before i went in to do this exam, I had Tim Hortons coffee and water, first time experience ever, doin tht in the morning.

Bad choice...Had massive diarrea, and ppl around me were like wtheck, cuse i had this weird look on my face. Like i was in pain, and constipated...i guess, u guys didn't really need to know all tht. But jus recording down events of today=P

omgoodness...y can't i sleep...-_-, i am SOoo sleepy, but i CAN't SLEEP. Wut is this...

I was suppose to sleep at 9:00pm (to wake up for an exam that's 7:00am tmr), but i ended up rolling in my bed...for 5 fricken hours! -_-, and here i am...back on my laptop.

Well, i have 6 hrs, no 5 hrs now...great.

-----

Well, now that I'm up, I read 1 Corinthians 1:1.

A few quotes that caught my eye were:

"God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (1 Corinthians 1:27)

I'm like whoaa, I'm pretty...foolish, i would say 0_o, nd weak...nd many aspects, lol. But ofc, tht's not the point.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom,, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." (1 Corinthians 1:25)

0.o God has weaknesses....? (tht's the thot tht came to mind), but i dun think it's in a literal sense probably.

"Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord'" (1 Corinthians 1:31)

So boasting isn't all tht badd...you just gotta boast right! Like, i thot that was pretty amazing.

Keepin your sleep to a minimal...

It's really NOT good to sleep the extra hours, or as much as you can. Cuse say you do, for one day, you get soo much sleep and all the energy you need. The next day, you'll be restless, and roll around your bed, jus like i did. But again, tht's just me. From now on, I'm forcing myself to wake up, no matter what; just so i can get my minimal sleep. Or maybe, an explanation could be, tht I'm just a hard sleeper. or i mean..."hardly" a sleeper. yea, tht works.

This cycle just continues...on and on for me. Like, I'd be dead for one day, and alive for another...nd it alternates. Tht's the wonderful experience I'm getting rite now.

Being happy isn’t all about making yourself happy,

It’s about making other ppl who you love happy, I find.

You find most joy in that.

---/a best thing a friend would ask for, is your ability to understand them. Like, actually understand them.

What is love? We're not (We-are-not), for sure...

Only God is...which I'll never understand.

I dunno wut kinda dream i had (maybe i sorta do...), but when i woke up, I was maddd sweating. And i was in the basement. And yes, i sleep in the basement rite now.

---/I used to think that: In the future, if i fail in life...would everyone still treat me the same?

But i guess a better question would be: Would God? Well, i would think so...i mean, OFC He would.

The reason behind me thinking that was...I imagined myself to be some...iunno "bum" some day, i wondered how my life would be different from how it is now. Would ppl still recognize or achknowledge me for who I am. Will i still be the same "Conan" in front of everyone. Will i still be invited to the same ppl's house as i am now. Would i still be loved, like I am now.

So yea.

P.S. I don't plan on being a "bum".

Why you don't sit in the back rows (when u actually feel like listening):

- That's where ppl game and talk, so it's not exactly a good place if you actually wanna listen
- You can always see ppl in front of you game. And u'll stare at it, for the rest of the lecture.
- You can't hear questions asked by ppl in front of you. But ppl in the front can hear questions asked by you. (I don't think that's very fair...)
- It's harder to hear, see & ur less motivated to listen.

(You wouldn't have any of these problems if you were sitting at the front)



all i gotta say is, don't be late!...the lecture hall is small enough alreadi (200 ppl max). UOIT in general, is a small place, but not a small School.

Mr. lonely...

Somehow, I'm pulling through...

I got a 100% on an assignment that, i don't think i was supposed to get a 100% for.

And somehow, I'm doing well...in general.

I'm done all exams today. Thanks. =)

Went over to neighbors for chicken wings and french fry wedges, cuse i didn't have a dinner today. (they had 50 wings, and like a bucket of wedges, for 3 ppl!). They almost needed my help to finish all of it.

Thanks for the provisions Lord.

I thank You, God, for today.

Haha.

PRRAAISEE GODDD!!

Praise the Lord! My Grandma (Popo...) accepted Christ today!!!!

I'm too happy myself too...

But my parents were like crying...tears of joy.

For 80 years, it felt like we almost gave up hope on her (which wasn't exactly a good thing), but God did not.

Some bros/sisters of Christ came over to her house today, and she accepted Christ.

Amen.



P.S. I was tingling so much, my senses were like all over...can't describe the feeling, when i heard the news. How Great is out God.

Now, BOTH my Grandmas have salvation! Yay!

My parents said I'm allowed to go now...

respects.

---/I wish i could make a song for you.

Haiizzz

Urbana is...$700?! (CDN)

Man, my parents are good at makin me feel guilty....

Bus 162
Housing 160
Food 50
Program 395

U.S conversion (x 1.1)

Total $843.70

(the top was subisized cost included)

I wanted to prove my parents wrong...but in the end, they're ones that do quite the research. It's like they go so far, to not let me go.

I've always wanted to go tho...I always wanted to experience wut it was all about.



My parents keep asking me these guilt/challenging questions like:

"Do you even know why you're going"??

A very simple question.

But I was afraid to answer the question, because...partially, and i knew it was definitely part of the reason, was cause all my friends were going. that wouldn't be the ONLY reason. But for sure, I know that would definitely have contributed to it, and been part of my motivation to go. Cuse i know, if none of my friends went...i definitely would not be as hyped to go. I would maybe still wanna go...but havin friends there would be nice.
I know to go there isn't just a "chill" time and "bonding" time with friends; Altho there's time for that. But i DO know the purpose of this event. And i know why im going. I know I will "benefit" and take something away from it in the end. I DO have my own reasons for going. But ofc, it's always good to know ppl that are going also.

Like, u see, i didn't want to tell my parents that. Cuse i ultimately already knew the result & consequence after doing so.

And knowing me...i mumbled my way through...like i didn't know what i was saying. One of those times where i lack all confidence.

I really wanted to experience this...it might be once in a lifetime? There's only so long, that i get to be in university. I mean, you only get to be in uni once, rite? You can't back and experience it again. Urbana, could happen "once" in your university life (most likely). And it is targeted TOWARDS those in university from across the nations.

Opp, I lied...

I keep hearing keyboard-piano sounding music from the bottom of my room (lower floor), and I get so tempted.

My parents wouldn't let me bring a keyboard of my own. And i wanted to get acqainted, or get to know some other "music buddies" in this uni. Somethin we all share in common. But what i was most tempted of all, was to just join them, and show them...what i was made of.

That was a HUGE temptation. I just felt like going down there, and just be like..."Hey, let's JAM!"

But they drink and smoke weed, so....

This blog is dead.

For now...

Blogger no more...

So i removed this off my msn name. It won't be displayed publicly anymore.

cuse i realized, I'm doing it for the wrong reasons now.

And rite now, Ppl don't need to see this. It's not even exactly a good witness to anyone. Why am i putting this stuff up for ppl to see. These are my thoughts. And they're not always "good".

Before, I wanted to blog about spirituallity and encouragement so that people could read it, would be encouraged and really see wut it's all about. To see where all my encouragement comes from. I was suppose to witness to ppl, but rite now...what is it. It's literally a place for my emotions...and that is NOT a good way to witness for ppl. For the ppl who read it, it'll just be like another one of those blogs...

I'm pissed. How ironic isn't it...

Worst day for me...

It's not fair.

I'll learn someday...but not today.

---/Side note: Our toilet overflowed today, and flooded my side of the room. But i didn't have it bad....

Angry Angry appetite...(don't really know how that makes sense)

Sometimes, anger is something you just gotta...learn how to control.

When in doubt, don't get angry.

Also, b4 u feel like it, understand the other person. See from his perspective. See from His eyes. Stand in His shoes. U gotta BE him. If it's not a person, there's no point of getting angry (actually...srry, gave it a little thot, and that might not be entirely true).

Ppl say this a lot, but "When does getting angry solve anythin..."

or "Where does anger always lead to..."

So b4 you/I get angry, it's good to consider the consequences before you do it. And most important of all, know wut and why ur angry...?

i just always think of it as...it's never the end of the world. Unless it really is. Or, your not gonna die. Things can be reversed (most of the time?), but not always ofc. there's always a solution. Nothing can possibly be tht terrible...i just think of it that way. Look ahead. Just know that this stuff will never stay with you forever. So why not just forget it now, since u are gunna, anewayz.

pretty stupid emotion if u ask me. But God gets angry, i don't get why it exists...this emotion. Why'd He create it, where even God Himself....possesses it.

I've always kinda wondered God. But i kinda know an answer to it already...

P.S. srry this was kinda rushed...i'll come back to it later.

---/Altho, it Is understood that...you need to express point across. There's gotta be...a less aggressive way in doing so. I know, emotions (like anger) are used to express yourself effectively. But how do you do it without hurting others, beef-ing, or leavin some kinda tension behind.

I just have to somehow learn to like studying...reading...and learning.

---/the mention of "independence" to my dad today, stimulated something in his emotional nerves. It was so uncalled for.

You know, pictures always enrich/color-coat the way ppl see things. Like people always seem to be having so much fun...than they really actually are. But an alternate reason, could be that...maybe i'm just wishing i was there. And because i wasn't there to 'experience' it with them, it makes me feel like they're having so much fun. But I wasn't part of that fun tho, so how would i know? Because it really just shows you...wut you "missed out" (regardless if it was a good or bad time), when you possibly/potentially could've been there. That's what i think.

I go like...whoa there havin so much fun. But then i look back, i've been there, done that, with these ppl b4. It wasn't THAT fun. The only difference would be, without me. That might make a BIG difference tho, who knows.

---/At Uoit, i don't take any pics at all there, cuse there are NO pics to take. As in, nothing much in UOIT, would be worth taking. You don't really..."do stuff" there. Unless you count studyin as one...

---/I've been really interested in Catholicism lately.

Whenever i get nervous...i start offending ppl. I just noticed that. (ok, that might be a lie...bout me just noticing it.)

but I believe the reason behind it, is cuse...[in "Conan-mode", srry, tht's wut i call it...] i often don't know what to say or respond to something (it's like my brain's not there anymore, or i lost it somehow...), and a lot of crap ends up coming straight out of that mouth of mine. which can...and somewhat has b4...costed friendships.


and everytime after i say it...i feel like a ******** (srry bout the language.)

I guess I DID get to see some ppl today...glad i was able to make it to english side.

But there were just soo many ppl...man, and i had to leave right away too.

Anewayz, Chem midterm coming up this Tuesday. Sucks like a...fiddlestick.

---/Today, at junior church worship, i got so embarassed...

cuse i forgot how to play the doxology...and one of the aunties were like: "You have to practice ahead of time...*shakes head*...".

And yea...i got killed by guilt, at the moment.

---/at some point, i think im gonna forget how to play the piano...or how to bang a drum. The way i used to play it ofc. But tht's how ppl lose their over uni...i think? well, if they dun pursue it...

---/hold me, love me, comfort me...

I love it.

i wanna overcome the effect that time has on us...

Hope this is sumthin i won't ever forget.

---/I can't sleep as well as i used to b4...too many thoughts on my mind.

I've been waking up to, and staring at my laptop screen for the past weeks/months hoping to see these ppl. And it flops...all the things i look forward to always flop.

I have to wait TWO mre friggin months. Don't shoot me...but hit me now...

I dunno why, but I always get nervous…whenever my parents are around. I just…don’t know what to say, sometimes. In a way…it’s hard to satisfy them. Like’s it been a while since I’ve seen them, I wanted to start off with a happy note…but it just never changes.

Like i totally don’t act like the way I am…when they’re totally around. I change…when I see them, in not such a good way…as in a I get nervous, c-cuse it’s my parents. I don't even know why i do. I don’t seem to know what I should do or say most of the time.

Most of the things they have to say is "im never on top of things, and that im clueless, and not sure what im doing." But the reason for most of that is because THEY’re around, no offense (cuse i kinda get panic-y, as in nervous panic). And I know…majority of you already know me as a clueless person already. But in front of my parents…I dun even no wut im doing anymore (not tht I ever did, but it gets worse) my mind goes blank.

weird isn't it? Who on earth shares that kinda relationship with their parents? How often do ppl have a relationship like tht...with their parents.

---/but I still, at times get encouragements...but u no, it's here and there...some aren't too sincere, i just think. Cuse most of the time, it's just to make me feel better so i won't hate them or anythin lol. But i can see...and understand, sort of. They're parents.

But one thing I'm still sure of; they love me. Just what parents do best.

I definitely can never forget how it feels like...to be at home. The first thing my dad did when we got home...was teach me how to solve a rubix cube.

---/Like father, like son. I must admit, I am very much like my dad...in many ways.

We're hated...but loved. Don't exactly expect anyone to understand that. This IS for myself...not realli anyone else.

And btw, i don't literally mean it in tht sense...

I guess there's always...Next time?

Mannn, how cud it get any worse. I missed colluni. (How does it always end up like this...)

And now, I'm not allowed to go to Pauline's...there's always a very "GOOD" reason for it. One i can't ever reason with.

Apparently, it's a "thanksgiving get-together" for all families on Sunday...so yea, family first. Friends second. Tht's always the rule...well, that does sound like it makes sense.

haha, anewayz, I'm sure they'd understand...

who stays? on a weekend...a Thanksgiving weekend!

I'm always glad for one thing...

none of us have drifted apart from You yet...

whether it by ACF, CCF, C4C, Campus church, etc.

Thank God for uni fellowships. You prepare and provide indeed.

It's off to a good start. I pray that you would just maintain it, and be with us.

=)

Another one gone by...

It is sucking for Conan...because he has a midterm a day b4 the weekend, and one after the weekend.

I can forget about chillage.

Most likely won't go to colluni today. I get off at 9:00pm.

Cmon...this is thanksgiving yo, give us some slack.

I've discovered something...

You can't get used to the fact of 'having pleasure'...if you really want to serve or care about other ppl.

it's hard actually...i can't do it myself yet. Everyone wants 'pleasure', in any possible way (nd yes, i bet u guys are gunna say sumthin...not gunna expand.)

But i jus think that...we got to learn how to control that...? that urge, to satisfy yourself instead of others.

Even tho if u say..."I love you, I'll care for you, I'll be your best friend my entire life", your satisfying yourself, because you just want the other person to do the same to you.

So we gotta jus learn...to love unconditionally...just like God. But i guess, that's why we're human? Not sure if tht might even be possible for us. But always possible to strive i guess...

---/The following might be just repetitive stuff, cuse i was just trying to organize that thought down, i thought it was pretty important. I like to record stuff like this down:

When you're always 'use to' serving yourself, how then would u serve others. Like, you do only what YOU like, never thot bout what the other person liked.

Not saying you can't "like to do something". But, i guess u gotta control it? put a lid on it.

Your pleasures shouldn't overtake you.

When other ppl's matter...your's won't. When YOUR 'pleasure' matters, then others won't.

Not sure if you see what im saying.

Like, it's always good to minimize all the benefits, the enjoyment, to yourself.

From what i see, Ppl that are selfless (or are close to it), don't care about their own pleasures...but care about others'.

Like even when u say...i want to care for this person (even at times, when u say wanna pray for this person), it'll become more like a duty, or more like a satisfaction, or an exchange in friendship. You won't REALLY care about that person. You care...only cuse you want him/her to care for you back. That's the only reason we care & love nowadayz, am i rite?

(srry, I'm feelin purple...)

jus a collection of thots, dun feel like organizing it:

sometimes, unorganized thots, are just better expressed....



Being popular isn't exactly a good thing.

that's when the real test starts...

And i wouldn't 'try myself'...if i wasn't prepared.

---/the more friends you have...the more ppl u have to satisfy...

and the more u have to satisfy yourself in front of ppl...

and the more you care about WHO YOU ARE...in front of other ppl.

having TOO many friends isn't always the best. Because it is harder to control...the right friends to make.

---/this used to be more of a spiritual blog, for only "spiritual partners"...i dun realli no how else to put it. Not tryina offned anyone. But all of sudden, i feel uncomfortable just bloggin about anything i want now...to be honest.

i used to be really comfortable bloggin here...

altho, yes, it's true...i do post it up on my msn display name...but i expect certain ppl to read it. Not everybody. Ppl who take their time cuse they're jus interested in finding out. It was meant for them to discover themselves. I'll be really honest, it wasn't meant for EVERY single person to read...i gotta admit. And...i usually don't set up tht other stuff that might prevent ppl from doing so.

---/As i said b4...my blogs are quite blunt. I say wutever i want, i don't hide stuff here.

I have no idea wut i just said...after reading it again...here. I dunno if anyone else will.

that's the most messed up blogger post ever made..

I pray...for better memory.

Also, seein my boiz...nd gurlz, after today.

Love isn't proud right...

Besides, whenever you become proud...I find that it never actually is the way you think it is. Or it doesn't end up the way you expect it. Best not to "over-rate" yourself.


---/MIDTERM #1...complete.

now, 4 more.

But that was the longest lecture period in my life.

Why do we blog...

personally, i use it to keep "accountability" or keep in touch, with ppl...that I don't exactly "keep in touch" with anymore. I can always see how they're doin and all...

I never imagined blogging...to be...a trend? a fad? iunno wut u call it. somethin popular to do, like fb or sumthin.

I used to be made fun of for bloggin...cuse whenever i did, ppl would be like "wut u bloggin about?!?..." and then they'd find out that it'd be aobut "christian stuff"...spiritual life" or wutever. and P.S., I used to have do all my bloggin' in the library...cuse tht's the only place i could do it. It was blocked at home LOL. But now, I have the freedom to blog whenever i want.

Anewayz...I think this is a pretty useful "tool"? i guess...to keep accountability. Never thot, that it would become sumthin tht ppl would jus "start" doing, cuse everyone else is doing it.

Anewayz, Peaccee guys...i gotta do some mre studyin, as i haven't really yet. My midterm is tmr.

I've been wearing my Didomi shirt for 5 days in a row now. Kinda nasty isn't it. Don't worry, i shower still.

Wut can i say...since i can no longer be in dido, I'll wear it with me. But seriously, I ran out of clean clothes...and that's the only thing that warms me...jus like Dido. LOL

Sunday evening...

Why do we read the Bible? Cuse God loves us. Why do we pray? Cuse God loves us. Not because we want Him to, it's cuse He already has. We do it not to earn anything out of it, but because we wanna know more about this God because of the grace He's given us. Naturally, when someone loves us...the last thing we want to do...is NOT love them back. It only makes sense. Who's first instinct would not be to love one...that has first loved you.

I learned three things today, i think it's a bit random, but it's ok:

1) When you have a sexual relationship with someone, your like an animal. Cuse animals do not have relationships. They don't communicate, they just do it.

2) It's ok to feel guilty as a christian when you've done wrong, or when temptation has overcome you. That's a good sign. It means the Holy Spirit is still working in you. Better to feel bad, than to not feel bad at all. When it doesn't bother you...that's when you've gotta be worried, if u even can be.

3) When we spend time with God, He loves us. When we don't spend time with God, He loves us.


edit:

4) When temptation wins over us, and ppl see it...we feel like hypocrites, don't we? We feel so down and depressed...it just sucks, like crap. ummm, I actually don't realli have a solution for tht...doesn't mean there isn't one. But i guess you can always rmb, that His grace is always sufficient and enough for us. When we screw up...God still always loves us back.

5) Instead of going, "oh, I'm so sorry, i'm so sorry for sinning...now i have to get this burden off, and repent myself". You should go "Thank you God, for your grace...for the love of Jesus Christ who died for us".

But grace is a free ticket to sin, it should be more like the other way around. When someone shows grace, you appreciate it...and give all you can back.

Phew...

Pheww..

Came back from Sunday mornin' church...first time going. The church i went to today, was called "Calvary Baptist Church"...and they provided "free" bus rides there, so im like, "ehhh, pretty cool." When i got there, received a "free" breakfast. (but obviously i didn't know bout this b4, so i couldn't have came there for tht...). So, I knew about it from a friend, of a friend, of a friend of mine...which is now my friend. And he invited me to "Campus Church" (my school fellowship), and later on invited me to this church. I must say, I'll probably be comin to this church from now on...every week i decide to stay in town. It's super convenient. You jus gotta wake up in time...which I almost failed to do today. I woke up 5 min b4 the bus was suppose to arrive, and got there 2 min b4 it actually did. I think i would've slept in...if someone didn't wake up. Think it was God. Cuse it was jus the perfect timing...suddenly felt an urge to wake up, like someone was pushingg me lol. Then i woke up, and came to church the clothes i slept in.

Today, I asked a question....

But first of all, today, we were talkin about: "Not giving in to people" (eg. peer pressure)". Because it is always so easy to. ESP me...I'm sure u guys no me, and wut a giving up/giving in/pushover person i am.

So I asked: "How do you come about doing so?" or in other words...how do u respond to that? Cuse all he was talking about the whole time was..."Don't give in", "Don't follow those that cause you to do wrong"...in my words, or mre like the Bible, it would be "Don't conform to others, But transform others into God's likeliness". Yeaa.
So i wanted to know exactly how he would go about doing that...tellin ppl "No" or standing up for what you believe in when you'd feel like you could "fit" in so much more. I actually don't have a problem with tht...fitting in? cause i alreadi don't LOL. It's just for me, it would be ruining a "relationship"? or "friendship"?...if you don't respond properly. Cuse they're bound to ask you "Why"...WHY don't you do the stuff, that we all do...or wut i'd recommend you to do.
You see...I have a big problem with that. Usually what ends up happening...is i say wrong thing. And i dun realli wanna start beef with nobody...so yea. I HATE offending ppl for the wrong reason...or when i don't intend to. but for me...it just happens, to everyone around me. I'm just a natural at that. I'm also someone....who cares too much bout friends? Like, friends...are important. But what i learned today, (or have alreadi learned, but reminded), was that we gotta put God first. Even if it kills the relationships we have on earth. And friends we have on earth, are cool nd all...but Jesus is an everlasting friend. I find that i get a lil too paranoid when i lose friends too...when really i haven't. Stupid me...sometimes.

And we ended off with him praying for me.

---/I finally conquered the distractions of Youtube, facebook-ing, hotmail, gmail, blogger (wait...im on it now), while I'm doing work. Like, I can finally finish one whole "thing" to completion...without, browsing anywhere else. I gotta say, I quite proud of myself.

that's the thing i like about blogger...

fr me at least.

you can see how ppl mature and grow...it's pretty cool.

It's accountability....despite the distance.

You can always...see wuts up with everyone. Altho u may not be able to talk to them that often...but it's just an excellent way to see...

How God's lead us the past years...

Sometimes, I just smile after reading blogs...because, i see the prosperity, the growth, the maturity...of those, who continuosly...just keep learning and experiencing the light of God's work.

I on the other hand...think i need a little work on that.

This is my perspective.

P.S. Pray that I read God's wrd more often

I realized...

that staying on weekends in such a bad thing...i feel like i get soo much more time, to do...anything. And just being able to sleep...without anything waking me up. And when waking up...feelin so refreshed. No one here..but myself.

The only thing that sucks....is that no matter wut, I'll always miss it at home. I feel lonely still.

So today...or more like, tonight...

I honestly had quite a new experience.

So it all started, when i was doing my Calc hw and studying for bio midterms which was coming up right after the weekends. And while working...in peace...somethin that sounded like music, caught my attention. Well, actually...it was music. Ppl were "jamming" some where, some part of the building in my res. And i...naturally, went to find out. I just followed the music...which led me down the stairs...and back to the same position i was b4, except 1 floor lower. And i realized, it was coming straight from beneath, where my room was. No wonder, i could feel vibration, under my foot. So anyhow...I knocked. The door opened...and everybody was drunk. And one goes "EYy, Wut'z UR name...", so then i tell them. After that, I couldn't leave. Cuse they didn't really let me. The moment i knocked on the door...i got myself into it. When this whole time..I was suppose to be studying my butt off, for midterm in 2 days. So...after an hour or so, I had to sneak out. Omgoodness...me of little experience. It's like...I've never seen someone drunk b4 or sumthin. I don't know why...drunk ppl always scare me...the way they're caused to be like when they're drunk...that's y i never wanna be drunk. Or ever drink.

But tht was lesson. I learned from it...and it's good sometimes to gain some experience...i know wut and wut not to avoid.

Christians are happier people. I'd like to think that.

We've got a reason to be.

Not sure wut im tryin to say...

But usually what i say...reflects, what i observe or think about lately.

The more i seek you...the more i find you,

The more i find you...the more i love you.

*sniffle...

I am so lonely=(...

I wish u were here.

This weekend...is going to be...plain...no wrd to describe it.

I feel SO awake rite now....I dunno why. I had 3 hrs. of sleep yesterday..cuse my roomate got bac drunk...wasn't sure what to do.

But...I'm gunna pass out rite now.

Also, won't be comin home on weekends for the first time. Midterm on Wed.

I lost a 4G memory stick yesterday...was really sad. But then...shook it off over night. And, i rmb it now again.

---/So I was reading revelations lately rite...but Bernard suggested that i read colossians. Since I told him that I wanted "encouragement" from the Bible about distraction/temptations/frustrations. So...I am going to start on that todua.

my pet peeve...LOSING STUFF, because then...i know im unorganized.


---/My blog screwed up, but good thing someone invented something called the "default settings" button.

OSAP still me owes money.

Money that matters...

It always smells so friggin nice in this room...cuse my roomate is always grilling something.

But i never get to eat it. Only smell it. that's torture.

I'm jking, i can't eat it...cuse he's never here. He cooks it & eats it...then leaves...rite b4 i come back. And i come back smelling it.

---/I feel better now.

Friendship...comes from struggles. When you share the same ones. And have a mutual understanding.

you know...when ppl are "together" (as in, when u have bf/or gf...)...they seem so much more defensive, sensitive, resistant, have their guard-up kinda like..."BACK-OFF, get ur own....iunno".
I'm no pervert. But i get the impression, that ppl think im one.

Like when i approach these friends (that i had thot)...they think im tryina get with them or sumthin....

Like, frig...I have better ppl waiting fr me.

You'd be lucky to get with me...even in your dreams.

I no i shouldn't be all cocky nd all...because im not exactly wut i say i am in real life either. But i jk and talk bout a lotta crap very often.

Hopefully, I've invested correctly...

How, do I know what...or what not to say. How do i control/filter what comes out of my mouth.

How...when i share...do i no if something is appropriate or not?

---/The reason that came to my mind...was because, the stuff i blog about...sometimes i don't know if it offends people or not. And i also, have a "living example" in mind that i was thinking of, but...not gunna mention. Like, sometimes the words that jus come out become hurtful or uncomfortable to read, even when you never meant it to be. Whether it be the truth or not.

Or it gives ppl a whole new thought of who you are.

Are there right things to say...and wrong things?

I hate waking up from dreams...it's always, BACK to reality.


In my dream...I was in church, I wake up...OPP, I'm in skool again. How nice is that.


Don't exactly rmb what happened in my dream.


Just knew, that when I woke up, I had to hand in 2 tutorials, and prep for a test.


I hate...no, dislike reality. I love dreams. Good ones. The ones that make you feel at home.


---/I wish you would never have to wake up. Or, That the reality...WAS your dream, if u no wut i mean?

Difference between Dream & Reality:

Dream - What goes on, is reflected by you. In a way, You control that dream...but you are NOT in control. A dream is based on who you are, and what you've experienced. You can only dream about something, that you already know. Unless, it's a vision given by God.

Reality - There's always something new to learn. Usually, it's the hard way.

---/oh yea, and dreams don't have to make sense. Reality do. (wrong grammar, but im gunna leave it).

So, i was kinda frustrated today...or more like, a few moments ago...so i decide to look for a Bible verse that could calm my frustration level down. But as i looked, I ended up reading Revelations...

It's always good to know what it's like in "heaven". Who wouldn't? It's the life after death, a life after our previous life. How cool is tht...

In the Quran, they believe that heaven's a place where you'll see and get all the hot-women/hot guys you want, and also everything else you basically wanted on earth. It's kinda like...not taking the reward in the previous life, but getting it in the next.

In the Bible, it's more like...doing God's work on earth (don't live rich and merry, it has that context), and be rewarded in heaven. Except you don't even know what this reward is like. "Eternal Life". what does that mean...in heaven. How does it feel like, to have "eternal life". I'll never know. But it's just described with the most joyful, holy, sinless place. Oh, and it did mention a gold path...in heaven.

So, I'm intrigued bout what this "heaven" could be like. Like...it could come anyday. Every day...is a closer day, to Jesus coming back. But you just DOn't know when.

Anewayz, bac to the topic:

Chapter 4 (jus a scan...)

"And there before me, was a door standing open in heaven."

The Bible always makes it so "sun fa"...other wrds...um i dunno actually, how to say it in english.

"the ONE who sat there had an appearance of jasper (transparent, red quartz [rock]) and carnelian (opaque, impure quartz, [rock])."

so descriptive...i wonder how they can describe someone like "God" so detailedly.

"A rainbow resembling an emerald, encircled the throne."

"In the centre...there were four creatures...covered with eyes...in front and back."

where do these creatures come from??...they seem so random, and freaky. But there's some kind of symbolism to all of it.

Chapter 5

"Who is worthy to open the scrolls?"...

"Then, I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain....He came and took the scroll....and when He had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders feel down before the Lamb."

The lamb being Jesus Christ.

------------------

Oh, i might have told you b4, but one time...i thot the rapture had come...cuse i woke up home alone, and didn't see anyone on msn, and couldn't find anyone outside when i walked out. I thot i was gunna die. But yea, I'm still here...who knows, wut has happened.

I'm prob gonna read on...nd blog more later.

stupid time...how'd you go by so fast.

i needa catch up, I'm fallin' behind....on some sleep, that is.


---/Today, i guess i just found out bout the asian-ness of my name (I thot it was a white name...cuse ConanoBrian?...and Conanabarian?). Well, I've met 2 other "Conans" in this skool + 1 at church so far...and they're all chinese. And there aren't that many...chinese ppl, especially here. Imagine 4 Conans...who are chinese...that look like me. Haha...i bet a painted a pic in ur head rite now. Scary isn't it...

1 of me is enough...there's enough of tht to go around. K, im just sounding really cocky rite now.


---/"Game all day,
play all night,
let's get it poppin,
I'm in UOIT trick..."

Like no joke, that's all they do here (including, a certain sumone...which i won't exactly point out. But i jus kinda did alreadi...by sayin tht.). Since this place is a "tech/laptop" skool...everyone has laptops any where they go, and ppl jus whip out their laptops and game any time they want. It's like a portable game/sharing device...and everyone has it. Ofc, u can use it for wrk too...yeap, haven't ever seen tht yet. Rarely.

fine, I take back...that's not "all they do here". But it's what most ppl do.

In front rows...you can always see a whole row, of fb, msn (well, everyone goes on), ppl playin counter-strike, watchin movies on youtube. I'm sure it's like that in all other universities...but here, EVERY ONE in front of you has a laptop, and everyone is doin sumthin else...besides payin attention. It's kinda hard not to notice...and get distracted; b4 u no it...you're rooting for the guy in front of u playin CS, instead of listening to...BIO. I can't listen to Bio.


---/music videos today...suck. Like actually, no video's are any good anemore, around this time...all producers and song writers think bout exactly the same thing.

they don't ever have anything new, it's always bout that one thing i guess...lust/love/sex/takin advantage of sex. I'm sick of those videos.

And...OHhhhh crappp, i'm late for class!!!! gg, later...

Yo...

yo, i lost my keys, my visa, my debit, my SID, my Didomi card, my health card, my SIN card, bus tickets, and $70. Yea, my wallet.

I lost it in the morning, found it at night.

i left it, and found it in the same place, my room.

I couldn't write my quizzes properly becuse of tht today, I had no idea wut happened in lectures.
Couldn't think bout ANY thing else...literally.

my thots were more of: "are there 'good' ppl...or 'bad' ppl in UOIT, if they're good, they'll return it...if they're 'bad' they'll keep it to themselves, and care less about the loser that's screwed over."

Tht was essentially it.

Guess i thot wrong.

God has blessed me with ppl who provide me food.

I feel so bad...cuse it's almost as if I'm stealing it. Cuse i do it so much.

I have a meal plan...but it allows one meal per day. There are such considerate people out there. I don't even ask, and they provide. How bout tht...

"Love, Love, Love"

“Love” (in the worldly context, I guess) is so weird, nowadayz.

How can people fall in love so easily. That...I don’t get.

You barely know the person…and you can love him/her the next day. Maybe it IS possible to know someone that well in one day.

But it feels like…you can jus “love” anyone these days. Any pretty girl that comes by, or any good-looking hot guy you meet…it’s not hard at all. If u no wut I mean. Well, it's not even only about tht, the looks always contribute to part of it...but just the "person" in general, overall. It's easy, to i guess...jus fall for a person, when u don't even know them yet.

JUST to clarify…I am NOT in any way, implying this to myself; nore relating/implying in any context or way about me. I've just been very "observant" lately. Yea, that's it...

Also, wut i think though...is when u think u no them, most likely for the first time, you really jus no the "good" side of them. You don't actually know them...i think. You know the side of them that they treat every other single person with, the first time they meet.

But, im sure there is a bit of truth to tht...for everyone.

Btw, I'm sorry for such a RANDOM topic...but u no me, how often are my topics unrandom or flow properly. I'm sure you noticed...

---/Work is piling up, im not a big fan of blogging bout "skool nd work", Or i hate talking bout all the wrk i have nd stuff. I usually think bout other stuff i can write down about or have observed lately. Iunno, i just often avoid blogging bout skool. Just it being part of my life, is already enough. Besides, everyone's goin through the same thing...wut mre can i say about it. I try to avoid talking about how much life sucks in school. Cuse, it does for everyone...maybe not everyone. But for most ppl...well, only usually the "working/studying/ part...uni can fun in other ways.

---/I got nervous from talking to a sandwish-maker lady today…how wack is that, I haven't improved at all…

I hate the on-and-offness….either all on, or not "on" at all.

Woowoo....

I honestly feel so at home...at SCAC.

Hate goin back (to UOIT, that is)...so early every week. The only times i see ppl is either Friday (at colluni), or Sun (during service). Parent's rules: No chilling on Sat, No chilling on Sun (which includes eating lunch, nd doin anything after service; because there's "no time" apparently).

Yea, so the reason being that i like my hometown so much is cuse:

Like, the fact that people remember me...and welcome me back (sometimes thro hugs, a wave, a call-out/acknowledgment, or a ball-sacking); even people i don't exactly know to well. like, I've always been thankful to those ppl.

Most people...when u don't see face-to-face for a while...they pretend, not to rmb or talk to you. Cuse usually, they don't feel too comfortable to. Cuse as i said b4, time changes everything. But in SCAC, EVERYONE (or at least...the majority of people i know) welcomes me back. And puts a =) on my face. You know how...great...it feels to be "remembered"...to feel as tight as you were...as if it were only a day ago. How "warm nd fuzzy" it feels...when someone is happy to see you.

As ppl say...or maybe I say..."happiness is contagious"...or would it be "cheerfulness is contagious"? iunno...since happiness deals mre with ur personal life...u can't exactly spread it...i think.

I have never been so thankful...that there are people like them, the kind of ppl i want/like to see...but never do.

And it made me feel kinda warm inside...to know how much we gr.12 (last yr) were missed. Altho, now dido, they're starting to adjust to the new environment...with the new gr.9s. I heard it's been kinda hectic actually. But eventually, they'll pick it up....just like we did. It always takes time...for new changes.

---/I suddenly day-dreamed, about a dream, that i dreamt about a few yrs ago. I was going to heaven again...I was in an elevator...going up, nd up, and up....tht's about all i have to say about it for now.
(sometimes, my dreams are like "fairy tales" in a totally different world...dreams get pretty ridiculous, but i can never realize it...while ur still in the dream, that is.)

I don't know if I've ever been to hell b4...dun think so. But I imagine they have everything there...everything you want. That "could" be the good prt.

It's the second part, that sucks (or makes it not worth it), when u get thrown into the lake of fire. If it weren't for that, think it would be alrite...

But the point, isn't tht. It's not the "earthly" stuff (the stuff u always desire) that u want; but...you usually you go for those. It's what u usually can't see, or something yet to be revealed or undertood...that is usually good for you. ok, tht sounded confusin.

---/Sorta Random:

I think this is normal for a human to feel/think:

- HAPPY, to know that someone thinks about you, or "misses" you.

- the want, to be NEEDED by somebody (not sure if tht's clear...)

- also...HAPPY to know that somebody else is happy to see you.

Cuse it all applies to me. Things like these really brighten up my day...

Me and ma papa...

We get frustrated a lot, but...

I had this dream once...

I was playing "meditation" music for people while they were praying in their seats during a communion or sumthin. I don't think the place was exactly a church, it was kinda sketchy...in my head. But as I was playing, I was just admiring the soft, soothing, sounds that were coming out from the piano, played by me. Inside, I thot: "Danggg, I'm a sick pianist...". I was so in the "mood" and "atmosphere" in the midst of all the music...everything felt right. Everything was going smooth...until some guy came up to me, and whispered into my ears: "You're playing too loud...".

I hesitated for a sec, but then I's like..."Ok", so i quieted down, and took the guy's advice, since i thot: I am here to serve and play for these people in order for them to calm their hearts down. And it's my job to help them, and make it easier for them to do so. So...I did so, and continued with the "wonderful, beautiful" playing of mine (that i thought).

A few minutes later, the same guy came back again and said somethin like "this music isn't exactly appropriate for this time...", or "you gotta play for God, not yourself..."...something like that. And Inside, I was starting to get pissed. I was like 'Again, with this guy...who does he think he is.' So i nodded once again, indicating that I understood, and he returned to his seat. I continued YET again...my beautiful, amazing playing...on the piano. A few moments later....

SHOOT ME THRICE, oh-no-you-did-n't, just do wut i think u did. The stupid old man (who knows nothing about music) decides to stand up and walk over again. 'Doesn't he get tired/annoyed of standing up all the time, like, ur old, take a seat...and don't hurt yourself.' This time, He came up and told me this: "That' not the right face and attitude to worship God...it's disgusting for ppl to look at."

Wut he didn't know...that it was HIS face, that was causing that problem. He kept starin' at me.

I couldn't stand it any more...or put up with the "good boy" face no more, I yelled at him and shouted: "It's all your! You go and play it...".

And with that, He played the most beautiful & amazing sounding music I've ever heard...in my life. So amazing, that I wish I could remember and replay in my dream what he had played. I just stood there in awe. And the congregation meditated with that...

Danggg, I got showed-up good. And i learned my lesson...which is...don't look down on old people! LOL. Hey, this reminds me bout the Bible verse in 1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young...", but i don't think it's ever mentioned about lookin down on old ppl. But same applies...

I guess....this dream revealed to me, how much self-pride I really have (altho, i've been aware of that...lately, or for quite a while). I am not able to take much criticism...in music that is.

We love…cuse we wanna be loved back.

God loves...because He loves. Unconditionally. Because He's God. That is truly hard…I don’t think any human is capable of doing that.

How often do we love others…for no reason, unconditionally, with out something in return. I came to that realization today…after a Bible study.

Think about it, when we love…it’s always because we want something back…which in this case, could be “love”…or it could be anything else, really. But everything we do…is ALWAYS for our benefit. Even when you least think it is.

i found out 2 things about myself:

I don't let go...when ppl don't forgive me. I'll always remember it.

I get super pissed, when I can't find something when i want to. Cuse i conclude that I'm retarded...or slow...or have problems. Cuse i shud be able to.

Journal #3 (Recollection of thots...)

Let's see how long this test can last. It's hard...but i need to know, what they say is true.

Besides, I might need it. Haven't really focused in a while....

---/ In a dream, it feels nothing like reality...but somehow, you just can't tell. Fine, maybe for the newbs, they can't tell...but there are ppl who can. And usually those are the ppl who can control, stop, or start a dream. Tht's some power man...I wish i had that power. Tht would be so sweet. Cuse dreams to me, dun feel any different from reality. It's like your own little world that you can create...with ur own pleasure and desire. That's if ur "strong" enough (if u no wut i mean...im not too sure, in what sense). The only thing that blows...is u have to wake up, and everything "shatters". Either u were having a good dream (not sure wut sort've good dream...), and it gets your "hope" up. Or, you were having a bad dream, and you STILL rmb, even tho you've waken up alreadi. Like, tht's happened to me before. Like, in a dream, I was mad at my mom for sumthin...and when I woke up, I yelled at her LOl. Which in turn, she yelled back at me. Which lead me to think...tht everything that had jus happened (in my dream) was true.

Also, I dreamt that i was in heaven once...and i woke up...on EARTH. dangg, that was such a turn off. That blew...hard, i thought i would get to see God, finally. Kinda weird and random part of my dream...but someone was trying to grab me down...as i was "rising" or going up to heaven. It's like, he wanted to hitch a ride up there usin me. Somehow...he snuck into heaven without God knowing (which we all know...wouldn't be true). By then, any "normal person with common sense" shud know it was a dream, but i didn't. Even if 'wack' stuff like that ain't possible in reality. Around there...I woke up.

---/ let's jus say...i was having a really "good" time once. Almost equivalent to being in heaven...ok, not quite a good comparison. But u no wut i mean...so i exagerrated a lil bit. I'm not going to comment, exactly on the dream...cud jus say it quite the "time of my life". And during the "time of my life"...my mother woke me up. My mother woke me up...to catch a friggin cockroach. danggg, I was pissed. It was getting...to the BEST part too. And...i was deprived/taken away of that "moment", "time" that i might have gotten for once, out of iunno forever. Dun wrry, I wasn't mad for longg. I can never get too mad fr too long...

funny times...

Also, Many of my dreams often involve the use of knives in them...


---/frignuts...

Baby...I belong to yee..

Funny how...

“I can get over, whenever I become mad at someone…if ever; but I can’t get over ppl getting mad at me.”

Sumthin bout me… “I don’t find it hard to forgive others…it’s always harder to forgive myself.”

This was a past thot...but i just thot i would still record it down

"Friends, it's true can be there for u nd all...but one thing, they won't directly "care" about as a friend is your "academics", cuse first they don't even know ur need in that area. That shouldn't matter too much to them. Your academic success is up to you to achieve. And what does your academic success have to do with theirs? (mebbe im wrong...but tht's the thot that someone has ingraved in my mind). Friends (i've observed), are mainly they're to help emotionally, usually spiritually, and maybe mentally. But most likely not...academically. Cuse who wants to talk about tht stuff anyways. My parents, are probably the only one pushing me and reminding me, and supporting me with all tht. Just a thought. As you can see, my blog = my mind. It's the centre of my thoughts.

like, im sure...someone would help themselves academically before helping some other. (which is a correct, and totally reasonable thing to do). But our thoughts, as humans, are always..."competition". What i gain...i can't let another gain. You would put down another, to benefit yourself. Keep in mind, I'm still talkin bout "academic-wise".

e.g. when someone asks ur help...you'd be reluctant to, when you worked SO hard to achieve the knowledge you have...and now you have to share it. Cuse academics...is your TOTAL future! What else in life...

But a future in this life...doesn't really matter too much, i guess.

I noticed i went real off-topic there...Tht wasn't even my original point. But ehhh, when do I NOT go off track."

Journal #2

You know, I hate how time can eliminate every "thing".

Example:

- the Earth (one day, we're gunna die along with it, cuse the sun's going to eat it up)
- "Matter" (everything decomposes over time; disappearing essentially, and becoming part of the world)

In a different context,

- Friends (definitely, bound to lose those over time...)
- Grudges/awkwardness/anger (have u heard the phrase: "time eliminates awkwardness...", k maybe I made that up. But I'm sure you've probably heard of the phrase "time does eliminate the anger built up, time is like a chill pill that takes effect over periods..." ok, i made that up to. But it's true isn't it?!?)

"change" is constantly occuring physically, mentally & emotionally. And I guess, that's why we humans need to adapt to and consider these changes. Well, WE can change...for once.

But it's not the end...if there's something you really value and treasure, you have the power to prevent that change from happening.

Want sumthin real bad, go for it...cuse you'll get it for sure. (u no wut i mean...)
Need sumthin to happen, make it happen...cuse it'll happen for sure.
Nothin's really there to stop you.

Only God, if He really wanted to.

BAck=) Hahha...

Renewed!...

O, the Lord is good to me, ♫
and so i thank the Lord, ♪
for giving me, the Friends I need, ♫
the care, and the love, of a giant sea, ♪

the Lord is good to me, friends-forgive-each-other ♪ ♫

Amen.

i hate losing friends...

(forgot everything else i wanted to say...)

Journal entry #1 (...)

197th fact about me: I detest whenever i can talk on msn so well with ppl, but not in person (where i say nothin).

And when this happens...ur "msn friends" are hard to predict what they're thinking. Cuse, if you only talk to them on msn, but not in person, They might think...(wrds to describe it might by: "weird"..."awkward"..."strange"..."wut the heck"..."wut's the meaning of this"..."wut a puss-bag (lol)".)

This is what I broke it all down to. It's that knowledge. That knowledge that people are capable of thinking such things. That "knowledge" that you don't want to have. I wish i was an innocent, baby again. You can't believe in, or do something, that does not exist. Example of knowledge i DO NOT want, would be the knowledge of judging people. Also, the knowledge of self-consciousness, or the knowledge of being "able to lose confidence".

There can be "good", and "Bad" knowledge. It's good to know things...but not everything, is good to know. Knowledge seems like something we all want...and it is infinitely available. We're curious. But some things, I'm better off not knowing...or i wish i never knew.

So that's why when Adam & Eve ate the fruit from the "tree of the knowledge of Good & Evil", SIN came into the world. That's when sin gave birth...because they had KNOWLEDGE, knowledge of sin! They now knew what was bad (wut it meant to "sin") and what was good. And that's when the meaning of "death" came into play, when God told them, that they would die after they ate it. Because "the wages of sin is death."

Summary: Knowledge --> Sin --> Death

that's why, a while ago, i said "It's hard to trust ppl these days." It's because humans know so much more about each other now, through experience. We know what bad/evil/sinful things humans are campapble of. We're a sneaky generation.

E.g. A person can be maddd nice the first time you meet them. But in the present, when someone's nice, it doesn't mean he/she;s a good person. You don't know them...yet. It's hard to tell what people are like the first time you meet, cuse the world is capable of such sinful things nowardays. But because of that, no one trusts anybody. (btw, there is good in the world...)

Things aren't seen the way that it is anymore. Nothing seems llike the way it actually is. You'll never see what is "real" or what truly is "You".

This generation is nothing like a few generations back


From all this, ofc, I don't trust no one...I have bros and sis and Christ, that i would depend on and trust any time. It's just that...this can't apply to...the world in general.

Sorry...if this blog was a bit...ugghhh. or if i made anyone feel uncomfortable. Once again, just spoke exactly everything on my mind. Held nothing back.

i wonder if this is wut psychologists do...maybe tht cud be my new interest...other than the obvious...

Going back again tonight! this time, with Chris...

Hoping to see some familiar faces!

God...you've showed me the way.

I cried tears if joy today...when i finally found a fellowship, Right for me.

=)

talkin to ppl bac home (spiritual home that is...) gives me such a nice feelin. I still feel connected nd close to all of them. I still feel close to home, despite the far (not realli) distance. Fuzzy, warm, nd funny feelin'.

Sometimes...you just need your balls of confidence.

phewww...work is crazy mann, alreadi. Gotta get a compsci assignment done by 8:00am tmr morning. Peaccee out.

---/ Oh, and also...I signed up for Campus for Christ Summit Retreat? see how campus fellowship is like...

I'm glad...cuse i haven't found one yet...in my campus.

---/ Alex is on fire...and Metric (never heard of this band) came to UOIT today...didn't go to their concert tho. They sounded pretty horrible far away...didn't feel like going closer.

My Res...(top quality)

srry bout the quality...it's not bad for a webcam.

We keep our room pretty clean eh....

I was limited to my bedroom...since...it is a webcam.

You can only "miss" something, that you have (or used to have, but is no longer there). Wut i mean is, you can only miss something...when there's 'something' to miss. Pretty straight forward actually.

I once thought...if i never had it, I wouldn't have to miss it.

But I realize...saying that would be the biggest mistake i would ever make in my life.

lol..Part 3

- I think about doing 'something'...but i don't do it. Not because I'm lazy. Because I second guess myself b4 i actually do it. Or because i overthink it.

- When i have something in mind that I want to say, and i don't end up saying it (either if i forgot it or anythin...), then it feels awkward. Or at least...I'LL make it awkward. Cuse i just...go off track or mumble my way thro to replace what i really wanted to say, and somehow end the convo. Or sometimes, i just stop suddenly, stop talking i mean...and all of sudden, it's dead silent; the most awkard feelin ever. It's like the 'silent treatment' except you're not trying to not talk to the person. Just that, u can't...cuse ur handicapped.

This is quite a pointless blog, but i've been over-analyzing myself lately. And...this is my self-conscious side. If i ever had any other side.

I'm in uni now, and I'm still like this. I wonder if uni will change the way i see things...which, eventually changes the way i blog??

Haha...

today, I'm bus-ing back with Chris to UOIT, hope fr a safe trip! ofc, it'll be...

I just found out HOW cheap it is to bus. It's a half-hour trip (one-way) if i take the Go-Bus, only for $4.00. Save up on some gas money mann....this is Oshawa we're talking about. But pretty sure it's because of highway 407 (a highway that charges you money, but it's unbelievably faster). In a car, it took 45min (I timed this time...) to get there. If only i knew about this earlier...

I mean, why did i even res...just commute every day. Could've saved that $$$$$ for......sumthin, of better benefit. Wouldn't have felt so FArrr from SCAC/Dido/colluni...and have more chance to chillz...and i wouldn't have to miss pplz so much.

Another fact: UOIT, is actually the closest university, in terms of travelling time, in this area (30 min, dun think there's any uni like that. I mean, that's how long it took for me to get to elementary skool...bac in the day). Not Ryerson, UofT, or York...cuse u still gotta go downtown.

Oh and also, I'll be switching roomates soon, so i can room with Chris. Hopefully, my roomate's cool with tht...that nobody's gunna get the hurt or anything. But if anything, it'll take at least 2 weeks b4 we can actually start rooming together.

Random facts about me...(not relali, actually)

Like, I get frustrated at myself when I can't say what I want to say. But the thing is, ppl dunno that. They think I'm being frustrated at them, or tryina be defensive, or getting offensive...or just not interested in the convo.

I suck at talking...I already know. I end up saying the most randomest things (with the help of some *studders)

And yo, I'm such a kid sometimes. I act like one, literally. Kids (b4 a certain age) are usually selfish, asks a lotta questions, curious bout a lotta things. They don't know anythin about self-lessness, self-control, and impression/reputation nd stuff like that yet. They only care wut's "physically" good for them or gives them pleasure (srry, i hope tht's the rite word). At times, I stop caring for others, and only care bout myself. I don't care who I hurt, as long as I benefit from it. I really Hate...srry, "dislike" those ppl. And that is a truth about me, and proly quite a lot of others...since we're human. But im working on it.

And when ppl keep askin me about UOIT, I don't know what to say. Cuse i dun wanna start off with, "It's the crappiest place to be in..." (at the moment). No offense to UOIT. More directed at ppl there...it'll never be home, or feel like home there. At least, "spritually" it'll never be...there'z zit, zero clubs/fellowships i can join. That's y i would drag myself all the way back to Dido/colluni on the weekends, like my life depended on it.

Pet peeves (about myself): When ppl make the effort, and i don't.

Explanation: When someone talks to me cuse they care about me, or just out of their good intentions and good heart, I often ruin it for them. K, tht was just an example. But basically, when someone cares for me...I don't end up showing the same, in return. That also frustrates me when I can't do that. YEapp, that's more like it.

Sometimes, I just try to be humorous, but i can't. Ppl take me seriously. Like, I actually don't want that. I wanna be someone with a sense of humour too! I actually really hate serious ppl...too serious fr me. Usually, when you hang around "extremely serious" ppl; I'll be honest, they're quite boring. But be serious when it's a time to be serious, and joke/kid around when it's not. Ofc, I don't like a joker while doin serious stuff. But i can't stand...when everyone takes things literally, don't joke around, basically having no sense of humour. It relaxes the mood, and you'll enjoy it more.

I want to learn...how to say "NO".

to temptations of course...

Hump-di-Dum..

Surprisingly, there's actually ppl who read my blog...found that out today. Random people, i wouldn't expect. (No offense to those ppl, i don't actually mean u guys are "random" ppl...jus a lil surprised)

Well, I guess my blog IS out there...for a reason, i guess.

I don't know HOW it's gunna work out...starting our own fellowship. I don't even have the "Standing Faith" needed to lead these people. I need someone to assist me, grow with me, and keep accountable for living out an "identity" for Christ. I need to be responsible. I need to be a leader. PLZ, has that time come yet.

The truth is...I don't really like it here.

Ppl drink, party, smoke, get high, stay out late, have sex, and swear soo much. And this stuff is happening ALL around me, with no one to back me up...in my faith. Not even Chris, unfortunately, altho he seemed eager at first. I don't want to be one to put down a bro in Christ, but i see...what i see. I too am also guilty, so i am not here to really judge anyone.

Uni IS one of the biggest test to whether you conform to the world; or transform others. You know how "stupid" you look when you try to transform others? Why would anyone wanna transform towards something that has restrictions...it's all about freedom, selfishness, and living LIFE rite now! Who cares about living for anything else?? Who cares about living for One greater than you, and being someone lower...like you're His *(there's a word i have in mind, but i will not use it)*!! Who cares about the "real life" in store for you. Who cares about "Jesus First, Others Second, and yourself last"? Who the frig caresss?!?!?

it's YOJ, not JOY...YOJ is such a disgusting word, if it even is one.

There are no fellowships here, nothing (I thot there was, cuse i was told..)...so i couldn't directly find a brother or sister in Christ there, even if i wanted to. Everyone there, iunno, seems too "different"...in a bad way, this time. Such a way, that I'm not really use to. It's just that...I thought I would find a dim light, in the midst of all this "darkness" i guess. Altho a dim light, still a light. But i didn't find any...

*sigh...

Was i ever prepared Father....

I feel most at home at SCAC.

who knows, it might get better when school starts. When ppl gotta step it up anyways. There'll be less partying i guess.

Warning! the following might not make a lotta sense.

K, here goes,

feel bad for ditching Chris...

Cuse i feel like i just made accountability with Chris, that we would kinda walk together in Christ. And do devotions together...in the midst of all these distractions.

But today, I left him...I feel so bad. Altho i was in a rush...is this what a caring brother's suppose to do? After praying for him that night, after showing myself as a caring brother in Christ, I don't want to ruin this relationship...or what's left of it. I don't want to ruin our relationship with Christ.

to be honest...don't know how i'm feelings with my walk with Christ. As i hang along with all these new ppl...including Chris.

i mean, they were watching...late night, sex shows. I did not know what to do.

PLZ help me make the right friends Lord.