Tired/Grasshoppers

I was so tired yesterday...that I just slept with the lights on -_-. It was a good sleep =) Surpringly, one of the best I've ever had.

Oh, and when I woke up, I saw a grasshopper hopping beside my bed, so I caught it and brought it outside back to nature world.

Grass hoppers are so interesting...full of hops. One of the bugs that I'm actually not afraid to catch, but one of the most challenging bugs to catch, cuse...they have MAD hops.

Love 'All'...

Telling yourself you're able to love everyone...is way easier, than doing it. TLC kinda reminded me a bit...about loving every one no matter what, just like how God loved us no matter what. This year, as interns, I guess we've been paid (or our pay includes...) taking care of special needs. This year, there is only one, but through even one...it was a challenge, and a learning experience for me to bond & build relationship with others besides the...'average' kid, i guess you can say. If anything, I hope my love towards my neighbors (which includes: everybody) will build up, and eventually, my heart itself will learn to love genuinely, and full-heartedly. I really wish for that, because it's a challenge...and even a skill. It's something you can ask God for, pray to Him about it.

--//So apparently, my official name given to me in TLC is now "Coco...", some variations are "coco-puffs" and "Coco-nut", and apparently "Coco-nana". Even the counsellors call me that...

It's not the first time I've heard it. It came back again, and I have a feeling I know why...

My gift is in playing music (if at all)...not teaching it. It's funny how it's 2 totally different things.

If you have knowledge about something, it doesn't mean you can teach it. But if you can teach something, you HAFTA have knowledge about it.

I kinda envy those who can teach...who can express...who can get an idea across. Those are the key things usually. An idea is useless, if u can't express it. Unless you express it, you'll be doing some good, you'll be useful, you'll be contributing.

Thinking kills...but overthinking, overkills...

I don't know why I always gotta be 'somebody'. What's wrong with being a 'nobody'?

Definition of a 'nobody' (mine) : you're not really funny, hence no ones attracted to really talk to you. Also, you're not fun to be around, so hence nobody wants to talk to you either.

I always want somebody to think I'm special to them. Why?

People usually value you or have you on their mind, because you've contributed somehow to their lives. E.g. when you talk to them, form a relationship (that counts). And that's just a soft example.

Also, now that I know for a fact that people read this...I don't know if I'll blog the same. Any 'thing' can affect me REAL easily. 'Things' of this earth...impact me greatly. Why?

Thinking kills you...Over-thinking over-kills you.

Distractions: Pride

Swallow your pride, or it'll swallow you. Cuse, any time I feel anything like it...I can't do anything right.

Blessings, Where do they come from?? Where?? My father up there!

--//Praise God, from WHOM all blessings flow! specfically, I'm thinking about musical blessings. Thank God, for being with me in spirit and in music!

--//and today, todayyy...my cousin gave me an ipod touch! as a gift for playing piano for them...oh, and with my name engraved on the back saying "Conan, YU ROCK" (i thot of that one for a while, but the first to hear it from someone). How sweet of them...at least it'll be harder for people to steal now, since it has my name engraved. But, lol obvi it won't stop any body from stealing it., if they REALLy wanted to steal it. anyways...

I am SO blessed! Thanks, all my cousins in the world wherever you are, you are the most awesome-est people. You fill me with joy and love. You guys ARE love lol.

When I was younger

You know, when I was younger, I used to love riding air planes (in the night sky, and see shooting stars, kidding)...

Now, I think I lost that wonder...that "excitedness" of riding airplanes. It's not that great & wonderful anymore like when I was like a baby till...maybe 10 yrs old about? lol iunno. I also used to like living in hotels, because it was SO exciting! But now...it's all the same to me. Hotel, and not a hotel (my house), no difference. I used to feel so "cool" in a hotel, cuse they were so nice...and it was memory of wonderful things! But now, I'm just going there to play for a wedding, so it's just pressure if anything. I guess it'll be be fun too...but it'll be a different kinda 'fun'.

Wish me some 'luck'.

I want somebody to be happy...because of me.

Telling yourself what you can do, is not as effective as...

NOT telling yourself what you CAN NOT Do.

For example "I can say this...in front of people, I'm not afraid". It's NOT as great as...

*Not saying that you "can't say things in front of people"*

which is basically not say anything (in your head).

So the solution is...don't even think. Just do. literally. Know what you need to do, what you 'should' be doing, what is right to do...and do it. That's it lol.

First 2 softball practices

So today, I attended my second softball practice at Sanctified. My first softball practice was at Ravens. Sorry, Sanctified, I actually joined their practice yesterday, and then came to yours today. I got to meet my fellow teammates today, glad I came. I think I'm slowly picking it up again...

Good news, my lung don't hurt anymore! =)...I've been feeling fine after 2 practices! this must mean something...

I guess what I also want is:

I wanna have more inside jokes, more interesting things to talk about...I wanna be...a humourous guy. In other words, a guy...with humor, a guy that's not mean, 'strict' (in ways?), and unpleasant to get along with.

but I obviously don't want to be those who try too hard to funny. All I want...is to be myself. Because I know I'm funny. I know I'm interesting. I know I'm capable! I just hafta be...myself I guess. So that's the challenge. Being myself is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do, and am still trying to do.

My challenge isn't trying be someone else, but trying to be myself. I hate...when I'm someone else. Because, I'm just NOT someone else! I'm clearly...ME! How stupid can someone be...to try to be someone else...haiz.

It's hard man...it's hard. I never thought I would face this (well ofc i wouldn't, back then i was innocent, i had knowleddge of something like this). But here I am, being the most self-conscious, self-evlautatoing, self-conceptual person in the world. Why am I like this? When did I turn like this?...Who did this to me??...clearly myself, who else.

I feel like I'm the person in control, but not really. I know what to do, but i don't do it. I have a solution, but i don't use it. I totally know I can stop something, but i don't do it. I see how everything works in my brain...but knowing all this 'useful' information...is NOT USEFUL! It does NOT help...

When you...

When you love some "person", "place" or "thing"...you want the 'moment' & 'time' that you're exposed to 'this' longer. Correct?

That's how I feel right now.

Whenever there's an opportunity for me to feel great, when I'm enjoying a moment with somebody, at some place, doing some thing. I LOVE it. I don't want it to go away. I want it to stay. And what if...it can't stay? I gotta DO something, to keep it, to make it stay.

When this happens, there is a "pressure", a "tension" to not fail...at keeping this 'wonderful', 'great' moment. And what happens when you're pressured? You get nervous...When you get nervous?...you trip up...screw up. Because that's what I tend to do when I'm friggin nervous!

Note to Self

Don't always be so mopy. Chin up!

Other people aren't happy, only because YOU are not happy. Don't judge from other ppl's faces, they're reactions. Don't be so sensitive. You're a guy. Guys can be sensitive...but no, not that great to be that sensitive. Don't think so much. Just remember...how happy you are to be with these people. If i could master that...

No one talks to me anymore...

Well, I don't talk to them...so why would they talk to me...

But, no one talks to me anymore...

Know your boundaries...

It's always good to know when to BACK off...in whatever situation.

It's a general statement. =P

Personally...

I personally like girls who...are..."sing mook". And if girls are "sing mook", they won't like me. because they are..."sing mook".

I don't mean this in any...way. Just a realization I came to.

What defines a relationship.

So how do we show that we have a relationship with someone? A way to show this connection between you 2?

By "relationship", I don't mean necessarily male & female, husband & wife, bf & gf.

It could be anyone...that you feel you have a relationship with...a connection...a bond.

To show that "this is who you are to me!", and what you think of them.

Sometimes, when I don't talk to someone...I wonder if that defines the relationship; if it means something...that this relationship...is...haii, i really don't know what to say here. But the point is, I don't MEAN to express that or send that message across. I'm not intentionally NOT talking...or maybe I am, because sometimes (just me, cuse I'm weird), I'm in a state of shyness and fear, that I can not( I repeat, CAN not, INcapable) of talking. Either because I just tell myself I can't...or...I fear to say the wrong words/wrong things...or sound like my often studdering stupid self which never ends up conveying a message across. So in a way, it IS intentional, but NOT really. I don't intentionally not speak to people with the intention of hurting them or symbolizing something of our relationship. BUT, i do intentionally not speak to people. Because that's me.

That whole blurb was asdjklsadjlkajdkl confusing ehh...yea. sorry, this was on my mind, while showering. I always think about deep stuff/weird stuff when I shower.

This, I must Overcome

Social Phobia: I am scared to talk to people, But at the same time I need people. When I don't have people, I feel lonely; When I'm with people, I feel scared (only to talk). Sometimes, I think I've overcome it. And sometimes, it feels like it comes back.

Being free FROM...

haha, sometimes the saying "Being free FROM something, instead of being free TO do something" applies to many things....like love.

Being free FROM love. By that I mean, sometimes your so distracted by earthly love, and only love that just takes away everything from you. That it enables you to do NOTHINg else, but only think about that. Actually, you know what, Love is a great thing! The Bible tells us to love. But maybe 'like' is the word I'm looking for. "Like' is just a desire, a feeling. Love...is something different, now that I think of it.

Edit: ('Like' is probably a temporary feeling, 'Love' is a commitment)

So sometimes, "like" can be SO distracting. Say all you do is think about that special someone....or it could be some "thing" I guess too...You don't HAfta be bound to it. you can free yourself AWAY from it, instead of telling yourself, I need the freedom to DO it. That's one way you can look at it to help yourself...and get yourself together.

Bottomline: In doing this, you are FREE-ing yourself from your own "mind-torture".

Summer Intern (Sacrifices, stress)

This job as an intern right now...

It has some sacrifices, that I'm not really used to yet. Everything changes...when I become a 'counselor' or a leader, not a volunteer anymore. The sacrifice is, I can't act like a volunteer anymore. Most of my time spent, won't be say, talking & chilling with my ex-didomite friends, but to be doing work and preparing for the program. Like, right now, I feel a totally different relationship change between when I 'used to be' a volunteer, and 'now', where I've taken on a more responsible role. I don't feel as close to the didomites like I used to. But AGAIN, CM leadersgip camp and retreat isn't about that! I know...but that's the 'sacrifice' I got to get used to.

It's esp different and special in my situation because...I'm only in 1st year! 1 year older than the oldest grade there. Probably not that much older. I feel like I'm part of them sometimes! And as a mentor/teacher, when things hafta get serious, I take on a different role, a different person to do what needs to be done. Almost, at times, I feel this change in relationship amongst them. I am not the same to them as I was before. That's why, this 'earthly' sacrifice; some times I don't know if I can give it up.

Plans to get married.

I wanna get married. I felt so lonely in a crowd of married/engaged/dating/partnered couples. I honestly wish I had my own. I wanted my own to share to, I wanted my own to feel like I had someone beside me...to feel that I'm not alone.

I Love you.

I love my cousin Elsie Chew! There's no one like her...that I know. On this earth.

Calgary, again (it's the only other place than Ontario i ever go)

I wish I brought my laptop to Calgary...now /i keep having to ask yee-ma all the time. I could be prepping and doin some work there, lol.

I mean, playing piano is good...but playing piano from morning to night is not...there's only so much creativity i can get.

Once I get back, it'll be CM Leadership camp! Can't wait to lead it...and have this wonderful learning experience in teach volunteers!