Journal Entry: #10

I get really captivated by women very easily. Too easily. They are almost like a temptation in my life. And indeed, the act of thinking a certain way about women, a lustful way, is a tempting sin. But I don't want it to be because of that, that I don't...interact with women or anything lol. Just cuse I'm afraid of this. I mean, nothing is really wrong with them, it's me and my mind who makes something supposdely pure, into something that is utterly sin.

Like, I can have a great relationship, with friends of the opposite sex. Women/females are great people LOL (haha). But, I hate the fact that I can get trapped by what/who they are, and be powerless, kinda thing. I don't want my mind to let itself be controlled by beauty, or something.

When I have feelings for someone, I no longer know if the feelings are real or not. Is it just..."ho gum"? there is definitely something wrong, when you look at every girl, and say that "I like her". Just because you like "something" about her...and that has already captivated you. Know what I mean? Very few things be needed...to captivate me. If a girl is caring (which is a lot of girls)...or nice...or considerate, kind-hearted; that's all I'd need for my mind...to just be all over her. I dislike my vulnerability like so.

And on top of that, I have speech disorders (or that's just what I'm going to call it, even though it really isn't), it is very apparent, when I am trapped or captivated by some women or somethin. So at times, I'm not sure if I'm the only one that feels this way, cause I feel an extremity in my emotions compared to many others.

This is one of the many personal & honest things that I write...and perhaps now, have shared it to many people. I don't know what this has done, in sharing it, but this is really my journal of thoughts that I just keep. And if people read it, they read it.

Important Reminder (High Priority)

I just want to put this verse on, as a reminder:

"At the second coming of Jesus Christ, God will judge the church first before He judges the world"

1 Peter 4:17

so that may we not forget that He WILL be coming again. He will. That second part is what I failed to notice, or ever see...is that we (us 'christians' that go to church) will be the ones judged first. A reminder like this was needed.

Thank You Elsie!

Thank You So MUCH Elsie for the gift!...

I have a feeling it will be used a lot...

Life

I did not do well…on that orgo exam.

I realized, I don’t really like chemistry. I don’t really like Science. And I don’t really like math (but it’s a little better than science)

I don’t think Science is going to be something I enjoy doing…or for that matter, excel at.

So while I was writing my exam actually, I started thinking about my passion or what I wanted to really do or go into, in the future LOL. I wasn’t doing much else anyways, I was staring at a blank sheet in front of me, so might as well. I just wanted to pass that course…or not, I don’t know if it matters too much to me anymore.

So, I thought that, perhaps if I went into music, I would enjoy it a lot better. Doing something you like, or something you are passionate about is definitely something that isn’t wrong, in my view. But today, I knew how it would feel like to continue studying something that I really do NOT like, and have no interest in. It’s not goina work out like that…I gave it a chance, a year and a half.

I definitely want to do something…that I will DEF enjoy doing, and make it…my life.

We look like fools, craving for attention from the one that we “like”. Once we ‘like’ someone, or have feelings towards someone, then we keep trying so hard to get them to notice us, and be able to impress them. We would do many things…to do that. It almost seems they have controlled us, the way we act…when we are around them, or in front of them, except, they don’t really know it. We kinda put this on ourselves, and it’s all an inner battle for us to struggle with this matter.

It’s not their fault, but we feel like it is, when they don’t give attention back to us, when we expect them to.

Pride ughh

Some people just have too much pride…including myself.

But I realized how much I hate people…with soo much pride, and I probably have a lot, and show a lot myself, and hide a lot in my heart, I think thoughts of pride and arrogance. I am reminded of that verse:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

Matthew 7:3

I feel like that person who is looking at the speck of sawdust in another brother’s eye.

But I just find it real annoying having to deal with someone with pride. It's just what I detest the most, most likely because...I too have it. You usually hate the things about other people the most, that you possess also, because you would know where they are coming from also, and you know their intentions. Just like how you know your own. That is why you too tend to get annoyed too.

Question

Sometimes I ask myself the question: "Do I not like studying LifeScience, or...do I just not like studying?"

Cuse you know, whether I study music, science, arts, math, etc. It really doesn't matter if I'm really someone who just does not have an attitude to study and am just...lazy perhaps. I'm trying to differentiate between the two. Whether I dislike studying, or dislike WHAT I'm studying, iunno. Whether I needa step up my game, or reconsider a switch in studies.

Future Destination (in this life)

Lately, after some stimulation in thought, I've been thinking if I will be staying in UOIT after this year. If Life Science doesn't work out for me (for many reasons)...I may hafta switch out, and perhaps switch university.

I would only need to switch out, say, if I wanted to take 'music' somewhere else. Not saying that this is what I'm planning to do, or that my thoughts are leaning towards that. But if that happens, I WILL hafta switch schools.

And so my parents keep asking me, to reflect, evaluate and consider the path I'm taking. How to prep for what's to come, and start thinking ahead of things.

Cuse, I have given it a thought that studying and doing something all my life that I am totally not going to enjoy, is gonna suck. Like, suck for a lifetime, or most of it. And most of all, I won't be doing things to the best of my ability if I have no interest and joy in it. Right?

I'm thinking a lot about it...

Infant v.s. Adult (Struggle)

I like the thought of being in "innocence".

You see, when I was a baby, I don't think I knew how to 'lust' over some girl, or if I cared about, really, what the world cares about today. This society in general, I'm speakin of.

Being innocent, I feel, is the farthest away from sin, as a human, that you will ever be. Cuse babies know nothing (maybe they do still, because we are born with a 'nature' within us), they don't really know much about sin yet. In my opinion, it gets introduced to them, as they grow, as this world gets more and more sinful. That is what is changing the generations to come. The world and society and community is changing. And if we were never introduced to it, I wonder how it'd be like, I'm sure we'd hafta worry about a lot less 'sin', or things that we have the knowledge of doing at this age in time. So that's why, I wanna be like a baby. But ofc, I want to have the decision and free choice as an adult. If only it could be possible for me to mature as an adult, but not be exposed or pervaded by sin. Just somehow, have a knowledge of "zero" of what sin is, because I don't think you can carry out an action or task of something that you don't even know existed. Basically, you can't think something, if it does not exist in your mind; like sin, in this case. I always thought if you know something is "possible to happen", then...it is definitely possible that it can happen. Right?!? lol. But if it is "not possible" in your head that something will happen, then it...WILL...NOT happen. Ofc, this applies to certain aspects only. More of the psychological aspect. It's like, you know how people say the expression (or maybe not): "I don't know what 'impossible'" is. I TOTALLY agree with that. It's because when you don't know what it is, or that it exists, just has nothing, no signal or trigger to you; then...it can not happen. That's what I believe. Iunno, you agree? Ok, so back to originally what I was saying, was going to refer to this:

1 Corinthians 14:20b:

"...In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults."

At the moment, I lust a lot. And I wonder, if I never grew up that way I am, would I still lust a lot? Both, with implications that: 1) The way I'm brought up as a child. 2) As an infant, we are not capable of...lusting? (don't know if true or not), because stuff about hormones and maturity?? Correct me if I'm wrong.

So, just had that thought, while I was lying on my bed one day (yet again).

Missed a Final Exam.

So today, I thought I had a final for my informal Logic course at 11:00am. Woke up at 6:00am to do some last minute review and studying. Kept reviewing...till it was about 10:00am. That's when I decided I was hungry and went out to get something to eat. So I sat there, enjoying my chicken burger, getting ready to go into my exam room. When I got there, the room was pitch dark, no one was there. So I thought I had the wrong room. I checked every other room, and they were also pitch dark. They must've moved to another room, I thought...but every where I looked, it just didn't make sense. It's like no one came to school today or somethin. So I finally went back to check the schedule (for like the 3rd time, this time I checked the time more intently)...and the starting time was 8:00am. I looked at the ending time as my starting time this whole time.

Called faculty advisor. Just waiting to hear from them now.

But I'd like to note that, I didn't feel as frantic and panic-ing that I thought I would have been. I'm beginning to feel...more worry-free, as a person. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But I'm not as worried...about stuff anymore. Like, I no longer feel the need to be stressed and tense over things like this. I am not worried about failing anymore.

All this is because, I think my mind has changed in a way, that it knows it has better things to worry about than stuff like this. Better things to worry about than things that are of this earth. <---I guess not ENtirely like that. But what's worrying going to do? Make things better than it is? And am I gonna die, if I don't pass this? No. So like, in this situation, I just felt more calm (where usually I would not be, back some time ago). Like if things don't go well, then they don't go well. God knows what He's doing.

A blessed Week.

Had a great convo with C.O. today. I thank You for friends at UOIT. Friends that can count on ye, like 1,2,3.

I've been having such a blessed week so far. A few days ago, I got to jam with T.L., just jamming with out guitars (we should do it soon times, again).

Shout outs.

That's all for now.

I LOVE UOIT; what is has done to ME. Want all my friends to See. That this is the UNIVERSITY...err to be. (I don't 100% mean all that)

"Sadly, the people who I like, aren't the people who'll like me =P"

I Love UOIT! Big change, BIG contrast from what I used to think. -->misery.

I Love Oshawa! Coccassion, white people are SO NICe! Nice-hearted people...

--// Through sorrow, I find strength...

Who ever thought you could find Joy, in suffering...haha. It just never really made sense, till now...

I guess, maybe one thing is, there are people with you on that...

Is it ok...to NOT like alcohol? I mean, I always feel like the odd one out...

Thinkin' Back.

At UOIT, I didn't feel so great about it from the start...

I really disliked how...there was this 'feeling'....where I didn't belong.

I felt i didn't fit in...I was an outcast in the school.

But God's blessed me with new many greatt people this year. I just had to...get to know them. I'm finding that more and more people in Oshawa...are quite kind, loving, & cool.

I used to feel like an outcast asian (this is 'Oshawa' we talkin bout)...but I found my asian friends (anyways, that's besides the point). They also happen to be my christian circle of friends which is cooll...we play Katan together, bang, monopoly (the card game), LAN parties, and read the Bible, pray, and share together.

I've also met many others in UOIT. I mean, NON-asians are actually friendly people too!! I kid I kid...only cuse i know 'someone's reading this. I mean, honestly, there are many greatt people here...and I have yet to meet more! I am so blessed by them...

Thank You for giving me this 2nd year at UOIT, and putting me here in the first place!

P.S. I finally know who u are now "C. Anonymous" lol jk.

Unceasing Worship

We have comprised a total of 5 ccf members: Arnold, Tony, Chris, Gabrielle & Me =)

Asians for the winn

LOLs kidding, it's not really official, but it's just our own little prayer/share/discussion meeting!

We have an on campus fellowship that we go to (most people are coccasion), but we've decided to start meeting up together...as chinese/asians...to pray and support each other weekly. Destination: At Me and Tony's Res. Yup.

--//I've been reading a worship book lately, called "Unceasing Worship"

And today, I learned that..."Nobody does not worship".

"Everybody inhabiting this world today, is bowing down and serving someone or something. Could be an artifact, a person, an institution, and idea, a spirit, or God through Christ".

"Worship is the continuous outpouring of all that I am, all that I do, and all that I can ever become in light of a chosen, or choosing God".

Why Outpouring? Or...why "pouring"? Because you want to POUR out continually. You don't want drip. Dripping is not pouring. Dripping is discontinuous, drip by drip. By pouring, there is no room for anything else in between.

Worship, is not singing songs (if not known already). Singing songs and giving praise is a form of worship, but it is not the ONLY form of worship. Worship, does not stop. After you finish singing, or what we call today as "worship time" when we come together at church, that is NOT the end of worship. You don't worship 'some times'...and not, during other times. (I lost my idea here...maybe I will post it in the future)

Some examples of outpouring the book gives are: serving, relating, giving, befriending, revealing, fellowshipping , sacrificing, bearing up with, and more like it.

Some concepts are quite hard to understand for me...but I do get a lot out of it.

Sharing Care

I don't care for other people...yet I want people to care for me; how is that fair?

I really feel like I genuinely don't care sometimes...a LOT of times...ALL the time, probably.

I don't think 'care' is something that's not mutual. I mean, when people give you love, usually you'd wanna give it back. Or you're supposed to feel a tendency to show care back. When you're loved, you want to love back. It's almost a mutual thing.

"Do to others, as you would have them do to you" (Luke 6:31)

I don't know how that relates, directly. But, it seems like it does.

--//In past posts, it seems like I DO CARE a lot...but for the wrong reasons/things. I care about how ppl see me, my impression on people. I care about how the things I do affect people, or offend people, or affect an image of me. That's a different care. There's a difference between caring about people, and...caring about what people think, which translates to caring about yourself. So ones, caring about OTHERS really, and ones caring about YOURSELF. Hmm...

I'm sorry, if you hafta read this...it might annoying already, that I rant so much...so I apologize to those readers.

Me Eyes

If we didn't have eyes...I wonder if we'd sin as much. If we were blind, we would be free...I'd think, of a lot more temptations. Because most of the things that distract and attract me, are things that I can see.

Being able to see, could be a blessing. But it could also become a tool of temptation (most very very likely).

I mean, we can use the eyes we have to...read the Bible. Or, we could use it to...look at...other more attractive things.

Wisdom...

Teeth, that is.

It's now 5:03am, and...I can not sleep. The only difference between this night and other nights is...I took some drugs. Medical Drugs that is, that help me ease pain, prevent swollen-ness, and infection, due to my wisdom teeth surgery. I thank God I'm a tank (not in a cocky way, cuse, who says that? lol)...just for this time around. I took my wisdom teeth out today...and I was up and running, doing everything normal, today. I ate regularly, went to church...hardly needed any rest; when I hear that most people take a week or two to recover from wisdom teeth surgery. Praise the Lord haha.

Well, we don't KNOW if there;s any problems yet, but so far, it's been smooth.

Iunno man.

Another thing, that struck me is, earthly love is so momentary (momentarily?). We all happy and we all feel loved and belong for a while, for a moment. A moment could be a period of time (could be a minute, could be 10 years). I guess it comes with experience in this world for a longer time. Just when you've finally lived it out...

Like the friends now, whoever it is...obviously don't last forever, we know that. As in, they'll die, you'll die someday, or...they might just not be your friend your WHOLE life.

We'll always say "I love you guys!"..."You guys make my world.."..."love, love, love". There's just so much love...that people talk about. We say..."We got your back"...many times, but you'll know when the time comes...if they REALLY got your back. The real test when you're in need.

But obviously, you can tell when you are loved. No one's stupid enough to just believe that words of "love", mean that they're loved. If nobody really rmbs you, or cares, or talks to you anymore...then yea. It's hard I know, how is it possible to remember EVERYONE? But yea, that's the truth I guess...you can't include everyone. No one has a life like that. For a living, they go and make friends/be a friend...

Maybe, there IS a job like that. Iunno i can see it a little, but who DOES that?

And even for the momentary "tightness" in a group, or between certain people, that doesn't go on forever either. Eventually, you'll be distracted...by many things. You won't ALWAYS be in somebody's lives, and they in yours.

It takes a lotta effort to truly put your heart and care for EVERY SINGLE person you know. That's like the master challenge ever...

So we just say..."we love them lots". Because obviously, we ultimately ALL want to be loved back too...

We loved, because we want love back.

God loves...because He loves. He's the definition of love. That's why, He's the ONLY one up there! lol haha. There's none like Him. God manages all. Only He's capable of loving each and every one of us. Humans can't. We're just not capable.

4 things that I was reminded of today.

1) Be Joyful

2) Die to everything in this world, live for everything of God's, because we're not worthy at all

3) God will provide.

4) Be filled with the Holy Spirit (it will remind you, give you discernment, in perhaps a form of guilt)

Pulse #3

I feel so fake lately...I lack genuine love (that should come from the God up there).

--//You know how they say music makes you smarter?...That case doesn't apply to me. I'm an exception.

I mean, I always wondered (and frustrated) why I'm not smart. I wanna be smart. I'm frustrated at the stupid decisions I make. 'Smart' can mean a lotta things, I guess it's pretty general. But I want...wisdom, maybe that's what it is. I want discernment...and I want to be able to know what to do in situations.

Situation #4

yea, it's kinda hard when: You want people to talk to

you, but you don't wanna talk to people at the same

time.

So it works like this: I like it when people approach

me, to talk to me (but talk about what??). But I suck

at approaching others, because I'm just an awkward

person when I start a conversation.

Lol, today Jenny told me something. I wanna be more

open and friendly like her. Being able to approach

other people. Especially those who other people don't

approach, those are the more challenging ones. It's

challenging in terms of, wantingseeing the need to

approach them. To see that they're not accepted. So

maybe that's also a good opportunity to tell them about

Christ too.

Woww...i totally went off topic there. I always do

that. I think of one thing, and then another...

--// When someone's troubled or down...i never know what to

do. Do I ask them what's wrong and try to comfort them?

or leave them alone? because they 'possibly' would

wanna be left alone, due to the fact that I don't

totally understand the situation?

I just see them down,

and i wanna do something about it. But in my position,

I don't know if i can, or if i should. what if i can't do

anything about it?...maybe another person's better for the job. A person that understands him/her.

Like yea, if i do, I could say something wrong. If i don't, I don't feel very great...just seeing someone there...uncomforted.

Well, what I ended up doing, is I just stood beside him/her, saying nothing.

Silly Discussions

I disagree with the fact that piano gets girls. Or really, any musical instrument gets girls.

Overall, Communication does. If you can talk good...sorry, talk well...Good talker! there!

(Just a debate we had. Well, not really a debate, more like a discussion that came up)

Cuse you can have the best musical skill in the world...heart-melting...hypnotic...falling-for-you-head-over-heels music. But if you can't even talk to your gf/wife/partner...what good is it.

But if you have the necessary comunnication skills (which is usually enough), but don't have any musical 'talent'...you can still have a relationship with somebody. It happens everywhere around the world! lol.

Someone can really like you when you play music...but it lasts as long as...they get to know you.

This discussion is not smart.

Interestingly Expressed

Here's a secular video (non-christian)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI&feature=related

But it's me.

To sum it up, I'm not very happy with my performance. I haven't been happy with it since...about when I reached Grade 11 in High school (could've been before too).

I feel like I don't know how to use the brain that God gave me, properly.

It's like a stage, where it's been happening. Maybe I had my own 'stupidity' before, but nowadays, I have a whole level of stupidness. Also...a whole new level of laziness, which may explain why it leads to stupidness at times. They DO link together actually. Surprisingly, or NOT too surprisingly to some people.

2 questions/statements

So when Peter gave these 2 questions/comments today, this is how I reflected/responded:

When you want to know how it feels like to be filled with the Holy spirit, the best way is to serve. (What he means is, serve somewhere in the church, and you'll feel a whole lot different than just an average lukewarm christian. When you NEED to ask God for something you can NOT do alone.)

But my response is: No, it is not true. But yes, it kinda is. I say this...because I'm serving RIGHT NOW; and I DON'T feel a difference. I don't feel different compared to how I was before. I don't particularly feel like I'm "filled" with the Holy Spirit, or feel like a better christian. I just feel the same. A lukewarm christian perhaps. But here's the one big key that changes everything....I don't DO ANY of it for God. The prime focus is NOT God. So that may also explain why I don't ask Him for help. The prime focus is either my impression, my 'duty', or others respect/'awe' for me. So therefore, in Peter's statement, it should've been: "For those who serve with whole hearts, with our one and only main focus on Jesus Christ; THEY will be filled with the Holy spirit". Maybe, That's why I haven't yet. I've always felt the same.

Second question was: 'What's hindering us from the original focus of God'? Something along those lines...I can't remember the words that he used, but yea, the analogy was that...when there's water added to Grape juice, it gets diluted right? So what is that dilution in our lives, with our relationship with Christ? Peter's was that, He read the Bible only for the sake of teaching it to us, as a fellowship. He lost the real reason why he would want to read the Bible. His desire to read was for a different reason.

So my answer to that was: The desire for love/respect from other people, is what's hindering my true relationship with God. I can elaborate later.

I did a horrible job of re-explainning things...but, I guess, I understand it, if anything.

Relationships, Relationships...

This proves to show that even when you WANT and TRY to have a relationship with others, you can't just have it. You can't just go, "I want a relationship with you right now", let's have it...or let's start it. It'd be pretty weird saying that. This itself sounds kinda weird already, but basically, I'm saying there are people...I want to get to know better? And I don't know how to do it...or start it...or approach with. That's on my weak side I guess, not exactly my best ability to do stuff like that.

Maybe, human relationships come more naturally...you can't/don't just MAKE it happen. So it would be weird, if I said "Hey you, I wanna be close with you"...let us be close now. Then what....

But this shows how different humans are from God. God is...always open. He's waiting for you actually. He's just waiting for you to talk to Him, and know more about Him. And often, we are just the one's that might not be interested. But He has done His part, His half.

You can start a relationship with God whenever...it's all on you, to make or break the relationship.

--//knowing too many things about YOURself and OTHERs can be so unhealthy

My buddy L.

[ мдĸї мдĸї ] says:

*whats wrong conan

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*nothinnn relaly L.M.

*I've been alrite

*oh just right now

*i got in an argument

[ Leo ] says:

*explain Conan Yu is unhappy, there is no better word

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but nothin muchh

*not relali what im thinkin about now

*right now, I'm just reflecting

[ Leo ] says:

*w parents?

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*and thinking

[ Leo ] says:

*i see

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*ohh wow, u good

*u prettty good

*i guess u can just tell

*im too easy lol

*but that's not the big deal

*but i was unhappy cuse of that

*but right now, I'm jsut thinking aboiut...stuff

[ Leo ] says:

*naw haha i dont see you getting upset with anyone else haha

*your too nice

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*u no...the stuff...I always think about

*being the Conan I am

[ Leo ] says:

*so only other thing would be parents i gues shaha

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*haha wows

*good err analyiss

[ Leo ] says:

*LOL nothing wrong with reflecting

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*well, right now, I'm just thinking thoughts

[ Leo ] says:

*i do it all the time :P

*dont go too deep into it lol

*it gets dangerous

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yeaa i knowww

*it is SO true

*looks like u've got experience of ur own

*thinking, can do a lot

[ Leo ] says:

*:] who doesnt buddy

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*many thingss

*butt yeaa, it looks like u've been in my situation before

*it's like probably, u've gone thro what i've gone thro

[ Leo ] says:

*yea, but jsut use reflecting as a tool you know to motivate future

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*unh hhuhh

[ Leo ] says:

*not to punish past

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*like , reflecting/thinking

*gets me self-conscious

*wow, that's a goof quote

*I mean

*good "say"

*you put it in such good words

*"motivate the future, not punish the past"

[ Leo ] says:

*haha hmmmmmmm

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*punish the past, that's EXACTLY what i do

[ Leo ] says:

*self concious

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*and i gotta stoppp

*woww, i like those words

[ Leo ] says:

*i know, i do the same

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*LOL

*that u use

[ Leo ] says:

*thats why i feel you haha

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*like, ur like a "me" ,but more experienced

[ Leo ] says:

*but yo, calm down and realize you know

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*cuse ur older, and u've gone thro it

[ Leo ] says:

*that you have alot of potential... im so jealous of anuyone who can play piano as well as you haha

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*I always get pretty 'happy/excited"? can't find better words

*when ppl understand the same thing i do

*even better, is when ppl have gone thro it

*like it's the best

[ Leo ] says:

*LOL

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*my frustration usua;lly comes from, people who don't understand what the heck

*or where the heck im coming from

*but yeaa, it's pretty cool ,there are ppl that think "alike" like me

*ya know

*lolss

[ Leo ] says:

*that because life isnt fair and thing you have to go through not everyone else has

*in saying that, you also dont have to go through many tihngs other people have gone through so it's normal not everonye understands everyone else

*whats bothering you

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*just "me"

*I'm botheriing me

*as always

[ Leo ] says:

*LOL thats a borad topic

*why

*dont

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*just who i am

*LOL

[ Leo ] says:

*who are yo

*u

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*um becausee ok, just NOW, I'll tell u what im thinking

[ Leo ] says:

*ok

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*I'm thinking about, how when people are 'encouraging', it's so nice

*everybody wants that

*When you say good words, that lift people up, sorta thing

*But I don't do that

*I don't encourage ppl

*becausee I don't SAY things, that i DON't meann

*And very often, i don't have a lot of genuine encouragement usually!

*so, i was just thinking that

[ Leo ] says:

*hmmm thats fine.

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*and most of the encouragement i give, is probably "fake"

*like, not from the bottom of my heart

[ Leo ] says:

*i see

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*so, I hate that

*I hate when i do that

*becausee

*it's just so hypocrite

*inside

[ Leo ] says:

*then stop. if youre done someingthing you dont like

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*I hate that kinda thing

[ Leo ] says:

*stop

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yea, so i don't do it

*or would like not to do it

*but when i don't

*everyone's gonna be like "you're such a downer"

*or u never have anything encouraging to say

[ Leo ] says:

*man. if youre getting upset over things such as these then what you need to do it write it what you dont like, then write what you can do to fix it

*for example

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*like, im also scared of people judging

*that's my OTHER side/part of me

*umm i also would LOve encouragement

*if i COULD that is

*GENuinely

*if i could genuinely say something encouarging then i wouldd

*but there AREN"t many!

*coming from me

*ok, example:

*I'll wait

[ Leo ] says:

*you dont like the fact that you're not encouraging others from bottom of your heart, then theres 2 things you can do

*wait

*before i get carried away

*what type of encouragement

*give me an example

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*So, eg. in softball, "Good job batter"?

*when i don't even mean it

*which, could be kinda bad

[ Leo ] says:

*why dont you mean it

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but i only feel like saying it, cuse it would be a jerk not to

*well, it's not from the total bottom of my heart

*I feel if i say it, it's because i want people to see that i say it

*in the end

*it's not becaues i actually mean it

*so, i woiuld rather not say it

*and i feel horrible when i do

*i wanna say things cuse I REALLY wanna

*not any other motive i guess

*so basically, I do things for the likes of other ppl

[ Leo ] says:

*interesting

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*i do things not for...doing it, or what the action "shjould" imply

[ Leo ] says:

*that makes sense. then thr problem is not about the encouragement

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but for other reasons

*such as, you know, you just gOtta do it

[ Leo ] says:

*when you relaly hone down the problem, its not that your giving false encouragements, its that youre self consious

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*because it wouldn't even be CALLEd an encouragement

*if it's not relaly from the bottom of your heart

*it's called an act, or a show

[ Leo ] says:

*nonono

*when you say good job batter

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yea yeaaaaa

*likee u no whatt

[ Leo ] says:

*even when the batter sucked

*it means that you are trying to encourage and give confidence to the batter regardless of his performance

*there really no coming from the heart i tihnk with this

*yea, people mess up sometimes and what happens is that you give encouragement to make him feel better?

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*most people just do "what im doing"

*without noticing it

[ Leo ] says:

*your completely twisting this

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*the only difference about me, is, i notice it

*ok, sorry, i really ur msgs now

[ Leo ] says:

*LOL

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*because this whole time i was just thinking to myself trying to gather all my thots and then type it out

*ok, im read to listen lol

[ Leo ] says:

*i think your beign too hard on yourslef haha

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*okk...what i mean is...I believe...that everybody has this "motive" behind them

*but it's just whether it's 'conscious' or 'unconscious' to them

*for me, it's conscoius

*ok, u might be confused now

[ Leo ] says:

*nope

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*because, anybody would be

[ Leo ] says:

*i understand

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*even if u understand me

*like, cuse i don't do a good job of communicating, lol i know already

[ Leo ] says:

*your saying that yours is to impress people and you tihnk your being fake

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yeaaaa somehatt

*or basically, yea it is

*it is correct

*but yea, when ppl say all that nice stuff, the encouragement and all that

*i guess they don't really think about it like that

*they do it, because it's...pretty natural i guess

*and it doesn't really occur to them that they're being "fake"

*like i make it out like

*or I COULD be the one that is diff, and weird

*but yea, i see it differently

*yea, altho it's all natural to them

[ Leo ] says:

*OK HOLD ON

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*unconsciously, we all have a motive...the real reason we doin it for

*you know, everybody wants love

[ Leo ] says:

*wait wait wait

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*or everybody wants be loved

*and really, we only love others...so they could love us back

*like, that is almost a fact

*because, we humans

*we don't love unconditionally. like God

*but every action we do...has a pur;pose

*and the purpose usually leads to a benefit for us...ultimately...

*agreedd?

*ok, u can talk now =)

[ Leo ] says:

*haha

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*LOL

[ Leo ] says:

*you should go into philsophy

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*reallyy...

*no it's jus common observation

*loll

*it's just overtime, u realize

*u see these things, that's it

*and u no urself

*that is the best thing to observe, or judge?

*like, u can only know urself best

*and what we all are, are HUMAn

[ Leo ] says:

*thats actaully someones idea where he tihnks there is a universaal selfishness which is very interesting

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*so, we can'tbe that far off

*no wut i mean

*lol "someone's"?

*hahaha

*yeaa, i bet someone wrote aobut it before

[ Leo ] says:

*i forgot his name

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*well, i think it's true

[ Leo ] says:

*its published thoguh

*you shoulld read on it

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*i don't really, think that....MAYBE it's possiblee

*i dunno i dunno

*but as flawed human beings that God created

[ Leo ] says:

*conan, what is it that you want

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*we just don't have rela love...amongst us

*lol what is "What"?

[ Leo ] says:

*kk

*i tihnk theres a difference between how you see the encouragement issue and how others do

*you so worried about what people think about you that thats why you encourage others such as the good job batter

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yea, but u see, what it is, is...It doesn't matter if the batter sucks or not

[ Leo ] says:

*but theres people who really dont care about how other seems them and when they say good job batter, its not because they care about what the people next to them tihnks but because they ARE actaully tihnking about the batter

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*like, EVEN...say, if he's good

[ Leo ] says:

*NO

*it doesnt

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*I could say it unwillingly

*or just basically, i don't "feel" like saying it

*just the "feel"'s not there

*LOL

*maybee, I'm too lazy??

*could be

*but whatever it is, I just know im not motivated to actually do that

[ Leo ] says:

*no one says you HAVE to encourage the batter

*if you dont want to then dont

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*And I'm actually forcing myself if I say it

[ Leo ] says:

*be firm with your actions

*I dont wanna say it so im not goign to

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yeaaa, this is major overkill

*overthink

[ Leo ] says:

*why

*conan, at the end of the ady

**day

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*this is just one of the episodes/topics/things

*we can uncover more

*LOl

*that I mind/brain gets wack, or crazy over about

*weird stupid, sjdakl stuff

[ Leo ] says:

*if your encouraging other for any other reason then y0uo wanting to encourage them then you really shouldnt

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yes, at the end of the day...

*Yes, I agree

[ Leo ] says:

*thats ebcause you are over thinking things

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*that's why i do not like doing it

[ Leo ] says:

*then dont conan

*such an easy solution

*dont

*why do you say it in the end

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yeaa i guess...THAT"s what I'll doo.......

*loll

*i guess what i really want, is to clarify/explain myself to ppl? who question about it

*like i feel like I'm the person who talks to no one

*who has nothing "good" to say ever

[ Leo ] says:

*who questioning about it

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*and i want to justifiy that...maybe that's what

[ Leo ] says:

*and waht is "it"

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*that...It's because Of THISSSS

*lollll

*that's my reasonnn

[ Leo ] says:

*no one would queston why you encouraged a batter

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*haha, do u get that tho?

[ Leo ] says:

*even if they do, all you have to say is becuase i wanted to

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*no, if i do NOT encourage

*If i DO encourage then it's fine with other ppl, but it wouldn't be fine with myself

[ Leo ] says:

*nothings gonna happen if you dont

*if you want

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*If i DON't encourage, it would not be fine with others, but what i would preferbly do...since i don't mean it wholehearted

*so i won't say

[ Leo ] says:

*ill go to a game with you and jsut sit around and not encourage anyone. im confident no one will make me say anything

*still, i tihnk you are over thinking other's people reaction to you.

*if i do end up saying good job to anyone, its because i genuinly actaully think they did a good job

*not because i want others to see me praising others

*thats the key difference i think between you and me at this moment.

*i fully understand what you mean

*the tihng with what youre saying is that you're so ocncerned about what people tihnk about you that when you say something, you've lost the meaning of what youre saying becuase youre thinking of other stuff other that what youre saying

*when you say something, you shouldnt be tihnking of "oh, what would she think about me if i say this"

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*YESS

[ Leo ] says:

*when you say good job bater, you should be genuinly in your mind be thinking, yes, that batter did a good job. I'll praise him for it.

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*ALMOST

*preciseLY!

[ Leo ] says:

*you know?

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*jsut almostt

*you are like....

*99.9%

*correctt

[ Leo ] says:

*w2heres the .% then

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*altho i don't relaly know where the 0.01% is

*but cuse i never give 100%

[ Leo ] says:

*if you cant think of a reason im wrong then im right haha

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*nothing's ever perfectly...done, whatever it iss

*even i dunnoo

[ Leo ] says:

*i guess

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but yeaa it's uncertainity

[ Leo ] says:

*what do you see wrong with it

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*nothing is wrong

*it's just

*arghh can't explain behind that

*but yea, ur basically right

[ Leo ] says:

*what i like to do is, when i tihnksoemthing is right, i say its 100% right until someone proves me wrong

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*ohhhh

*ic, is that how it is

[ Leo ] says:

*that way you'll be more confident in yourself

*not haveing to worry about that .1 which is mathmatically negilgable

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*mmm yeaa

*ok, i know where the 0.01% is

*to be exact, overthinking about how I'm encouraging to be praised is just ONE of the reasons

*one of the big reason

[ Leo ] says:

*explain

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*other times, I'm just lazy...

*and im just REALLY not in the mood to encourage, and actually mean it

*BUT, i do it anyways

*it's SO small...this thing

[ Leo ] says:

*ok see heres the thing. thats already the problem

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but it;s there

[ Leo ] says:

*I couldnt care less if the person i praise wont prise me back

*for example, a person you dont get along with (mutual hate) does well at batter

*well enough that i think he deserves my clap or a praise then ill give it to him.

*chances are he wont even accept my praise or will shrugg it off

*i dont care, i think he did well so I'mm show it through clapping or praise

*so its not to get praise back you see?

*its because I actuially think he did well.

*youre still thinking of other things

*Concept of the night: when you praise someone, you should be actaully thinking about his performance and not about what comes after whether it be recieving praise back or others thinking of you being a party pooper

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*hmmm i like your concept

*sooo positive

*andd actually no, not really

[ Leo ] says:

*w/e man. the concept of praise is that you express you awe or apprieciaion in what you see

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but very..."jik jeep"

[ Leo ] says:

*NOT to get favours back

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*bad canto

[ Leo ] says:

*thats how YOU should be taking life too

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*umm but i like how you just "say what you want"

*that's the best

*say what your inner, whole heart feels almost

*i wish i could just do that

*that would be the best life ever

*i would be the best "me" if there's such thing

*Ever

[ Leo ] says:

*to help you getting over being slef conciosu you should try it too

*why not

*i think you are self concious because theres a certain thing that is casueing it

*what are you not ocnfident of

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*I...right now....

*it's more of, the many things I've realized, and see, and...yeaa

*I see...that it is possible to doubt

*so i doubt

*I see...it is possible to fail

*so I fail

*I see....there is a possibility that people may see me this way

*so I act differently

*aka, I als fail

[ Leo ] says:

*give me example of each

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*because my greatest goal/joy is relaly to be myself

*ok, so even piano...ok i'll use piano example

*umm u can say I'm not too bad at the piano right...

*not in a boasting way but...yea

*I can suddenly...forget how to play the piano

*if i just simple tell myself...that there is 'possibility' that i can;t

*that "cant" exists

*possiblity = existence

*and also, THE potential possibility tends to take over

*just cuse...it's "possible"

*darnn, im starting to sound confusing now, I was doing ok before

*and so, when I clearly CAN play the piano...I CAN't play the piano...

*Get it?

[ Leo ] says:

*well there is the fact that attitude has a great deal with performance. people who do well usually dont do well tihnking how they would fail but how nice it would be to passs. of coursfe, failing needs to have back up plans but that not the main focus. main focus is to succeed

*what your doing is letting yourself fail because you know tyhere is the posssibility to fail

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*EXACLLY what I long for

*like, i LONG for it

*I want it

*I WANT that ability!

[ Leo ] says:

*?

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*i would kill

[ Leo ] says:

*no

*dont kill

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*well, no i wouldn't

[ Leo ] says:

*what you need ot do

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*loll

*but what i want

[ Leo ] says:

*it stop being scared of life

**is

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*is that ability, to "NOT think about your "fall", ur "doubt""

[ Leo ] says:

*you so scared of failing that its stoping you from succeeding

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but instead think of ur success

[ Leo ] says:

*no

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*and that only that's possible

[ Leo ] says:

*everyone doubt i ithnk

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*there is no otherr option

*or maybe there s

*but not one of failing

[ Leo ] says:

*no failing is always a possibility

*almsot ALWAYS

*thats why there a fail blog, because its hilarious when people do

*But still, what you doing is looking down

*if you look at all the successful people

*they look up at when can be if the succeed

*not what will be if they fail

*you need to let yourself get excited about suceeding more then being ashamed when you fail

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*well OBViously failing's a posiility

*yea yeaaa

[ Leo ] says:

*when you really excited about succeeding, you wont want to tihnk about failing and thats what youll end up doing theoretically, succeeding

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*it's IF u aLREAdy think you can fail

*thenn really, u most likely will fail

*but EVERybody failss

*in their lives some time

[ Leo ] says:

*yea

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*but the important thing is, don't let it be a possibility in the beginning

[ Leo ] says:

*failing is a part of life, you get back up stronger. imagine if noone failed at anything in life

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*the result

*regardless

[ Leo ] says:

*then success wont mean much

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*what happens happens

*this world obiv isn't perfect

*but u can start off good...by not having 'fail' as existent

[ Leo ] says:

*sorry haha, i dont tihnk our world runs like that

*you need to understand failing is a part of life.

*when you fail you learn more from it then if you succeed right from the start

*what you're talking baout it a fool proof one way path to success

*if there really was such a path, then there wouldnt be hobos

*by focusing so hard on failing, what if you actaully do succeed.

*you wouldnt know waht to do next cuz you didnt itnhk about it. all you thought about was when you failed

*therefore you should stop thinking baout failing but instead about winning.

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yessss man

*yes

[ Leo ] says:

*stop aggreeing with me unless you actaully do it lol :]

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*and u see, if u aim for success, u might get "below sucess"

*that's why kinda the saying "Aim high"

*u probably won't even get it

[ Leo ] says:

*LOL see

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*But if u aim 'fail'

*ur goina fail anyways

[ Leo ] says:

*there you go again

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*lol

[ Leo ] says:

**u probably won't even get it*

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*heyyy but, just spitting out thoughts on my mind

[ Leo ] says:

*what if you do get it

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*can't help itt

*but im listening

*then ok, I will believe i DO get it

*but reality is...i won't LOLL

*Okokokok i 'll stop thinking that

*i WILL get it ok

*i WILLL

*that's finall

*I WILL reach it

*i WILL get success Ol

*"lol"

[ Leo ] says:

*conan, it takes a long time to rewire yourself

*thats why you need freinds that push you on

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*i believe i do

*and here u are

*helping me

[ Leo ] says:

*not friends that encourage you because they tihnk youlll encourage them back, but you know

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*i appreicate, did i say that yet?

[ Leo ] says:

*friend that pushes you because they are actaully trying to help you

*no ones perfect and you jsut have to life with that, but the point is to maximize what you have in life

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yeaaa, and u no what, i believe there is a tendency that....

Ppl who understand each other tend to help those ppl...who they understand

[ Leo ] says:

*thats what i ithnk

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*well, htat's kinda obvious

*butt i think that's true

*like, those who understand me, and vice versa, i kinda talk to them so muchh moree

*but that's another obvi

[ Leo ] says:

*haha

*im glad we agree

† Conan Yu - Yo, Give me your # if you want...yea, you says:

*yeap, u no what, I'm gonna save this convo...

*and keep it as memory LOL

*it is one GREAt convo

Giving encouragement is great...but I don't WANT to give it, when i don't MEAN it when I give it.

Like, I don't wanna say "Good 'job' *whoever*" if i don't actually mean it. I don't wanna say it, cuse it's GOOd to say it. Not gonna say it cuse every one else does...everyone's being encouraging, so I TOO should be encouraging. I'm just not like that. And when I have done that, I don't feel so great about it. I really hate saying stuff, that i don't even mean.

So, honestly, i don't know if it's 'just' (justified) to be really un-encouraging (as long as it's not discouraging), if I won't mean it anyways.

So would you rather, fakingly say something nice, or not say it at all. I would, not say it at all.

Ofc, if you could say something genuinely nice, that would be the best. Which I often look for, and hope that I can say. If it's genuine, I'll def say it.

It's like, I try not to say something because I'm pressured to say it. I want to say things, when I want, and what I want. I want to say things from my heart.

Tired/Grasshoppers

I was so tired yesterday...that I just slept with the lights on -_-. It was a good sleep =) Surpringly, one of the best I've ever had.

Oh, and when I woke up, I saw a grasshopper hopping beside my bed, so I caught it and brought it outside back to nature world.

Grass hoppers are so interesting...full of hops. One of the bugs that I'm actually not afraid to catch, but one of the most challenging bugs to catch, cuse...they have MAD hops.

Love 'All'...

Telling yourself you're able to love everyone...is way easier, than doing it. TLC kinda reminded me a bit...about loving every one no matter what, just like how God loved us no matter what. This year, as interns, I guess we've been paid (or our pay includes...) taking care of special needs. This year, there is only one, but through even one...it was a challenge, and a learning experience for me to bond & build relationship with others besides the...'average' kid, i guess you can say. If anything, I hope my love towards my neighbors (which includes: everybody) will build up, and eventually, my heart itself will learn to love genuinely, and full-heartedly. I really wish for that, because it's a challenge...and even a skill. It's something you can ask God for, pray to Him about it.

--//So apparently, my official name given to me in TLC is now "Coco...", some variations are "coco-puffs" and "Coco-nut", and apparently "Coco-nana". Even the counsellors call me that...

It's not the first time I've heard it. It came back again, and I have a feeling I know why...

My gift is in playing music (if at all)...not teaching it. It's funny how it's 2 totally different things.

If you have knowledge about something, it doesn't mean you can teach it. But if you can teach something, you HAFTA have knowledge about it.

I kinda envy those who can teach...who can express...who can get an idea across. Those are the key things usually. An idea is useless, if u can't express it. Unless you express it, you'll be doing some good, you'll be useful, you'll be contributing.

Thinking kills...but overthinking, overkills...

I don't know why I always gotta be 'somebody'. What's wrong with being a 'nobody'?

Definition of a 'nobody' (mine) : you're not really funny, hence no ones attracted to really talk to you. Also, you're not fun to be around, so hence nobody wants to talk to you either.

I always want somebody to think I'm special to them. Why?

People usually value you or have you on their mind, because you've contributed somehow to their lives. E.g. when you talk to them, form a relationship (that counts). And that's just a soft example.

Also, now that I know for a fact that people read this...I don't know if I'll blog the same. Any 'thing' can affect me REAL easily. 'Things' of this earth...impact me greatly. Why?

Thinking kills you...Over-thinking over-kills you.

Distractions: Pride

Swallow your pride, or it'll swallow you. Cuse, any time I feel anything like it...I can't do anything right.

Blessings, Where do they come from?? Where?? My father up there!

--//Praise God, from WHOM all blessings flow! specfically, I'm thinking about musical blessings. Thank God, for being with me in spirit and in music!

--//and today, todayyy...my cousin gave me an ipod touch! as a gift for playing piano for them...oh, and with my name engraved on the back saying "Conan, YU ROCK" (i thot of that one for a while, but the first to hear it from someone). How sweet of them...at least it'll be harder for people to steal now, since it has my name engraved. But, lol obvi it won't stop any body from stealing it., if they REALLy wanted to steal it. anyways...

I am SO blessed! Thanks, all my cousins in the world wherever you are, you are the most awesome-est people. You fill me with joy and love. You guys ARE love lol.

When I was younger

You know, when I was younger, I used to love riding air planes (in the night sky, and see shooting stars, kidding)...

Now, I think I lost that wonder...that "excitedness" of riding airplanes. It's not that great & wonderful anymore like when I was like a baby till...maybe 10 yrs old about? lol iunno. I also used to like living in hotels, because it was SO exciting! But now...it's all the same to me. Hotel, and not a hotel (my house), no difference. I used to feel so "cool" in a hotel, cuse they were so nice...and it was memory of wonderful things! But now, I'm just going there to play for a wedding, so it's just pressure if anything. I guess it'll be be fun too...but it'll be a different kinda 'fun'.

Wish me some 'luck'.

I want somebody to be happy...because of me.

Telling yourself what you can do, is not as effective as...

NOT telling yourself what you CAN NOT Do.

For example "I can say this...in front of people, I'm not afraid". It's NOT as great as...

*Not saying that you "can't say things in front of people"*

which is basically not say anything (in your head).

So the solution is...don't even think. Just do. literally. Know what you need to do, what you 'should' be doing, what is right to do...and do it. That's it lol.

First 2 softball practices

So today, I attended my second softball practice at Sanctified. My first softball practice was at Ravens. Sorry, Sanctified, I actually joined their practice yesterday, and then came to yours today. I got to meet my fellow teammates today, glad I came. I think I'm slowly picking it up again...

Good news, my lung don't hurt anymore! =)...I've been feeling fine after 2 practices! this must mean something...

I guess what I also want is:

I wanna have more inside jokes, more interesting things to talk about...I wanna be...a humourous guy. In other words, a guy...with humor, a guy that's not mean, 'strict' (in ways?), and unpleasant to get along with.

but I obviously don't want to be those who try too hard to funny. All I want...is to be myself. Because I know I'm funny. I know I'm interesting. I know I'm capable! I just hafta be...myself I guess. So that's the challenge. Being myself is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do, and am still trying to do.

My challenge isn't trying be someone else, but trying to be myself. I hate...when I'm someone else. Because, I'm just NOT someone else! I'm clearly...ME! How stupid can someone be...to try to be someone else...haiz.

It's hard man...it's hard. I never thought I would face this (well ofc i wouldn't, back then i was innocent, i had knowleddge of something like this). But here I am, being the most self-conscious, self-evlautatoing, self-conceptual person in the world. Why am I like this? When did I turn like this?...Who did this to me??...clearly myself, who else.

I feel like I'm the person in control, but not really. I know what to do, but i don't do it. I have a solution, but i don't use it. I totally know I can stop something, but i don't do it. I see how everything works in my brain...but knowing all this 'useful' information...is NOT USEFUL! It does NOT help...

When you...

When you love some "person", "place" or "thing"...you want the 'moment' & 'time' that you're exposed to 'this' longer. Correct?

That's how I feel right now.

Whenever there's an opportunity for me to feel great, when I'm enjoying a moment with somebody, at some place, doing some thing. I LOVE it. I don't want it to go away. I want it to stay. And what if...it can't stay? I gotta DO something, to keep it, to make it stay.

When this happens, there is a "pressure", a "tension" to not fail...at keeping this 'wonderful', 'great' moment. And what happens when you're pressured? You get nervous...When you get nervous?...you trip up...screw up. Because that's what I tend to do when I'm friggin nervous!

Note to Self

Don't always be so mopy. Chin up!

Other people aren't happy, only because YOU are not happy. Don't judge from other ppl's faces, they're reactions. Don't be so sensitive. You're a guy. Guys can be sensitive...but no, not that great to be that sensitive. Don't think so much. Just remember...how happy you are to be with these people. If i could master that...

No one talks to me anymore...

Well, I don't talk to them...so why would they talk to me...

But, no one talks to me anymore...

Know your boundaries...

It's always good to know when to BACK off...in whatever situation.

It's a general statement. =P

Personally...

I personally like girls who...are..."sing mook". And if girls are "sing mook", they won't like me. because they are..."sing mook".

I don't mean this in any...way. Just a realization I came to.

What defines a relationship.

So how do we show that we have a relationship with someone? A way to show this connection between you 2?

By "relationship", I don't mean necessarily male & female, husband & wife, bf & gf.

It could be anyone...that you feel you have a relationship with...a connection...a bond.

To show that "this is who you are to me!", and what you think of them.

Sometimes, when I don't talk to someone...I wonder if that defines the relationship; if it means something...that this relationship...is...haii, i really don't know what to say here. But the point is, I don't MEAN to express that or send that message across. I'm not intentionally NOT talking...or maybe I am, because sometimes (just me, cuse I'm weird), I'm in a state of shyness and fear, that I can not( I repeat, CAN not, INcapable) of talking. Either because I just tell myself I can't...or...I fear to say the wrong words/wrong things...or sound like my often studdering stupid self which never ends up conveying a message across. So in a way, it IS intentional, but NOT really. I don't intentionally not speak to people with the intention of hurting them or symbolizing something of our relationship. BUT, i do intentionally not speak to people. Because that's me.

That whole blurb was asdjklsadjlkajdkl confusing ehh...yea. sorry, this was on my mind, while showering. I always think about deep stuff/weird stuff when I shower.

This, I must Overcome

Social Phobia: I am scared to talk to people, But at the same time I need people. When I don't have people, I feel lonely; When I'm with people, I feel scared (only to talk). Sometimes, I think I've overcome it. And sometimes, it feels like it comes back.

Being free FROM...

haha, sometimes the saying "Being free FROM something, instead of being free TO do something" applies to many things....like love.

Being free FROM love. By that I mean, sometimes your so distracted by earthly love, and only love that just takes away everything from you. That it enables you to do NOTHINg else, but only think about that. Actually, you know what, Love is a great thing! The Bible tells us to love. But maybe 'like' is the word I'm looking for. "Like' is just a desire, a feeling. Love...is something different, now that I think of it.

Edit: ('Like' is probably a temporary feeling, 'Love' is a commitment)

So sometimes, "like" can be SO distracting. Say all you do is think about that special someone....or it could be some "thing" I guess too...You don't HAfta be bound to it. you can free yourself AWAY from it, instead of telling yourself, I need the freedom to DO it. That's one way you can look at it to help yourself...and get yourself together.

Bottomline: In doing this, you are FREE-ing yourself from your own "mind-torture".

Summer Intern (Sacrifices, stress)

This job as an intern right now...

It has some sacrifices, that I'm not really used to yet. Everything changes...when I become a 'counselor' or a leader, not a volunteer anymore. The sacrifice is, I can't act like a volunteer anymore. Most of my time spent, won't be say, talking & chilling with my ex-didomite friends, but to be doing work and preparing for the program. Like, right now, I feel a totally different relationship change between when I 'used to be' a volunteer, and 'now', where I've taken on a more responsible role. I don't feel as close to the didomites like I used to. But AGAIN, CM leadersgip camp and retreat isn't about that! I know...but that's the 'sacrifice' I got to get used to.

It's esp different and special in my situation because...I'm only in 1st year! 1 year older than the oldest grade there. Probably not that much older. I feel like I'm part of them sometimes! And as a mentor/teacher, when things hafta get serious, I take on a different role, a different person to do what needs to be done. Almost, at times, I feel this change in relationship amongst them. I am not the same to them as I was before. That's why, this 'earthly' sacrifice; some times I don't know if I can give it up.

Plans to get married.

I wanna get married. I felt so lonely in a crowd of married/engaged/dating/partnered couples. I honestly wish I had my own. I wanted my own to share to, I wanted my own to feel like I had someone beside me...to feel that I'm not alone.

I Love you.

I love my cousin Elsie Chew! There's no one like her...that I know. On this earth.

Calgary, again (it's the only other place than Ontario i ever go)

I wish I brought my laptop to Calgary...now /i keep having to ask yee-ma all the time. I could be prepping and doin some work there, lol.

I mean, playing piano is good...but playing piano from morning to night is not...there's only so much creativity i can get.

Once I get back, it'll be CM Leadership camp! Can't wait to lead it...and have this wonderful learning experience in teach volunteers!

Struggles, Inner struggles. Inexpressible Struggles

I tell myself I can't do it. But I CLEARLY know...I can. It doesn't make sense in this world, only my world. hmmph.

How can i not do something, when I can do something. Arghh, a struggle of a lifetime. People might think I'm on drugs or somethin. I don't make any sense at all.

No title

It's a scar for life...I can't even lift...an amp. Ok, that's reasonable, cuse it's heavy, but when is it going to go away? This pain, can't even do what I regularly do, let alone play softball. Dang, my dad was right, I don't like the fact that he's right.

The Big Day (Everyone's happiest time)

I'm feelin really nervous...for this upcoming wedding. I don't want to ruin a memory of a lifetime O_O.

And I feel lazy at the same time...wow, that's unheard of...to play the piano, I'm never lazy! But I am now...

Why am I this tired?? lol, and this lazyy.

Think. Don't think TOO much. Don't Overthink

Haha, I got social problems, but I learned to live with it.

It's all in the head. My head just generates...all these things. These things...that really don't need to be there.

Why do I ALWAYS have diarrhea during my exams! (mainly during uni) LOL

Rising Generation...(my opinion)

The generation now, and later to come, are less disciplined, rebel, spoiled (I could be included)...

But they're also smart, knowledgeable & experienced at the same time...well, what "kind" of experience is arguable. But the point is the later generations pick up and know more things than us now! Because...they're exposed to more? negative or positive you say? Not to be negative...but I'm leaning more towards 'negative'...there's so many new 'worldly' things as time passes, and the world develops.

They can use it for positive things. But most of the time, it's negative. Because the origin, it stemmed off from a negative source? beginning? As long as it's earthly, and not "God-like" then yea.

I may not be exactly sure what I'm sayin here LOL, but wutevers. I blogged what I felt like..

Cool people, and stuff

This guys cool...I didn't know he was christian. And...he played drums for...only 6 years (from 16 - 22), I played more than that...

http://www.youtube.com/user/deedlebag?blend=1&ob=4#p/search/0/FA-23kWAvio

http://www.youtube.com/user/deedlebag?blend=1&ob=4#p/search/2/OL8nonY4QI8

P.S. How do you show ACTUAL videos from links, instead of only just putting the links there?

I stole this...

To be a Christian, means to be totally out of control. Out of control of our lives, our actions, our way of thinking; because if we are trying to be in control of this, we missed the memo. That's Someone Else's job.

- Kevin Gabriel (on fb)

Soft is good.

Today, I pray for a...soft...heart.

The truth must be said, I can't help it...

Before you read this...I know, God's made me the way I am, and it's not His fault obviously. But I feel partially the responsibility is on me, the way I turn out. Like, I hafta pull my part too, and so...back to what I originally wrote:

*

Partially the reason why I hate the way I am, is cuse i have a tendency to piss people off. Not exactly that I'm trying to, i mean, I'm actually trying to do the opposite. But it seems the harder I try to "not piss ppl off"...it pisses them off. Yea, and i can see why...like, i can understand...i don't blame them for being pissed. Because i would be too, I see where they are.

I'm one of those people who try SO hard to "not get people pissed at me", (like I'd get over-sensitive by that); who try to win everybody, who tries to be friends with everybody.

If I were somebody else lookin at this, I wouldn't like me either. I wouldn't like this "body" that I am...that attitude.

And my speech...it just adds on to the disaster. The more I talk, the bigger the hole deepens. I always use the wrong words at the wrong times.

*

--//Today in Sunday School, I taught the kids to "Tell the truth!"...also a reminder to myself lol.

Why can't I breathe, whenever I...

I get really captured, distracted, and pulled away by these things called "emotions".

Why are they so extra strong in me? Like, most people I know, don't have this problem.

I just let it...consume me. Like I can't move on. I can't do anything about it. I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I want. Sorry, don't judge me on that. I didn't steal Paul's words lol.

More dots

--//One of the things & people I look up to: When a person takes the time to "know" everybody else on their own personal level, while doing his job/position as service. Such as, instead of a worship leader just "leading worship" (which includes, picking out songs, running them over with "team"), He gets to know everyone on his team, and has a relationship with them. Those are the type of people I admire the most. *Thumbs up* to them. His/her worship team also feels comfortable talking to the worship leader about anything.

Watch it...

Watch out when you are complimented, or praised too much...

That is the beginning of arrogance, boasting, and non-humility, not humbleness...

Because you know it's true, what they say...

And when you know it's true...you will be very tempted. You will be lifted "high", and start to marvel at how great you are, forgetting WHY you're that great. The main source of that greatness. The struggle of humility begins..

James 1:9-10

"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower."

"Encouragement" is one thing, but if you take that encouragement, and follow your own evil desires of it, then it becomes pride. The focus, the worshiped, is not God anymore. It's you.

Why do humans need "Pride" so much!

Strengths...or...Weaknesses, Which should I pick?

"If you pay attention to your weaknesses, you'll just have stronger weaknesses. If you pay attention to your strengths, you'll have stronger strengths."

I learned that in Psych class today. LOL ofc I didn't actually learn it. I just keep getting reinforced, reminded, and come to a realization about it. All I can say is, a second opinion always has effect. But I keep telling myself this stuff, and all I do is type...

--// Opposites attract? so it's true. hmmm. It's suppose to be good to marry someone diff from yourself, or...let's say, things don't work out as well if you marry the "same" type of person as you, as time progresses farther. Another word was used actually...but yes.

Oh, and I'm a Golden Retriever

stands for people who are:

- soft...

- easily bossed, or basically don't like bossing other ppl around...

- don't want to start anything (such as fights, etc.)...

- Rather not confront ppl, even though there's something you'd like to express

- Just want to stay out of crap

- likes to get along with everyone (doesn't like making enemies)

- Doesn't like hurting people (that in turn, make enemies)

- Avoids things, avoids getting people mad, hurt, does not want ma fan,

- don't like change

- sensitive, self-conscious

- caring

- wants to be loved by everyone

- Wants appreciation

- indecisive

- Unable, incapable of expressing him/herself, emotions, mental, physical

So i should get with a NON-Golden Retriever...maybe a Lion? I donn't knoww how that would work out....

Lions are the ones that go: "What ever i say, goes. Screw you if you don't like it. If you come in between me and my goal, somebody gonna get the hurt real bad."

--//So today, ate dinner with "wo de mama"...at Chakos. Made up for it yesteday.

No title, sorry

I went cherry-picking with my mom today...in my own BACKYARD.

edit: Sorry, AND my dad...in fact, my mom didn't do anything. She said she'd come out, and then never did. But it's cool, we last time already...she's tired.

--//Oh, and Happy Birthday Mother! I'm so bad...I forgot. But I'll make it up!

I know...

Girls, we'lll never really understand them...we're too different. Hey, it's not a negative thing girls. It's just, I'll never get you guys.

The way God just created us both. That was pretty intelligent, unique, interesting...and so strangely different we are...it's not something you can easily look and tell...pretty sneaky of His creation. From normal eyes we look the same, well ofc with physical differences, but more or less the same. But "humans" is a broad term, we were divided into male & female, child & adult (lol iunno), but we sure have different ways of seeing things at those different points in time. Darn, I confuse myself.

Women (REAL women, no offense hopefully):

- have different struggles than us

- have different interests than us

- thinks differently from us

- Emotionally different from us

- Talks differently from us

- Something we can't just understand (even in they tell us, i say you truly understand someone, only if you ARE them...or you can, be in their place somehow. Words can never describe everything.)

haha, forgive my mo liu's

Teachers, Leaders & kids

I feel like such a bad leader. Arghh, what kind of example do I set. How can a leader possess these traits. I'm not talking about the same stuff as before.

I really do set a horrible example to look up to. The little kids, aren't the ONLY ones looking up to me. But the bigger kids (highschool, teens, I only call them kids because I'll be, and am a teacher to them)...they're important too. They will look at me as a mentor, and I have already been given the name of a 'counsellor', someone to learn from and follow after. I can't continue to act immature, as I please to be. This is a role...a responsibility now.

James 3:

¹Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ²We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

Man, and clearly, i JUST did a Bible study on this. Do I just...not soak it in?

And also...

¹³Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. ¹⁵Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. ¹⁶For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

¹⁷But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.¹⁸Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

--//And now, and even before, I realized all these thoughts are presented, but never solved. hmm, even more thinking...and thinking...what do i do about it?

--//Oh yea, one thing about Kids are (more so, the little kids)...I don't know how to respond to them. Like, just the stuff that kids say...I don't know what to say back. I don't know what a GOOD response is lol. I DO want to get along with the kids...AND create an environment so they can benefit from it spiritually (which will involve consequences & punishment).

Haha's.

Haha, I taught my mother drums today. =P

--//Haha, then I jammed with her. =). Me guitar, Her drums.

Moses & Me.

Do you know who I feel like right now? I feel like Moses.

The main jist behind it is, he's a shy guy. I'm a shy guy. He didn't feel "capable". I don't feel "capable".

So the only part that's left is the trust part. The part where I trust in God and let Him lead me to be able to greater things. Greater things that I ever thought I would do.

But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

¹² And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain."

¹³ Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"

God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The LORD did not appear to you'?"

Response: Exodus 4:2-8 (God shows Moses miraculous signs to give to israelites to prove that the LORD had appeared to him)

Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

I've just outlined all Moses' doubts (in torquoise...or baby blue?)...and they all seem to be my doubts, also.

Although i don't do things as significant as Moses, but i do feel this familiarity when I read this...

Prayer Request: Please pray for me again, that I gain strength...just like Moses did...and became a GREAT leader.

Night of Music

Today was a very inspiring, musically influencial night. Lol I wanna become a REAL musician.