Journal Entry: #10

I get really captivated by women very easily. Too easily. They are almost like a temptation in my life. And indeed, the act of thinking a certain way about women, a lustful way, is a tempting sin. But I don't want it to be because of that, that I don't...interact with women or anything lol. Just cuse I'm afraid of this. I mean, nothing is really wrong with them, it's me and my mind who makes something supposdely pure, into something that is utterly sin.

Like, I can have a great relationship, with friends of the opposite sex. Women/females are great people LOL (haha). But, I hate the fact that I can get trapped by what/who they are, and be powerless, kinda thing. I don't want my mind to let itself be controlled by beauty, or something.

When I have feelings for someone, I no longer know if the feelings are real or not. Is it just..."ho gum"? there is definitely something wrong, when you look at every girl, and say that "I like her". Just because you like "something" about her...and that has already captivated you. Know what I mean? Very few things be needed...to captivate me. If a girl is caring (which is a lot of girls)...or nice...or considerate, kind-hearted; that's all I'd need for my mind...to just be all over her. I dislike my vulnerability like so.

And on top of that, I have speech disorders (or that's just what I'm going to call it, even though it really isn't), it is very apparent, when I am trapped or captivated by some women or somethin. So at times, I'm not sure if I'm the only one that feels this way, cause I feel an extremity in my emotions compared to many others.

This is one of the many personal & honest things that I write...and perhaps now, have shared it to many people. I don't know what this has done, in sharing it, but this is really my journal of thoughts that I just keep. And if people read it, they read it.