Great things

I wish i had brothers and sisters that could love me...

Like, real ones...

Who say "I love you". It just seems like something great i would want.

--//Is it possible to like someone, and not "date". It is right? Just saying

To control one self...

My new goal as motivation is to train myself in: Self-control.

As humans, we lack control over worldly things...and, i guess, that is why we're human. So I want it to be my goal, my motivation, to be able to control myself...from stuff like:

i think the best way to sum it up is...to do what i know i should be doing, what is good, what is appropriate and right...instead of giving in to my body's physical wants.

This is just an illustration but, when you want to study for an exam., your body feels like it wants to relax, go on fb/mail/games/blogger (lol), sleep, eat, it's tired, do ANYTHING but study...

I want that strength and control, to maybe just fight that. Dangg, it's intense and hard!

But think about last generation (our parents). lol They had none of this?!? How'd they go through it? IT never crossed their mind! that's how. You can't be pulled away, or control yourself from something that doesn't exist. That's the whole solution/problem...but not like, we don't know that already. Whatever people say, I'd say we have it harder this generation...soo many distractions.

Fruit of the spirit is...Love, Joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and...SELF-control. I like that, particularly the last one.

I lack so much of it.

--//Another topic: As humans, i find that...no matter how hard we try to break the habit of "thinking bad bout people", there will be things you do NOT like. You can try to act like, you "like" and are "loving" to everything, but i guess, just face it; We're human. We're gonna have "hating" thoughts once in a while. You might not want to, but you will. That's what i believe.

Cause i tried it before. I start the day, going out, telling myself im going to be "all loving today". And that nothing can stop me from loving. I walk out...someone doesn't hold the door for me..."thanks, jerkface". In the middle of walking to school...see somebody i know...I try to meet eye contact with them, they rather pretend they don't know me and avoid that..."Who do you think u are...punk" lol iunno, something like that. And when i see that some people don't care about anything but themselves, i have an image of "annoyance, hating, dislikeness" in my head towards them. And a lot more, those were pretty poor examples i'd say. I just really can't help it, sometimes it feels like i can't control what my mind thinks. It's on its own, it has its own instinct. Like a separate part of my will.

Sure, your actions may not always show it, but i almost guarantee you'll think it.

Romans 7:15-20

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^{c]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[c]} For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

so..."Are you religious"?

So "me" and "person A" are talking:

Person A: Are you religious?

Me: yea

Person: which...

Me: Christian

etc...

("Person B" comes and sits with us)

Person A: [to "person B"] Are you religious?

Person B: **** no, i don't have time for that ****, so busy with stuff

Me: Like what?

Person B: like science

Me: oh, what are you taking? (was nervous, so tried to change the topic)

Person B: Nuclear Science

Me: Oh, i also take science...Life science

Person B: If someone believes in science, and says they're religious also, must have their facts messed up.

Me: Well...a lot of people think that...but actually...uh u no what, im not really one to discuss that (not cuse i didn't have the knowledge exactly to discuss it, but i doubted myself, wasn't confident).

Person B: ...

Conan: ...

(the dots are just to represent i don't really remember what we talked about after)

But i do remember the thought, that "wow, this person really HATES religion, maybe i shouldn't talk about it or bring it up too much, so that it doesn't kill our friendship"). It was almost like hesitating to spread the message just so a newly made friendship wouldn't be in jeopardy.

--//talk about your troubles, "alone", and how you dealt with it.

Share your faith, walk the faith

When it comes to sharing, it's really not that hard to when you know people will not judge you at all. But at the same time, sharing can be so easy, but taking action is really the next step. And it's hard.

--//Yesterday, Chris Chan and Gabrielle Chan shared their testimony. It was 5 hours (according to Gabby). It was insane. God's miracle worked right there. There was no plan, but God always has one.

I am nervous

ok, summer 2010 is coming up fast, and I'm really scared/afraid/nervous.

I am now a counselor for all the children ministry programs during the summer, and my job includes: teaching, planning, counselling, and presenting (like how heidi, tim, and all those people used to present in CM leadership camp).

I'm no leader...

I still need to work on my communication & leadership skills. I still have to learn how to talk. I still need to not studder when i talk.

I've tried everything to improve on it. This will definitely be a good learning experience (that's what Pastor Chiu told me, and the reason he accepted me). May God work through me. May readers also pray for me.

Self-control

I'm lacking...SELF-CONTROL.

I always thought that was the most difficult fruit of the spirit for me to possess.

Baptism - Easter

I'm just going to go straight to what i want to say:

during baptism yesterday, T.L, A.C, A.K, A.T, H.M,E.Y had gotten baptized. But the testimony i want to focus on was T.L's. Every single thing He said related to me. I mean, that could have been me up there, except 'sucking at talking' more, and not being able to express myself as fully as He did. Cuse all he did, was he said everything that was significantly important in his heart that affected his testimony and baptismal today (or at least tried to). I would totally say all that, if i rmbed, i mean, all that stuff happened in my life also. But all i could probably do is go "oh yea, that totally happened in my life too".

The closest point T.L. said that really related to me was the whole "why he didn't get baptized yet" until He was 23 during present day. The testimony He gave really inspiried me, letting me know in a way, i guess that, im not the only one. Well, I haven't been baptized. But i've been thinking about it.

But here would be some of the things that are stopping me (thoughts):

- I hate, and suck at speaking to one person, let alone public speaking.

- Why get baptized, when you don't "need" to in order to go to heaven. Lol, like Tim Lee said, "I'm gonna be one of the first christian to accept Jesus Christ and go to heaven without getting baptized".

- My dad, really, really, really wants me to get baptized in the chinese side...it's like a asian parents pride thing. But i already fully know that baptism, chinese church, english church, youth congregation or senior congregation, it doesn't matter. It's not very complicated lol. Baptism is just to declare your faith by dying with Him (in the water) and resurrecting with Him (out of the water). But i think my dad has too much pride in him, even over his son.

- a lot of the times, i don't "feel" God's prescence.

- a lot of the times, i don't actually feel "God's love" around us. I look at us 'bros & sis in Christ' sometimes, and i go..."really??".

- I feel that as christians, we're such hypocrites (and yes, everybody's a hypocrite, we discussed this some time before). There are not much genuine caring people out there, to really put it.

- Even as a 'christian', looking ourselves, i feel bearing this name has no meaning, cuse we're really no different at all. We say wanna be "different" all the time, to "live" out God's word. So why doesn't it happen? at least i see so little of it, which leads to my doubt in God, that He is working, and exists. But ofc, i was told that We ourselves have to pull that half of the effort, and let God work through us, but i really dunno...

- And i haven't gotten baptized because i don't understand "why" I need to do it. What exact purpose do i need to do so. "Does it make me a better person, change me new? or get me to heaven?" no. Why can't i love God in secret (like tim lee said).

So Every baptismal opportunity I've had so far, I've pushed it away. Just like, what Tim Lee said, just stalling and stalling and stalling....

I think i need some help with the decision that I'm going to make...

When i get baptized, it may be now, when im 23, when im a senior, or never...

And that's what was going through my head, during testimonies yesterday.

--//oh, and just want to add on, again something that Tim Lee said in his testimony:

Mom: "So if you were to die and go to the gates of heaven right now, and God asked you what you did to deserve to go in, what would you say?"

Tim: "I wish i wouldn't have to say anything; that God could just look into my life and go 'well done, good & faithful servant"

And that WOULD make sense i guess, i don't think God would need to ask you any questions. I think the questions is just really more of a, 'guideline' for you to ensure yourself really. According to scripture, God is just going to look into the Book of life, and determine who lives with Him eternally or not.