Your Glory be my motivation.

I don't feel motivated too well. Sometimes I feel like such a bad testimony for the people around me, cuse I'm not doing so well in school.

The only thing I keep reminding myself (and reminded of by others) about is 'do everything in God's Glory', it's all God, this stuff I'm studying...it's His creation, what He's done. Awesomeness. Amazingness. So in everything, do it to glorify God. But I often lose it a lot...it's very hard...i'm struggling...

I have no goal, like med school or anything...I don't know where I'm going...with this...after this...

God Making Sense.

If God makes total perfect sense to us...then He isn't God. What God is, is He's supernatural, beyond natural. We humans, may only see natural (or may see more than natural). And so trying to make sense of God in our brains...just defeats the whole point, of Who God is. I think.

Feeling down Low.

My self-esteem is so low right now...

I can be comfortable at times...and not be comfortable at times.

Like, these people are my sisters (and brothers)...and i act so weird, like they aren't so much like my sisters. Because if they were my sisters, i'd be really natural and comfortable. I don't like this. I want to be comfortable like everyone else. No ONE is like this...that's why I think I'm weird, just only in this aspect though...

I think I'm still afraid of being judged. Judged by man (and woman) that is. Not by God. That's the whole problem, I think.

The whole judging thing...if there were no judging in this world...there'd be no self-consciousness. And there would be no problem, my problem. But then it comes back to our reliance...on who...

Christians v.s. Catholics

If Catholics prayed to their God...would it the same God as christians? And would they be answered? Does God hear their prayers?

Can it be paralleled to the muslim God (Allah), which being...not the same.

Because I figured if the core values/doctrine of catholic is different from being christian (mainly, that of salvation. One is though works, the other is through faith & grace), then would the God be the same? Would we be worshiping the same God? Hence, would prayer be heard from the same God? Or, there is only one God...

When one part of it changes...it is no longer whole and complete, if there are differences at all, I mean...it's the word of God. Imagine, if little things could be changed in there..what does that make it...

My intial answer/thought would be "no", but i just want to confirm...

Can you love something/someone that you don't know about.

Are we called to love everyone? If there was a stranger, could we just love him/her? Not knowing someone makes it hard...for us just to naturally love them. Because to define love, don't you need to KNOW what you are loving, in order so that you can love it. You can't love something/someone that you don't know.

"....Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35

...that includes everyone right? in this world I'd think...

Like, we always take the side of the people we know...we help our "friends", our "neighbors"...but who is to be called our "neighbors" and our "friends"? What about our enemies...let alone strangers. Why do we insist on judging people and "Hating" on them, when we don't even know them yet. Definitely, it is something we can work on. But just a thought...

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..."

Matthew 5:44

Not like, we don't know this already...I'm just raising the fact, that it's always there, and that people know it's there, but may not be aware at the same time. We are a quick judging race...mann, once we see something we don't like, we form our own concepts of everything whole based on that.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged"

Matthew 7:1

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

Matthew 7:3

Enh..that's the end of it...

As christians, I don't think we ask enough questions...

At least, we don't express them...exactly the questions on our minds, of why we believe...

Justice.

If there are people pre-destined to go to hell...how is that just? I don't understand. when God sets apart people to go to hell, how is that just?

The only answer I can think of someone giving is: He's God. He can do whatever.

How do I explain to a non-christian: "Why people need the Lord?"

Someone who does not think they are a sinner...someone who does not imagine/feel like that need the Lord...someone who feels like their life is perfect.

Human Anger.

I lost it today...I just lost it. I lost self-control; I am easily angered. It was not a good testimony (in front of many people). I gave in to my anger...my physical/emotional discontentment...and I need to apologize to some people who saw that. I did flip out...cuse I don't think I did well on that test.

I can't go telling people one thing...and do another...those people are called "Hypocrites".

I always fail to rely on You Lord...you've always brought me through...why can't I remember that You can...

Now, one more midterm tomorrow...let's try again..

Har

I need affection, it's true. Every human needs it. True say Kevin, true say.

Revitalization, awakeness, need sleep.

Red Bull does not help...

--// It's true, life goes by so much faster when you're older.

Again, When your a child, you can't wait to be old (and time goes so slow). When you're an elder...you think about how much longer you have to live on this earth (and time flies). [An elder actually told me that. By elder, middle-aged.]

A letter from a Love.

So, today, I got to practice my staff form from martial arts...that I haven't taken in 7 years. Mann, I still got it...some of it. Some moves, I was too scared to do. But...it was COLD outside man. I better not get a cold for the next few days...I have midterms to study for.

--//Just a thought: I wish opening up the Bible would be just as exciting (or even more) as opening a letter from my girlfriend...if i ever HAD a girlfriend! lol, but just someone you really liked perhaps, or had a crush on or something. That excitement...I can say I've experienced at least.

Understanding...

you know who understands you when nobody else does? God does.

Also, He created us each special in our own ways. We are part of God's plan. And we ARE God's plan.

Salvation.

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

Romans 10:9

This happens very often...

I'm REALLY happy when I see someone, and then all of a sudden, at the same time, I'm scared (once i see them). Because it is the fact that I am so happy...that I don't know what to say to them; to express my happiness properly that...I almost get kinda nervous, and then say something...weird, and awkward...and very unnatural. Almost seems fake (perhaps it is).

The more I love someone, and really appreciate them, and think of them as a sister/bro in Christ...the more I tend to give this 'weird' vibe...that makes/turns the situation so that...it looks like, I don't want to be with them. Or have a relationship. Or be their friend or something.

For example, when I really want to show how much someone means to me...and I see them...very often, I don't know what to say. I fall silent...(that could mean many things to someone...depending how they take it. 1) I'm ignoring them, 2) they just...understand, somehow.)

It's a psychological, over-analyzo kinda thing. I don't know why I do that. But, it apparently I think, only applies to me. Normal people would probably react naturally and express naturally in how they feel. Iunno. And this disappoints me time and time again...when I don't show someone how much I appreciate them...when I do. And i usually want that person to know that...as encouragement, to keep it up.

A very bothersome, frustrating thought that always gets to me is...me not using the potential I have. The potential God has given me.

I am capable of speaking confidently. But I almost choose to studder. (you're probably reading this and going whoa WHAT. "'choosing' to studder? that's wack!"...but I know I'm capable of being confident, because I have spoken confidently, why can't I just do it. Just do it.) It's because I knmow I am "not capable" of speaking confidently, and so that possibility becomes a reality. Yea, I sound complicated, or maybe not, but it seems like I make it so big...lol.

Lord, once again, I ask for confidence, and may I use it to glorify Your name. Amen.

--//Addition: The whole point of this blog...is that I want to be able to build relationships better with people. Get closer to them. truly, develop something long term with them...where I can really be able to KNOW someone. I seem to struggle with that, conecpet, ability, or skill. I struggle with just getting to...know someone. I don't think I really know how to.

Pulse - #15

- I am so weak. I conform so easily. I just want to be accepted...so bad (I am almost 'addicted' to it, and I do not know why this drive is so big, it has become a drug that I need, something I must have over anything else, something that clearly distracts me from my focus at hand). I can't even get myself to speak my heart out, afraid that I would offend anyone with one very word that I would say. I'm not one of those people who like to make enemies (that's saying the least), but in doing what I do, that is exactly what happens (it happens the way exactly I don't want it to happen). I do what I do not want to do, and I do not do what I want to do (that is SO not taken from anywhere). I try my best not to do it, because I actually think it's disgusting when people do it (that's right, i said disgusting', that was the word I had at the moment). It kinda gets on my nerves when people try so hard to be accepted (scared to say wrong things, always saying 'good', 'right' things to people so you'd never get any trouble, flatter), so I don't really want to be one of those people. But, yet I am so often, which I hate.

- The words just never come out of my mouth right; that's 'ok' at times...but not so 'ok' when I need them to...

- And I noticed...I can't look people in the eye when I talk. Why is that? I tend to look away...

Speculation: I think I'm scared of people...or humans...like I'm socially scared of other humans. Doesn't really matter who you are...

- The more I try to build a relationship with someone, the more it falls apart...it's like my efforts are rebound (in a negative direction).

- I haven't been spending time and developing my relationship with some ONE enough...and I need prayer for that. because...

"when everything falls apart

your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on"

Lord I need you to hold me together.

A Major Distraction. A Loss of Focus.

If people in this world...were out of the equation...my life would be affected drastically...my distractions, and my needs/interactions....

Good (positives): People can keep each other accountable, and keep each other company...without them, I wouldn't have that.

Bad (negatives): I'd end up "putting a show" in front of people.

Today, I tried walking down the hall of the school, pretending that people did not exist, that the people walking beside me weren't there. It felt so different. It changed the way I thought 'during that moment'...I had no worries...did not care how I was...how I would be looked at.

I felt really natural and free of the way I acted...

'People' are such ultimate distractions, cuse when there's people, we develop a self-consciousness of ourselves. Also, we have pride...in front of others.

Question: Can we have pride, if there were no other people around. If there were no humans on this earth except for yourself. That may have erased a lot of other things with it...but there would be nothing to be prideful to/over/with right?

If I had to make something go away, I would make "my consciousness of needing to be accepted" go away.

This earth dudee....

Beauty on earth can really fade away man...

We can look beautiful for a while...then we'd get old, and...yea. Man, how temporary of the stuff of this world is.

I mean, I'll be 'hot'...for about a few more years, until I'm middle aged maybe. I KID, I Jookee.

Point being, nothing lasts in this life; while we are still here, in this world, in this universe.

Such earthly beauty and treasures we get caught up in...when in the end, it don't even matter.

"Wonderful, so wonderful

Is Your unfailing love
Your cross has spoken mercy over me
No eye has seen, no ear has heard
No heart could fully know
How glorious, how beautiful you are!

Beautiful One I love You
Beautiful One I adore
Beautiful One my soul must sing

Powerful, so powerful
Your glory fills the skies
Your mighty works displayed for all to see
The beauty of Your majesty
Awakes my heart to sing
How marvellous, how wonderful You are

You opened my eyes to Your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on earth is as beautiful as You"

If we love the things of this earth sooo much...what about its creator??

Advice from Parents.

Mom: I forbid you from looking at pretty girls...

Dad: Take your time with marriage...let the girl find you, don't go looking for one.

--//P.S. I dreamt that I transfered from UOIT...it was kinda sad.

Love those who you Hate. How easy IS it really...

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.³⁹ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. ⁴⁰ And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. ⁴¹ If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. ⁴² Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

Matthew 5:38-42

For me personally, I don't find it TOO hard to love my enemies...only cuse in the end, I feel better about it anyways. Why not forgive someone, when it all comes out for the better? In fact, when I do not forgive someone, when I hold a grudge against someone...it kinda doesn't feel that great. I wouldn't feel great; the person with the grudge I have against wouldn't feel that great.

But I know, there is always another part or aspect of you...that just can't let go, that does not satisfy or make you feel good...that they are going to be let off the hook for doing such wrong to you.

But in the end, why do we forgive? because Christ forgave us. Why do we love? because Christ loved us. If we do not love, and if we do not forgive...how are we like Christ? we are not.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love"

1 John 4:8

My struggle is always forgiving with the right intentions and motivations. Most of the time, i just do it for the FEEL GOOD of it. Or perhaps make the other person feel good about it, and then have them think diff (in a good way) of me, and eventually for other people to notice my difference...amongst other people.

but here is a VERY...important...cut difference between your actions. Are we doing it, because Christ does it, and we wanna be like Him (Kevin: how DARE we not love another [the least you can do] when we see Christ's full love for us). OR...are we doing it...NOT because of CHRIST. How could love/forgiveness NOT be because of Christ? When simply, it's not because of Christ lol...when you're not thinking "I'm doing this because of Christ"...that "Christ did all this for me, poured out all his love for me, so I should do the same to others". Which sadly isn't most of the time how I feel it seems. Like I mentioned in connect group, I always feel a benefit when I do these things, it's like a show for other people almost, that "I" am so great. "I"..."Me"....(you see the difference, not God). "I" have the power to forgive, so I AM SO GREAT. I glorify myself. you, see just from looking at that, I just see such a huge problem with just a glance. That's a clear cut glory to "yourself" and not God. This just leaves me.. dumbfounded (probably wrong word, whatever).

The mindset def it's powerful and important...right?

I struggle with this difference (between God's glory, and my glory) a lot. Maybe I just over-analyze this a bit too much. I don't know if I made any or too much sense here in this blog lol.

Like, the clear difference: One way to 'love' is for Christ, and with Christ in mind...the other way to 'love' is through your own feelings...your own power.

Dear God,

please humble myself and break me down for the human I am...

Amen.

Love for Enemies

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48

Oh yea, and is there REALLY such thing as unselfish love?

People tell me all love is selfish....

But some people also tell me...there is such thing as Unselfish love or "true love".

My question was, I thought that no one on this earth had unconditional love except for God. And...isn't 'unconditional love' kinda similar or the same as "unselfish love"? Can we have unselfish love, and not unconditional love? Because unconditional love consists of...you not having any conditions or benefits in return to your "self", which doesn't that translate to NOT being "selfish". But if they're the same, and God can only have unconditional love, then what does this mean?? can we still have unselfish love? I am sorry I just hafta...dig deep like this. And I'm told I over-analyze a lot..but you know..that's my tendency..sorry guys.

I actually don't like it that much when people ask questions like thsi, but I'm asking it asking it myself...it's cuse I usually don't know how to answer it, and people just keep askin.

You Alone.

I pray that Keegan and Roman will continue to find answers Lord. And eventually, they’ll find you. Their questions were probably every man’s question, but the only answer is in You Lord. You alone, can answer them.