I don't know...I just can't be close to non-christian people. I know a lot of people that are, but that's just me though. Cuse what i define by "close", is when you can share everything with them...and half of my (most of them) school friends, don't know me at all i would say. I share nothing with them, that i would share, maybe to a brother and sister in Christ. Therefore, giving me a more comfortable and easier feeling around christians.

If you know me, i think im a pretty "open" guy...generally speaking. I open myself up...as much as i am able to. Usually, the fact is, I try to share as much as i can, because in a way, it makes me feel better to bring things up, get things off my chest, and present it to other brothers and sis' in Christ (+ Christ ofc). And sharing in general, i think, is a 'component' of fellowship. If you don't share...how do you grow together, and learn about each other, and support each other & accountability. When you share, i believe that you get closer. And when one person does it...it tends to make other people wanna share too. It's like breaking the ice. Whether it be, starting an "idea" or just breaking the comfortability zone.

--//and the funny problem for me is, i wish i could share 'everything' inside my heart. I mean, i wish i had more to share! I wish every thing that i wanted to get out, out there in front of brothers & in front of God...could get out there! But the thing is, i can't most of the time, because i don't REMEMBER. How i know, that i really DO have stuff to share that i don't, is when someone else shares, i reminds me of something i could, or could HAVE shared. So, the point is, i LOve sharing, i want to share, but am i capable/able to share everything that i want to. Lol, funny enough, that's my problem. Cuse it's like, knowing you have a problem, but you can't think of what the problem is at the moment.

--//To be honest, im usually portrayed as a clueless guy...that "usually" doesn't know what im doing. And that might be true, lol i don't know what im doing sometimes. But i would say it's more due to nervousness, than the fact itself. It just overcomes me...that i wouldn't be thinking about the task at hand.

--//oh today, i had an opportunity to discuss with my roomate about christianity. Technically, it was more like a heated discussion about Catholism and christianity. But i enjoyed it still...and thought i was blessed to have that convo. It ended up...sorta, me explaining to him more about what christianity was all about. Cuse he seemed to show interest, and...i had more to talk about. Like, im glad & thankful that God was with me at the time, during the convo, cuse he put the words in my mouth to say. Everything i said, sounded right. This time, i didn't force anything upon anyone, i wasn't called "aggressive" (in a religious sense), he didn't shake his head in confusion. But he nodded in understanding. This was the first time, I have NOT confused someone. omgoodness, it even says here..."I used to be the most confusing person".










Like, even when i talked about the Bible, i tended to confuse people. But this time, i didn't...so i am thankful. I even felt comfortable enough to invite him to fellowship, because of such a great talk...i was finally able to lead into the topic of bringing him to fellowship. God is amazingly, goooodd.

So like, why do people suffer in this world?

So, why do people suffer in this world? with an all-powerful & good God.

sounds like a really easy question to ask, but people ask it all the time

Answer: Due to the fall of man.

The question is not why WE are suffering, cuse we were suppose to in the first place. But why did GOD suffer....for us. That's a better question to ask. And we should know the answer to that.

In the beginning, the world was perfect. Perfect, as in physical, mentally, emotionally...

It was good (implying, no evil).

But ever since sin came into the world, the world is NOT perfect anymore. There WILL be suffering God said. We WILL die, God said. Many natural disasters come upon us till this day. It is not a cause of God, but the cause of the "fall of man". Earthquakes, tsunami's, hurricanes, tornadoes, terrorists, abductions, murders, wars...we did this, we were born within the "fall of man"...you see, if we were back with Adam and Eve (i don't even know if we would've even existed), there would be "goodness", no suffering, because ...God made it good. perfect.

We....should not be complaining about our suffering, altho it's the first thing that we do. But ask why God suffered for us. This suffering, we deserve it! But God...through the midst of all this, suffered for us. yea..

People in Haiti, He cries out and weeps for them...cuse they're His precious children.

I just recently learned that the death toll for Haiti, is 150 000 people.

And suffering...around the world, is...un-...can't even find a word to describe it, to describe even how many people are suffering, like actual "suffering" compared to us (altho we experience a different type of suffering) is over 1 million in a city.

--//it's the people who are broken, and suffer...that have such a greater chance with a relationship with God. It is by far, compared to the rich people who live in million dollar houses.

oh yea, you know how...satan, once one of God's highest angels, decided to one day over-take God's throne. Like, this horrible thought just popped into my mind.

I always wondered how, in such a perfect, sinless place like heaven, Satan, could possibly imagine of doing such a thing. I mean, where did that SIN even come from...that jealousy...i don't get it. How can 'something'...come out of 'nowhere', when it was never 'anywhere'. Something=sin, anywhere=Holy-ness, Righteousness, God's light, not sin.

It also made me sorta wonder...that when WE got to heaven, could we end up doing the same thing? A place where there are no tears, and no sin. Would it be possible that someone would follow in Satan's footseps, i hope not. So far, there hasn't rite...

Sometimes, i feel like im askin so many questions that im starting to feel like im challenging the Bible. Is this right? I don't know where all these questions are coming from..

1) first, how'd sin originate.
2) As children of God, could we still fall away, even in a sinless heaven.

i believe...some people can be born a jerk. If that were true, I would feel sorry for those people because it's unfair. You're born that way, i mean, it's genetics. This has nothing to do, with what God's done, cuse we've been made perfect in the first place. until...u no what. But since when was this world fair...just cuse God exists, and loves us...doesn't mean that the world is going to go smooth and perfect. I mean, it WAS that wayy...for a while, was it not? And it does say, that God chooses His people, we are not the one to choose. He's God, cmon.

But, this was just a thought that ran across my ahead, very, so randomly....

it's just the same as being born in different parts of the country, that ain't fair either.

But we do know already, that He loves us. And He has shown that. Maybe He'll have an explanation for all this other stuff, when we get to ask Him someday..

--//oh yea, to add to before (too lazy to look back where)..."but people can change" yes? yea, they can...probably your habits, and maybe your behavior...but you'll still be you...ppl will always rmb you the way for who u are.

Like God created every body differently, there's always something that defines you...right? Some defining feature..

Dang, i think i just went off tangent there...

--//Ex. I'm a really self-concious person...and i always will be a self-conscious person...no matter what. Because i still am. My parents are (at least one of them). I asked them bout it...as i was trying to "investigate"...this problem of mine.

This...may...be a little confusing...well, u no who's blog you're reading from..

So I had this random discussion with…a friend of a friend of mine…fine, His name is Chris; but it was about how no one loves, because they "love". When someone loves, it’s always because they want something back in return, even if you don’t even realize it directly. Examples, I love you, so you can love me.

BUT, on a different scenario/possibility, is what if someone loves you FIRST. I know, as humans, we probably feel like, "When someone loves us, I can't help but love him/her back." It's just IN us, to love people back after they loved us.
BUT again, I’ve always thought of this possiblility that maybe, we don’t love people, because they loved us first. Could it be possible? I don’t know if I believe it or not. But maybe, deep down, it’s because we want them to keep on loving us, so therefore, we love back.

And God…just loved us.

“And We love God back, because He loved us.”…Supposedly.

I’m not saying this is true, but could it be possible, that we only love because we want God to still love us. Say, if we knew He would stop loving us…would we still love Him? Like ofc, this doesn’t make a lot of sense, cuse how is that love, when you love at times, and you do not at other times. But I just wanted to illustrate an example. But I’m trying to just express a point of what human nature could be like?…sorta thing. Do we love, only because…we want to make sure, in the future we are still loved? OR…do we love (in return), because we are loved. That is all.

1) We love for…
2) We love back

--//Basically, love is always conditional for us humans. But there’s only One that does Not apply on…and that is...the one and only...God.

Something very annoying I get very annoyed of…is hypocrites, or fakes, or people who deceive people to think they are something that they are not, or they are not something that they are (which is everyone in this world…).

Ex. The first time I meet this person…I think they’re very nice, and possibly even a Christian like me. The point is, I find so much joy, that I’ve found someone like him or her…because it’s something I thought I'd rarely find…in just, an environment like this. And you know…when this Joy, “breaks apart”…I get…so pissed. And SO down. Mmm I guess I am expressing a true experience tht maybe I went through but yea. I’m feelin very expressive rite now.

Also, "users"- u make friends, not to become their friends, but to take advantage of them. dislike those ppl.

But I couldn’t go around “hat-ing” on these people, because I myself am one…and who could I be, to judge others. We ARE imperfect, and GOD is fully rightful to judge all of us. But He doesn’t…He chooses to forgive. Ofc, im talking about any sin in general being forgiven. And, we’re His children still.

I wish...

i wish i could make a living, from makin songs for people. I wouldn't mind it at all...in fact, That'd be the best job, in the world for me, if it was possible.

Sweet...im lookin into the distant future...which, i don't really see much actually. Just fantasizing.

Hope this doesn't sound....too homo.

ok, i have been doing a self-study...a.k.a. a study on myself, it's like im so intrigued and interested about myself (sellff-consciouss personnnnnn). Actually, i have been doin it for a while, as in...i've been noticing myself...ever since..some time ago.



There's this thought in my head called "WHat if, i can't..."

But if "what if, i can't..." didn't exist, then there would be no knowledge what i can't, but only "what i can...".

but the fact that "what if, i can't..." is still there, in existence, there will be...an "I can't".

So even if u wish "u can"...there will always be room for "u can't". Because it exists. Your mind is curious, and plays tricks on you, sometimes. Even tho a part of your mind wants one, another part wants another. I believe there are different parts...of the mind. well, that's wut i think.

--//this kinda reminded me about...how there is only "light" in this world, because of God. And, there is really no such thing as darkness. But darkness, is really just "without light". Since it is just a word used to describe "no light". Cuse God IS the light of the world...and where there is no light, it is dark. "Darkness" does not exist, but only the absence of light...does.

I think about wording a sentence, and then i lose how i would write that sentence..because im too caught up in wording...one of my syndromes. one symptom of my attnetion disorder. Also, i end up becoming repetitive...

--// syndrome prt 2:

- If i can be like this sometimes...why can't i be like this "all the time". Vice versa.

- When another thought called "what im saying...it's stupid, ppl won't understand what im saying, people won't like it"; convo gets awkward and fails...

Mental note:

There are somethings...that u don't necessarily hafta to do. In other words, it's UNneccesary.

Don't think about what the other person may be thinking about the situation/or about you. But focus only on your intentions. Focusing on both at once...tends to distract you, or give you less courage/confidence to carry a task out.

--//i think i have this disorder. It's close to a attention disorder.

But i believe, it's at random times, where i start noticing things particularly, specifically, uneccesarily well/excesssively.

It's like a twitch, a trigger, that sets that behavior off.

E.g. When im focusing on a task, or having a nice conversation with someone it can go bad...because all of a sudden, i start paying attention to it. I pay so much attention to it, that i no longer know what im doing anymore, because there's this time of "nervousness" that overcomes me. Like, i almost freeze/stop in my tracks. And at the moment, i feel like my time in unproductive...

Today, I learned...

-When in doubt, read the Bible (if it's not clear, i mean that when we you doubt that God even exists...turn to the Bible. It's amazing, what He reveals to you.) Many people who try to disprove the Bible end up, finding God...in the End. Cuse they really "look" in to it, and openly study it with a passion. It's miraculous when God chooses to open up to people.

That's why i realized that the less I read God's word, the more doubts I had about Him. Because I believe the reason is, that each day, im being influenced by the world more and moree...and if i don't keep up with God, then eventually, there won't be much left...of that relationship, that brings me closer to Him (a.k.a. believing Him, which may relate to me having doubts about Him).

- Another topic was, "Why don't non-christians usually NOT have the urge to submit to God"

My thoughts/explanations were:
- People don't like the feeling of being "controlled" (There's a word people use to describe it, but it's not very...appropriate, well it starts with a "b"). THEY wanna be in control, obviously (they have a word to describe it, but it's not nice). It feels like, there's no freedom, there are restrictions and boundaries. But what they do NOT know, is that real freedom is found through Christ. Mhmmm.
-

Why were we created?!?

People are always asking, Why did God even CREATE us in the first place??

So we could worship Him. There's really no better answer.

Made to Worship

You and I were made to worship,
You and I were called to love,
You and I are forgiven and free.
You and I embrace surrender,
You and I choose to believe,
You and I will see, who we were meant to be.

(just really reminded me of that song...)

ONE with God...

Hate what God hates, love what God loves...

What DOES God love,

There's ONLY ONE way, to find out.

turnin, to the B-I-B-L-E He wrote. Like, i don't even know how to stress how important that is. You really won't ever understand...until you read it; really, just "study" it. You will find...so much more...that you could ever imagine.

Christians have "Joy" in their heart. They're not always happy, but they have "Joy".

"Joy" that only one could give.

i wish the fact that when "we are silent around people, or don't talk to people"...people don't take it as we hate them or anything, or that we have a problem with them. I wish they could also think of the possibilty...e.g., that we're nervous around them.

Self-note.

now, i know what they mean by the "mind is a powerful thing", it totally screws me over. Or...screws with me.

there are parts of the "mind", that i really hate. Some times, i think it very unnecessary to work like it does.

Plz plz plz

Dear heavenly Father,

I pray for Adrian Ma and his family, umm that you just be over them from day to day. Well, not gonna go anemore...but God knows. so yea.

And whoever reads this, i hope you can pray for him and his family too.

always wish there's something i can do...but "wishing"'s usually bout it.

By the time, i turn on my computer, and sign in to my blog, i forget what i wanted to say. Usually.

I, am someone you could say, that really has short term memory.

yo, talking to people calms me down a lot more..

I think that's the solution. My solution at least...

i needa communicate with people...that's what keeps me alive. And i always know there's someone listening at least.

y am i such a hater...

y am i just not satisfied...


wut is this depression i feel...

y do i sound so annoying, looking back at what i say, write, and do, pisses me off.

i know you're attacking me, so stop it right now.

Why am i so easily lonely...

also, why am i so easily disappointed...

--// I'm not friggin scared of you...

I've had so much time on my hands lately...that i've just..started composing. Like almost every day.