I choose...we all choose...

I desire that "closeness" with people. I really do, I'd give anything to become close.

My definition of closeness, will have to be defined by my definition of comfortability. And i am not very comfortable. =P I am below average. A bit lower than average actually.

Oh i found it! being comfortable for me, is being able to say "whatever i want, in front of someone" and "not really giving a crap what ppl think, doesn't matter if i offend them or what not, because they'll understand". Most situations for people, it depends on the person you're talking to. But in my situation, I just need to work on MY ability to be comfortable. Like the difference, is "me". I am the one to decide whether to be comfortable or not, not so much about the other person.

So the cause and the affector is all dependent on me, what my body/mind chooses to behave at that time. Weird eh. Just gotta train my body to be "natural" like the average human. Not saying im not normal and have a problem, because i don't believe God's made me with a problem. I just want to express the way, God has truly made me, instead of acting out stuff, u no wut i mean?

Like whenever i try to explain my problem to people, people understand it as "I'm trying to be somebody...somebody else other than me". But no, that "somebody else" I'm tryina be, is ME, get it? I'm facing a problem where i CAN't be myself lol, i can't be that "somebody" which is the way that God created me (as in characteristically/personality-wise). So, I'm striving to be that person. I have enough confidence that, I'm capable of being someone interesting, confident, and funny. So yea, i just over-think it a lot, that's it. I'm trying to improve and change that, so i tell and share it sometimes.

U no, i thought of a song right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gFCW3PHBws

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

That's it, about myself. But the reason I'm talking about this, so centered about this, is because so that i could freely express myself more. I wish to share exactly what's on my mind in the open more. Contribute to a group, society, etc. lol iunno. Play a part. So i can learn from people, and people can learn from me. So that there's nothing left unsaid on my heart and mind. And sometimes in a way, it is satisfying. Cuse having something in your mind, and not saying it, is the worse terrible feeling ever. Even your heart hurts.

What's so bad about swearing, where does it say...

I never really understood what was so bad about swearing (well, i did, it's just that it never really EXAClty stated in the Bible NOT to swear. Just says not to use God's name in vain).

But today, i found out what the f-word really meant.

As you all know, im sure you guys are familiar with what that word 'means' in this world when used in context, Or when ppl say it. Well, it's usually either when they're mad...or, basically, having sex.

The Bible didn't say it was wrong to "Swear" or use the "f-word", but it does say...that the body is God's temple.

And the f-word, is defined:

- to have sexual intercourse.
- to treat unfairly or harshly.
- to degrade body.
- stands for "fornication under consent of King". Which evolved from that...to the present, because it was in other words, permission from the king to do ANYTHING to someone such as rape.

Again.

I think I'm scared of "people".
But at the same time, I like bein around "people".

By being afraid of people, i mean i get un-normally nervous around a human. Because they cause me to start over-thinking, no matter who it is. It's the anticipation of not knowing what im going to say, or what will happen next, in this time with a person. This, im working on. (It's probably so annoying that i keep talkin bout the same things, the same problems, but...AGAin, this might be annoying (again), but i just speak my mind really). Again and again, i keep stressing to myself, "humans" aren't important, they don't even matter at all...compared to God that is.

But, i like having people around me, because anything is better than being alone. I always find joy, no matter what usually, if im with ppl (most people).

So i think i experience "joy" and "fear" at the same time.

It's true tho, i have "People-phobia".

--//I'ts true, when you find out ppl read your blog, it changes your whole motivation in blogging by a lot, for sure,

JESUS is HERE now.

We can Hasten God's coming, by spreading the gospel!

If Jesus came back, What would you be doing?

playing HON?
watching k-j-e-dramas/anime/soap operas/tv shows/movie...of whatever?
On facebook?
messaging people on msn?

...or maybe getting to know God more?

i mean, i guess none of this (previous) stuff is wrong. But what's "time" for? so you can use it, i guess (haha, sounds stupid and obvious). So, it's all you, what you use this "time" for...what's your desire to use this time for, WHAt is your desire? That'll be apparent, by the amount of time you spend on it.

I guess if you go on fb or msn a lot, then maybe you value friends? but sometimes, there are other purposes like homework and what not. But the many other times, where you're just bored and "think" you have nothing to do.

If you like to watch porn a lot, then you desire and value time with earthly created human bodies that God made (which wasn't for that purpose). The word im looking for is, lust, sex, i guess. That's what you choose to use your time for.

If you play computer/video games a lot, then your joy is in the amusement of earthly entertainment, that we have only made for ourselves. And i would say, it is for our pleasure. Altho, yes, people say we need relaxing time. But spending time with God could be relaxing? Well, basically, almost all the time now, we value these things, OUR enjoyment, our pleasure, over God.

You turn to these worldly made things, and really just replace your interest and "yearn" to become closer to God. To engage in His Word more.


either way, how would you like Him to see you like, when He comes back. How would you like to meet Him, and feel that you give glory to Him at the moment.

--//There was else i wanted to blog about. It relates to the "Return of Jesus Christ" but i can't seem to rmb, Maybe when i do, when i ever.

Engaging

feeling special. You would go so far, to make someone feel that way depending how huge your desire is to that person.

In connect group, there was an all-out sole topic just talking about "pornography". Girls and guy groups. I always thought pornography as a like a forbidden topic, that it was such a...uncommon thing to talk about in the open. That no one such as us christians would ever indulge in such thing. But humans, indulge in it, and we are humans. Being christian, does not mean, we don't struggle, obviously, and are...damned for good, if anyone ever found out. Like it always seem like too big of a sin to mention out there, that ppl would think of you as a sick, perverted person (which you would be, yes). But that's exactly what ppl did last night. They shared about it, i mean.

As christians, i guess we are ashamed to do such a thing (or we should be). In the outside world, it's a 'great' thing to do. The world at the moment, lives in such contrast to that of the 'holy' way of living, which is God.

so today, i had some fellow prayer time, bond time, discussion time, and fellowship time with my UOITmates. Hope to keep this up.

Sorry, im so obssessed...

I have a.d.d., I know i do. I've determined it after...well a LONG time ago, but yesterday i just experienced some more of it. While i study, i can't just sit and think about what i study. Once in a while, a thought that relaxes my mind comes in, but at the same time, that's how i never get anything done.

Also, i have short term memory, and short-term flow of ideas. What im tryina say is, i don't stay on one point for more than a few seconds. I change topics really fast, just because i can, and probably because there's always something stimnulating the next thought, and then the next. I forget what im tryina say, half way...through a sentence. It's like knowing totally what you are trying to do, and why you have to do it, it's like a goal that's set; but something goes wrong somewhere still. When you have an idea all structured in your head, how does that even go wrong? lol

"As long as you are putting your mind to use, or consciously thinking about something, it is not resting." Agree, or disagree?

This is because i had a discussion. The discussion was what counts as "resting" or "sleeping". When you lie on your bed, but you're still thinking thoughts that require brain-power, is that still considered sleeping/resting? Cuse through my experience, i think and think and think...on my bed (with my eyes closed, trying to sleep). But i am so friggin tired the next day.

I believe that "resting/sleeping" is mainly resting your 'mind'. If you're mind gets rest, then im sure most other things will. You're mind is what controls if you're tired or not right? So i think, if you're mind goes to sleep, you ARE sleeping. Otherwise, i think not.

Also, i don't think dreaming counts, if you count that is "thinking". Cuse i call it "unconsciously/subconsciously" thinking. Cuse that's what you do when you sleep, you dream! It's a requirement of sleeping.

But there is so much about the brain i don't get. I'm no "neu

Big day...Crap day?

So today, was my big midterm day (well, not that big, could be bigger, when it gets to "finals"), and i had a chem midterm at 8:00 am. I wake up at 8:30am. The exam lasts from 8:00am - 9:30am. So i got there around 8:40am, bout half the exam time.

And i was...PANIC-ing. I lost all composure. My mind...was messed up.

Most likely, i may have failed (hear that hint of positivity? lol), because i honestly i had no idea, what i was staring at or what i was doing during the exam. My homeostasis was messed up. Panic throws a person off...

But...BUT...u no what i really hafta to, Thank God, I didn't miss the whole exam, cuse usually when i sleep in...i sleep ALL the way in, and this time, it was only 30 min in to the exam. So, i am very thankful for that.

What's past is past though. I know eventually, probably even today, im going to forget about it already. Cuse there are GREATer things yet to come, and greater things are still to be done, and greater things to "worry" about over.

That is all i have, to say for now =P

--//Last night, i had trouble sleeping. I think it was due to a couple of things.

1) my roomate walked in once, or twice and i woke up.
2) My roomate stayed up pretty late, so a funny thing is, i thought it was morning when i suddenly woke up, when it was actually 2:00 am. After that, i couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't even feel tired anymore, to go back to sleep. I had literally felt like it was time to wake up, because my body felt "woken up", and i thought i slept (and dreamt) for a while already. What a weird feeling
2) Following that, I kept having to use the bathroom at certain intervals.

So that may explain, the reason for why what happened, happend. Due to my messed up sleeping schedule, before that.

My roomate is cool, btw.

--// what kinda kills me though, is that my parents asked if i could wake up at that time, and that they could give me a wakeup call if i wanted. And i told them i trusted my alarm clock pretty well.

You know what'd be nice...

If there was telepathy, that'd be nice, because i could get my thought/point across without communicating anything directly such as talking.

I think communication is sometimes, just a road block to expressing out my mind.

But ofc, there is other beauties of "communicating". It allows your creativity maybe...

If someone could just read my mind when i wanted them to, that'd be really good.

There was just a time where i thought "why communicate, it's such a hassle". It's only words we adapted, after a while. It's our pure thoughts,that is original.

This discussion could go big.

I don't know how this is related, but i think all people 'understand' best by example. you can't understand something, unless, you KNOW about it. "knowledge". That's why it's useless talking to, say 2-3 yr old kids about...puberty. They haven't gone through it yet, how would they know. And when describing something, the person must have a picture in their mind (however they portray it, or visualize it). They hafta either have seen exactly what you are describing, or references and relative stuff that make it up.

"Basically, they learn, by what they know." bottom point.

To 'care'...(i will edit this further later, a bit rushed)

To “care” is to lay a heavy burden on your back too. Because what he or she experiences, is what you also experience. You share what he/she shares. His/her worries, are also your worries. Do you see what I mean? You would have to feel the same ‘pain’ the other one does. I don’t think anyone in this world is like that. Because we all think for ourselves, our own perspective!

I always think back about parents. Whatever happens to you, it’s like it’s happening to them (or at least they make it feel like it). When something bad happens to you, they felt it too. Basically, what affects you, also affects them. You do bad in school, it breaks them (altho, sometimes I have another explanation for that). I’m sure it is not 100% exactly, but it’s the closest example I could find.

- And to truly care, you would hafta ‘understand. “Understand”, in other words, being that person…is the only 100% way to understand.

It is almost like, “If a ‘friend’ does bad on a test, would you truly care if he did bad or not? You can feel bad…because it might make YOU feel bad.” (small example)
“If you did bad on a test you would freak out, would you freak out the same way for your ‘friend’?”

I think that is what care is. To feel what they feel, to almost be like one. That way, you ACTUALLY look out for each other. Because you both share the same need to. Wow, I gave some in depth thought to this.

If a decision had to be made whether you, or your “all-caring person” had to die. If YOU could pick…

But we are humans, we can NOT feel exactly the same pain that another feels, we…just can not.

--//If we share ‘burdens’ like that…with everyone in this world…we would die. We wouldn’t be able to take it.

And actually, if that were true, there would be “no fighting”, no pain to bear with to even START with maybe…because, we’d know how it’d feel like if we hurt one another. The problem in this world is, that we DON’T. If I punched you, does it hurt me??....no, it hurts YOU!. If it hurt me…would I keep punching…

It explains a bit why peace is so hard to find in this world...

maybe because you don't know pain, you're not the one experiencing it.

“do to others, as you would have them do to you”, that verse is always with me, and it just popped up right now.

--// thirdly, 3) an explanation could be: other people’s pain, makes you feel good, why? Why do we feel better, when we make other people feel worse? What is that about…

Lol.

Funny...or un-Funny?

Today, i tried something new, and maybe 'weird' for the people around me, I did not laugh at any of the fun 'dirty' jokes that i used to laugh at, just cuse everyone else did. It was hard, and part of the relationship must have been lost like that...but you know, why laugh at something you don't even agree with. I felt bad overall, cuse i make the other person feel bad for telling the joke. It's just instant, "conflict, tension" right there.

Like, i didn't even know how long i could keep it up, i just gave it a try, and it was REAL hard. And i don't exactly feel good after doing it either, but i wanted to show my christian identity. And i don't think laughing/agreeing with un-glorifying jokes is a good way for ppl to see you as a christian (know what i mean?). I don't know if that's a good way though. Cause how would you feel, if i didn't laugh at your jokes? disrespect? disagreement? dis-friendliness (if that's even word). Well, you'd feel stupid for sure, if you're the only one that thinks it's funny, and no one laughs at all. But yea, in my case, I was like an outcast? who rebeled and went against his joke, when people would be laughing. So he'd be like "What the heck".

NOT conforming with the world, and being transformed by Jesus is NOT very easy. It takes an effort to establish that relationship first.

--//I don’t believe that there is such thing as an "all-caring person". Except for God.

--//I think It’s good to be funny. Being humorous is a good thing. But if you fail, people don’t like it either, so what should the action be. It's very hard. Sometimes even when you try, it's still not enough. What more can you do? It's hard in this world out there.

"Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I try not to say extra stuff that I don’t mean."

i sorta follow that. I try to. Cuse it affects your genuineness. It's a better habit.

love > Hate

Showing love is so much better than showing hate.

Some ppl might feel good after showing hate, you know that feeling right...(like i used to, and still do sometimes)

But love rules!

In a way, it's like love conquers all the hate there is...so that's why love rules (over hate)! love > hate. Instead of showing hate next time, show an act of love. When you most feel like "hating", and there's no reason for you to love at all; then that's the time to show love. It feels good.

Don't be so easily angered..

"Love...is not easily angered.." (1Corinthians 13:5)

--//the story behind: so i got so annoyed of this guy, i thought the most nastiest thoughts about him, i wanted to show an act of nasty-ness towards him, but instead, i showed an act of gratefulness. And when i did, then i thought otherwise about him. First it felt good to not show anger/hate, and second, i thought "he really wasn't so bad"...i just judged too fast.

Also, be slow to judge others, don't...jump to conclusions (like i always do)

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37)

So overall, i just think it'd be a good idea, to not think bad about someone...just from a first impression. (altho, that's what first impressions are all about). And even when you do, act out of kindness, it shows who you are, it shows an example of who we christians are all about!

--//My goal: Is to become a confident man! Confident-speaking, confident in action...yes, then how will i lead ppl...

i hate the way the world thinks.

--//all ppl care, is about partying, booties, hot-ness, being on top/respected/attention/loved by everyone. If ppl lose repspect for you, it's everything. Also, "Authority" (hence, "swearing" i believe, it gives it more strength).

And having friends...not good friends, but friends to back you up, so you can pick on, and beat up others. Bringing down other ppl, in the name of friendship.

When you and someone else agree with something, you're friends, why? so you can beat the other person down, who opposes you (this may not be entirely true, just an opinion).

you gotta be fake in order to make friends too, ya know. When does being your "true" self make a lot of friends? The point of that statement, i think was just to express how desperate and valuable ppl value "friendship" (whether it be used well or not)

And that's why "friends/back/respect/blah blah blah"...mean so much..

God brings us together. God is the common factor (i think that makes sense).

Since i'm so bad at explaining...and usually the first time, is the charm, so

I'm just gonna paste this...

†Conan Yu - @UOIT, messed up night says:
*lols wow, something so...weird jus happened to me rite now
† jenny says:
*what happened?
† Conan Yu - @UOIT, messed up night says:
*some random girl
*or i thot she was a girl
*came in to my room
*and started asking me to use and borrow everything, like phone, internet, etc..
*like, i honestly had no idea who she was
*and she wouldn't really tell me anything
*but she came in
*and she said "...i don't wanna go to jail again..."
*"i have a baby, and family..."
*"so plz help me"
*so i was like...
*OMgoodness
*what do i do
*man, i don't even know what i did was right
*but i...ended up helping her
*yo at first, it was kinda scary
*not because she was scary
*but i thought it was like a temptation or somethin
*because she...kinda, took off her clothes in front of me
*not ALL of it...
*So in my mind, im like "What's going onnn..."
*And at some point, i thought i would hafta run out of the door, just like a pastor who had told me a similar story had done before.
*but then after, all she really needed was help
*so, ends up, she snuck in to this res somehow (she doesn't even go here, or go to skool, or anything, she has a family and kids)
*came here to party or sumthin i think
*and she needed my help to sneak out, without any cameras seeing her, cuse apparently, she came in 'illegally' somehow?
*so...that was wackk
*lolls
*didn't know what to do
† jenny says:
*ooohhh
*>_<
† Conan Yu - @UOIT, messed up night says:
*it was like...12:00, i mean...cmon, that's partying time?
*yea, that's the story
† jenny says:
*loll
*maybe she was drunk
† Conan Yu - @UOIT, messed up night says:
*and all tHAT happened
*while u were showering!
*no, i don't think she was
*cuse...
*she was serious after...
*she started crying
*and im like...what the heckk...am i supposed to do
*a women i don't even know...in my room...crying
*like, that situation is awkward enough
*but yeaa
*i really don't know what happened to her now
*i just..."did what i had to do"
*like you know me, i always end up helping ppl...

So originally, i was all scared all of a sudden, that i will fall into this temptation, like, that it was devil's work. But in the end, it was...serious business, i guess? I think i made her cry, because i was so mean to her. I think i kept giving her this..."look" that i give. And i think she sensed it and started crying. Even she said "You're probably thinking, 'What is the girl doing in my room' (starts crying)."

But, that was an unexpected...event.

But ok, out of all this, the point is...maybe i thank God, for giving me the sense & mind of resistance to temptation. Because i was so resistive that she would...iunno, sexually seduce me, i was mean to her. and in turn made her cry. I don't know if that turned out for the better...but...yea.

uh, i hope you don't mind jenny, for the sake of expressing what i needed to. Just let me know if you do. lol

Nobody will Breakkk You...

The title actually has nothing to do with this, it's just i was listening to that verse while writing this blog (Beside You - Marianas Trench)

If you’re natural, you’ll do it without even knowing it.
If you think it, dwell on it, you’ll never be able to do it (even if you know exactly what you want to do, and a desire to do it). Everything is “for” doing it, there is nothing "against". So why, The evidence doesn't support the conclusion. What is this “unknown force” holding me back.

Because it exists, the chance to not be able to do it. I don’t know how many times, I keep saying this. I don’t know when I’ll ever learn.

But you know what I do to solve it. When I dub it “not important” anymore. But sometimes, that’s a hard thing to do. But it really is something you can value less important, cuse it is somethin earthly. Anything but God word, shouldn't be THAT important...