Struggles, Inner struggles. Inexpressible Struggles

I tell myself I can't do it. But I CLEARLY know...I can. It doesn't make sense in this world, only my world. hmmph.

How can i not do something, when I can do something. Arghh, a struggle of a lifetime. People might think I'm on drugs or somethin. I don't make any sense at all.

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It's a scar for life...I can't even lift...an amp. Ok, that's reasonable, cuse it's heavy, but when is it going to go away? This pain, can't even do what I regularly do, let alone play softball. Dang, my dad was right, I don't like the fact that he's right.

The Big Day (Everyone's happiest time)

I'm feelin really nervous...for this upcoming wedding. I don't want to ruin a memory of a lifetime O_O.

And I feel lazy at the same time...wow, that's unheard of...to play the piano, I'm never lazy! But I am now...

Why am I this tired?? lol, and this lazyy.

Think. Don't think TOO much. Don't Overthink

Haha, I got social problems, but I learned to live with it.

It's all in the head. My head just generates...all these things. These things...that really don't need to be there.

Why do I ALWAYS have diarrhea during my exams! (mainly during uni) LOL

Rising Generation...(my opinion)

The generation now, and later to come, are less disciplined, rebel, spoiled (I could be included)...

But they're also smart, knowledgeable & experienced at the same time...well, what "kind" of experience is arguable. But the point is the later generations pick up and know more things than us now! Because...they're exposed to more? negative or positive you say? Not to be negative...but I'm leaning more towards 'negative'...there's so many new 'worldly' things as time passes, and the world develops.

They can use it for positive things. But most of the time, it's negative. Because the origin, it stemmed off from a negative source? beginning? As long as it's earthly, and not "God-like" then yea.

I may not be exactly sure what I'm sayin here LOL, but wutevers. I blogged what I felt like..

Cool people, and stuff

This guys cool...I didn't know he was christian. And...he played drums for...only 6 years (from 16 - 22), I played more than that...

http://www.youtube.com/user/deedlebag?blend=1&ob=4#p/search/0/FA-23kWAvio

http://www.youtube.com/user/deedlebag?blend=1&ob=4#p/search/2/OL8nonY4QI8

P.S. How do you show ACTUAL videos from links, instead of only just putting the links there?

I stole this...

To be a Christian, means to be totally out of control. Out of control of our lives, our actions, our way of thinking; because if we are trying to be in control of this, we missed the memo. That's Someone Else's job.

- Kevin Gabriel (on fb)

Soft is good.

Today, I pray for a...soft...heart.

The truth must be said, I can't help it...

Before you read this...I know, God's made me the way I am, and it's not His fault obviously. But I feel partially the responsibility is on me, the way I turn out. Like, I hafta pull my part too, and so...back to what I originally wrote:

*

Partially the reason why I hate the way I am, is cuse i have a tendency to piss people off. Not exactly that I'm trying to, i mean, I'm actually trying to do the opposite. But it seems the harder I try to "not piss ppl off"...it pisses them off. Yea, and i can see why...like, i can understand...i don't blame them for being pissed. Because i would be too, I see where they are.

I'm one of those people who try SO hard to "not get people pissed at me", (like I'd get over-sensitive by that); who try to win everybody, who tries to be friends with everybody.

If I were somebody else lookin at this, I wouldn't like me either. I wouldn't like this "body" that I am...that attitude.

And my speech...it just adds on to the disaster. The more I talk, the bigger the hole deepens. I always use the wrong words at the wrong times.

*

--//Today in Sunday School, I taught the kids to "Tell the truth!"...also a reminder to myself lol.

Why can't I breathe, whenever I...

I get really captured, distracted, and pulled away by these things called "emotions".

Why are they so extra strong in me? Like, most people I know, don't have this problem.

I just let it...consume me. Like I can't move on. I can't do anything about it. I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I want. Sorry, don't judge me on that. I didn't steal Paul's words lol.

More dots

--//One of the things & people I look up to: When a person takes the time to "know" everybody else on their own personal level, while doing his job/position as service. Such as, instead of a worship leader just "leading worship" (which includes, picking out songs, running them over with "team"), He gets to know everyone on his team, and has a relationship with them. Those are the type of people I admire the most. *Thumbs up* to them. His/her worship team also feels comfortable talking to the worship leader about anything.

Watch it...

Watch out when you are complimented, or praised too much...

That is the beginning of arrogance, boasting, and non-humility, not humbleness...

Because you know it's true, what they say...

And when you know it's true...you will be very tempted. You will be lifted "high", and start to marvel at how great you are, forgetting WHY you're that great. The main source of that greatness. The struggle of humility begins..

James 1:9-10

"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower."

"Encouragement" is one thing, but if you take that encouragement, and follow your own evil desires of it, then it becomes pride. The focus, the worshiped, is not God anymore. It's you.

Why do humans need "Pride" so much!

Strengths...or...Weaknesses, Which should I pick?

"If you pay attention to your weaknesses, you'll just have stronger weaknesses. If you pay attention to your strengths, you'll have stronger strengths."

I learned that in Psych class today. LOL ofc I didn't actually learn it. I just keep getting reinforced, reminded, and come to a realization about it. All I can say is, a second opinion always has effect. But I keep telling myself this stuff, and all I do is type...

--// Opposites attract? so it's true. hmmm. It's suppose to be good to marry someone diff from yourself, or...let's say, things don't work out as well if you marry the "same" type of person as you, as time progresses farther. Another word was used actually...but yes.

Oh, and I'm a Golden Retriever

stands for people who are:

- soft...

- easily bossed, or basically don't like bossing other ppl around...

- don't want to start anything (such as fights, etc.)...

- Rather not confront ppl, even though there's something you'd like to express

- Just want to stay out of crap

- likes to get along with everyone (doesn't like making enemies)

- Doesn't like hurting people (that in turn, make enemies)

- Avoids things, avoids getting people mad, hurt, does not want ma fan,

- don't like change

- sensitive, self-conscious

- caring

- wants to be loved by everyone

- Wants appreciation

- indecisive

- Unable, incapable of expressing him/herself, emotions, mental, physical

So i should get with a NON-Golden Retriever...maybe a Lion? I donn't knoww how that would work out....

Lions are the ones that go: "What ever i say, goes. Screw you if you don't like it. If you come in between me and my goal, somebody gonna get the hurt real bad."

--//So today, ate dinner with "wo de mama"...at Chakos. Made up for it yesteday.

No title, sorry

I went cherry-picking with my mom today...in my own BACKYARD.

edit: Sorry, AND my dad...in fact, my mom didn't do anything. She said she'd come out, and then never did. But it's cool, we last time already...she's tired.

--//Oh, and Happy Birthday Mother! I'm so bad...I forgot. But I'll make it up!

I know...

Girls, we'lll never really understand them...we're too different. Hey, it's not a negative thing girls. It's just, I'll never get you guys.

The way God just created us both. That was pretty intelligent, unique, interesting...and so strangely different we are...it's not something you can easily look and tell...pretty sneaky of His creation. From normal eyes we look the same, well ofc with physical differences, but more or less the same. But "humans" is a broad term, we were divided into male & female, child & adult (lol iunno), but we sure have different ways of seeing things at those different points in time. Darn, I confuse myself.

Women (REAL women, no offense hopefully):

- have different struggles than us

- have different interests than us

- thinks differently from us

- Emotionally different from us

- Talks differently from us

- Something we can't just understand (even in they tell us, i say you truly understand someone, only if you ARE them...or you can, be in their place somehow. Words can never describe everything.)

haha, forgive my mo liu's

Teachers, Leaders & kids

I feel like such a bad leader. Arghh, what kind of example do I set. How can a leader possess these traits. I'm not talking about the same stuff as before.

I really do set a horrible example to look up to. The little kids, aren't the ONLY ones looking up to me. But the bigger kids (highschool, teens, I only call them kids because I'll be, and am a teacher to them)...they're important too. They will look at me as a mentor, and I have already been given the name of a 'counsellor', someone to learn from and follow after. I can't continue to act immature, as I please to be. This is a role...a responsibility now.

James 3:

¹Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ²We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

Man, and clearly, i JUST did a Bible study on this. Do I just...not soak it in?

And also...

¹³Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. ¹⁵Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. ¹⁶For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

¹⁷But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.¹⁸Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

--//And now, and even before, I realized all these thoughts are presented, but never solved. hmm, even more thinking...and thinking...what do i do about it?

--//Oh yea, one thing about Kids are (more so, the little kids)...I don't know how to respond to them. Like, just the stuff that kids say...I don't know what to say back. I don't know what a GOOD response is lol. I DO want to get along with the kids...AND create an environment so they can benefit from it spiritually (which will involve consequences & punishment).

Haha's.

Haha, I taught my mother drums today. =P

--//Haha, then I jammed with her. =). Me guitar, Her drums.

Moses & Me.

Do you know who I feel like right now? I feel like Moses.

The main jist behind it is, he's a shy guy. I'm a shy guy. He didn't feel "capable". I don't feel "capable".

So the only part that's left is the trust part. The part where I trust in God and let Him lead me to be able to greater things. Greater things that I ever thought I would do.

But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

¹² And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain."

¹³ Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"

God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

Moses answered, "What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The LORD did not appear to you'?"

Response: Exodus 4:2-8 (God shows Moses miraculous signs to give to israelites to prove that the LORD had appeared to him)

Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

But Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."

I've just outlined all Moses' doubts (in torquoise...or baby blue?)...and they all seem to be my doubts, also.

Although i don't do things as significant as Moses, but i do feel this familiarity when I read this...

Prayer Request: Please pray for me again, that I gain strength...just like Moses did...and became a GREAT leader.

Night of Music

Today was a very inspiring, musically influencial night. Lol I wanna become a REAL musician.

My daily thought.

I always longed to be with/around people.

But now I get/understand the other side of it. People who normally/usually aren't around people that much, don't feel the need to be around people. They don't need to have friends to be with...in order to "survive". I sorta see it now.

I used to think without another soul to be with, it was impossible to survive. It was a necessity. And it some ways...it is. But that necessity can die away sort of, if you realize you don't need it anymore. That you have other things, to keep you on your feet (by that, I mean stuff to do, not literal survival).

That is opposed to people who do normally "chill" with friends. When it's a consistent thing, you will miss, crave to be with 'people' when you haven't been for only a day (short time). It's hard to stand a day without being with those people. Guess what I'm saying, is pretty obvious.

But people without friends, they wouldn't even notice it. It was never introduced to them, they can't miss something, they never had. They don't know this "wonderful" thing that their missing out on (if it's wonderful at all).

But now I know, when you're alone a lot...you'll be used to being alone. You no longer cling on to "needing" other people to make you feel not alone. With this said, that you have other stuff that keeps you preoccupied ofc.

Impulse

- I actually envy some people. I mean, I think I've been feeling quite selfish lately. I'm jealous of those who are missed. When I'm not. I always have to imagine, fantasize the feeling of being "missed". It seems like a great feeling, I guess, that someone's thinking about you. It almost tells you the person you are...to them. Which in turn reflects who you think you are.

--Impulse Update

Why am i so open? I've been asked before. Because everyone makes it seem like sharing the stuff I do, is almost forbidden or unheard of. It's stuff that you would never say in front of a crowd. But the only thing is, you NEED a crowd to say it in front of. You want to get it OUT, not let it stay in. You want help, accountability, advice...so therefore, you seek it.

Also, one main thing is, this may be a good or bad reason...but I want understanding. I want people to UNDERSTAND me, why I am like I am. That's one of the biggest reasons, one of the motives I have. That just makes me feel so much more better and comfortable, when people understand. Here's one more side of the truth: "It's also so I can be excused of the actions I commit because people now understand why." I already fully know that's wrong. That's taking advantage. I shouldn't be using this "understanding" that I've gained to use it against EVERYbody. Altho no one ever said it was a "privledge" to do so. It's comfort...but at the same time, you can abuse that comfort. Go overboard, which turns into taking advantage.

It's the truth.

--//I need an accountability partner.

Pneumothorax

ARgh, my Pneumothorax is acting up again. Please pray for me.

Women, Again.

I don't like to admit it, But hot girls are my weakness.

Whatever you call it. Intimidation. Nervousness. Confusion. Uncontrolled. It's all there when conditions are right. Earthly desires always get the best of me. Am i that weak? Or am I...me.

I really HATE it when I'm captivated by a girl. Losing all I am in front of her. No longer thinking for myself, or thinking "like" myself. I hate having to be defeated every time.

It can also be called a distraction/interference with that of my normal behavior. It really doesn't matter who, boiling down to it. As long as it's someone who I care my impression affects.

One thing I always tell myself, (note: "tell myself" only), is that why would anything earthly be important to me, if I got God? God created these things. Why not be attracted to the creator instead? How would I benefit ultimately from pleasing these earthly beings, after the end of everything. We all know, it doesn't matter in the end. So whyy...DOES it matter! (By that, I'm saying it matters to us human beings, since we're human. But that's not exactly an excuse.). Is our faith in the Lord not strong enough? Do we not believe His power? His beauty? His Sovereignty? Why else would we push away One with such GREATness for something that will never EVER matter when it all comes down to it.

I don't understand why we wouldn't rely, trust in God with all our hearts, if we really believed Him for who He is. I dunno...follow me?

And I used to, haha, always blame God...for making all these things, making it so HARd for us.

But James 1:13-15

"When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. ¹⁵Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

--//Just as a side note: I've been thinking and noticing...that people always tend to talk with the interesting, fun-going, comfortable, easy-to-get-along with guys (or girls). But for the socially awkward, the uncomfortable, the socially slower ones...no one ever approaches them.

I don't want to be like that...I try really hard to not be like that. Please give me an understanding heart to not be like that, and in fact approach more people (not selectively). Be a welcomer, an encourager, a comforter. Sounds like a challenge.

I know, I know, there just people you DON't wanna be around with sometimes. e.g. Selfish people, cuse they're annoying.

But it's such a challenge to include them also...at least for me. It's like how can you provide warmth and comfort to them, when in the back of your mind, your as annoyed as heck. I need You, Lord Jesus, to change that. And I pray for everyone as well, in the community of our church.

Don't mind me...

I've got short-term memory. It affects relationships. Because believe it or not, humans base relationships from the memories (obviously). How can you have a relationship with someone when you can't remember all the stuff you did together. Or maybe the other way around, how do you know you guys ended off with a bad relationship, when you don't rmb the fight you guys had. Ok, that's bad example, but yea.

e.g. I forgot i was on "good-terms" with her, and acted like...how i would act, when i don't talk to ppl for so long. Awkwardly. Or silent, like we used to have a grudge or something.

I feel sorry for socially awkward people, because i understand a little of their "pain"? I believe that they're born that way, that it's just in their genes to be awkward (obviously there are some exceptions to "change", ppl can change, yes). I know how it feels to have no one talk to you, I can't imagine how it would be for them. Or maybe I don't know that. They might like it like that, for all i know. But most humans, want to be together, want people to be with. So I highly doubt it.

A Dream.

It's true. We dream what we want...the "fantasy" we want to happen...

Most of the times, almost every time, I wish each dream would come true. If i could live in a dream forever...that would be...ok?

The only sad part is, you hafta wake up. It's like giving me what I always wanted...and then taking it away. How would that feel? I dunno, really.

One thing i don't understand is, dreams don't hafta make sense. So I can't even tell when I'm dreaming. Like, some people can. But i never think to myself in the dream: "Should i stay in this beautiful dream?" or "I need to get out of this nightmare".

But i gotta say, most of these "dreams" are earthly (kinda obvious). Well, I dreamt I went to heaven once!...not the same...the experience was, hmmm, interesting (good & bad maybe?).

--// hey, I heard from a source, that dreams tell you what you "really" want, unconsciously.

Cuse i don't KNOW what i really want. My dreams tell me LOL (a.k.a. they tell me stuff i don't even know). This is such a weird, random, awkward topic but...I won't discuss how i got into this.

Intelligences

i don't have linguistics, mathematical, interpersonal (good with communication), intrapersonal (good with analyzing things), and spatial intelligence.

But God's ...blessed me with music intelligence, I am now thankful for that. I'm happy with it.

I used to not be. I wanted everything. I was pretty down and selfish about it, that i couldn't possess all the rest. But God made me, ME. So I guess it's up to Him, He's God, not really in our place to choose.

And that one gift is my gift, that God chose to give me. It is a prayer that I use that gift to it's fullest to serve who He is.

GUITAR

I got an electric ACoustic Guitar!!! I am pretty blessed...once again.

I have a guitar, an amp, the cable, the case...but no pick, I forgot it. -_-