Journal Entry: #10

I get really captivated by women very easily. Too easily. They are almost like a temptation in my life. And indeed, the act of thinking a certain way about women, a lustful way, is a tempting sin. But I don't want it to be because of that, that I don't...interact with women or anything lol. Just cuse I'm afraid of this. I mean, nothing is really wrong with them, it's me and my mind who makes something supposdely pure, into something that is utterly sin.

Like, I can have a great relationship, with friends of the opposite sex. Women/females are great people LOL (haha). But, I hate the fact that I can get trapped by what/who they are, and be powerless, kinda thing. I don't want my mind to let itself be controlled by beauty, or something.

When I have feelings for someone, I no longer know if the feelings are real or not. Is it just..."ho gum"? there is definitely something wrong, when you look at every girl, and say that "I like her". Just because you like "something" about her...and that has already captivated you. Know what I mean? Very few things be needed...to captivate me. If a girl is caring (which is a lot of girls)...or nice...or considerate, kind-hearted; that's all I'd need for my mind...to just be all over her. I dislike my vulnerability like so.

And on top of that, I have speech disorders (or that's just what I'm going to call it, even though it really isn't), it is very apparent, when I am trapped or captivated by some women or somethin. So at times, I'm not sure if I'm the only one that feels this way, cause I feel an extremity in my emotions compared to many others.

This is one of the many personal & honest things that I write...and perhaps now, have shared it to many people. I don't know what this has done, in sharing it, but this is really my journal of thoughts that I just keep. And if people read it, they read it.

Important Reminder (High Priority)

I just want to put this verse on, as a reminder:

"At the second coming of Jesus Christ, God will judge the church first before He judges the world"

1 Peter 4:17

so that may we not forget that He WILL be coming again. He will. That second part is what I failed to notice, or ever see...is that we (us 'christians' that go to church) will be the ones judged first. A reminder like this was needed.

Thank You Elsie!

Thank You So MUCH Elsie for the gift!...

I have a feeling it will be used a lot...

Life

I did not do well…on that orgo exam.

I realized, I don’t really like chemistry. I don’t really like Science. And I don’t really like math (but it’s a little better than science)

I don’t think Science is going to be something I enjoy doing…or for that matter, excel at.

So while I was writing my exam actually, I started thinking about my passion or what I wanted to really do or go into, in the future LOL. I wasn’t doing much else anyways, I was staring at a blank sheet in front of me, so might as well. I just wanted to pass that course…or not, I don’t know if it matters too much to me anymore.

So, I thought that, perhaps if I went into music, I would enjoy it a lot better. Doing something you like, or something you are passionate about is definitely something that isn’t wrong, in my view. But today, I knew how it would feel like to continue studying something that I really do NOT like, and have no interest in. It’s not goina work out like that…I gave it a chance, a year and a half.

I definitely want to do something…that I will DEF enjoy doing, and make it…my life.

We look like fools, craving for attention from the one that we “like”. Once we ‘like’ someone, or have feelings towards someone, then we keep trying so hard to get them to notice us, and be able to impress them. We would do many things…to do that. It almost seems they have controlled us, the way we act…when we are around them, or in front of them, except, they don’t really know it. We kinda put this on ourselves, and it’s all an inner battle for us to struggle with this matter.

It’s not their fault, but we feel like it is, when they don’t give attention back to us, when we expect them to.

Pride ughh

Some people just have too much pride…including myself.

But I realized how much I hate people…with soo much pride, and I probably have a lot, and show a lot myself, and hide a lot in my heart, I think thoughts of pride and arrogance. I am reminded of that verse:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

Matthew 7:3

I feel like that person who is looking at the speck of sawdust in another brother’s eye.

But I just find it real annoying having to deal with someone with pride. It's just what I detest the most, most likely because...I too have it. You usually hate the things about other people the most, that you possess also, because you would know where they are coming from also, and you know their intentions. Just like how you know your own. That is why you too tend to get annoyed too.

Question

Sometimes I ask myself the question: "Do I not like studying LifeScience, or...do I just not like studying?"

Cuse you know, whether I study music, science, arts, math, etc. It really doesn't matter if I'm really someone who just does not have an attitude to study and am just...lazy perhaps. I'm trying to differentiate between the two. Whether I dislike studying, or dislike WHAT I'm studying, iunno. Whether I needa step up my game, or reconsider a switch in studies.

Future Destination (in this life)

Lately, after some stimulation in thought, I've been thinking if I will be staying in UOIT after this year. If Life Science doesn't work out for me (for many reasons)...I may hafta switch out, and perhaps switch university.

I would only need to switch out, say, if I wanted to take 'music' somewhere else. Not saying that this is what I'm planning to do, or that my thoughts are leaning towards that. But if that happens, I WILL hafta switch schools.

And so my parents keep asking me, to reflect, evaluate and consider the path I'm taking. How to prep for what's to come, and start thinking ahead of things.

Cuse, I have given it a thought that studying and doing something all my life that I am totally not going to enjoy, is gonna suck. Like, suck for a lifetime, or most of it. And most of all, I won't be doing things to the best of my ability if I have no interest and joy in it. Right?

I'm thinking a lot about it...

Infant v.s. Adult (Struggle)

I like the thought of being in "innocence".

You see, when I was a baby, I don't think I knew how to 'lust' over some girl, or if I cared about, really, what the world cares about today. This society in general, I'm speakin of.

Being innocent, I feel, is the farthest away from sin, as a human, that you will ever be. Cuse babies know nothing (maybe they do still, because we are born with a 'nature' within us), they don't really know much about sin yet. In my opinion, it gets introduced to them, as they grow, as this world gets more and more sinful. That is what is changing the generations to come. The world and society and community is changing. And if we were never introduced to it, I wonder how it'd be like, I'm sure we'd hafta worry about a lot less 'sin', or things that we have the knowledge of doing at this age in time. So that's why, I wanna be like a baby. But ofc, I want to have the decision and free choice as an adult. If only it could be possible for me to mature as an adult, but not be exposed or pervaded by sin. Just somehow, have a knowledge of "zero" of what sin is, because I don't think you can carry out an action or task of something that you don't even know existed. Basically, you can't think something, if it does not exist in your mind; like sin, in this case. I always thought if you know something is "possible to happen", then...it is definitely possible that it can happen. Right?!? lol. But if it is "not possible" in your head that something will happen, then it...WILL...NOT happen. Ofc, this applies to certain aspects only. More of the psychological aspect. It's like, you know how people say the expression (or maybe not): "I don't know what 'impossible'" is. I TOTALLY agree with that. It's because when you don't know what it is, or that it exists, just has nothing, no signal or trigger to you; then...it can not happen. That's what I believe. Iunno, you agree? Ok, so back to originally what I was saying, was going to refer to this:

1 Corinthians 14:20b:

"...In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults."

At the moment, I lust a lot. And I wonder, if I never grew up that way I am, would I still lust a lot? Both, with implications that: 1) The way I'm brought up as a child. 2) As an infant, we are not capable of...lusting? (don't know if true or not), because stuff about hormones and maturity?? Correct me if I'm wrong.

So, just had that thought, while I was lying on my bed one day (yet again).

Missed a Final Exam.

So today, I thought I had a final for my informal Logic course at 11:00am. Woke up at 6:00am to do some last minute review and studying. Kept reviewing...till it was about 10:00am. That's when I decided I was hungry and went out to get something to eat. So I sat there, enjoying my chicken burger, getting ready to go into my exam room. When I got there, the room was pitch dark, no one was there. So I thought I had the wrong room. I checked every other room, and they were also pitch dark. They must've moved to another room, I thought...but every where I looked, it just didn't make sense. It's like no one came to school today or somethin. So I finally went back to check the schedule (for like the 3rd time, this time I checked the time more intently)...and the starting time was 8:00am. I looked at the ending time as my starting time this whole time.

Called faculty advisor. Just waiting to hear from them now.

But I'd like to note that, I didn't feel as frantic and panic-ing that I thought I would have been. I'm beginning to feel...more worry-free, as a person. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But I'm not as worried...about stuff anymore. Like, I no longer feel the need to be stressed and tense over things like this. I am not worried about failing anymore.

All this is because, I think my mind has changed in a way, that it knows it has better things to worry about than stuff like this. Better things to worry about than things that are of this earth. <---I guess not ENtirely like that. But what's worrying going to do? Make things better than it is? And am I gonna die, if I don't pass this? No. So like, in this situation, I just felt more calm (where usually I would not be, back some time ago). Like if things don't go well, then they don't go well. God knows what He's doing.