- I am so weak. I conform so easily. I just want to be accepted...so bad (I am almost 'addicted' to it, and I do not know why this drive is so big, it has become a drug that I need, something I must have over anything else, something that clearly distracts me from my focus at hand). I can't even get myself to speak my heart out, afraid that I would offend anyone with one very word that I would say. I'm not one of those people who like to make enemies (that's saying the least), but in doing what I do, that is exactly what happens (it happens the way exactly I don't want it to happen). I do what I do not want to do, and I do not do what I want to do (that is SO not taken from anywhere). I try my best not to do it, because I actually think it's disgusting when people do it (that's right, i said disgusting', that was the word I had at the moment). It kinda gets on my nerves when people try so hard to be accepted (scared to say wrong things, always saying 'good', 'right' things to people so you'd never get any trouble, flatter), so I don't really want to be one of those people. But, yet I am so often, which I hate.
- The words just never come out of my mouth right; that's 'ok' at times...but not so 'ok' when I need them to...
- And I noticed...I can't look people in the eye when I talk. Why is that? I tend to look away...
Speculation: I think I'm scared of people...or humans...like I'm socially scared of other humans. Doesn't really matter who you are...
- The more I try to build a relationship with someone, the more it falls apart...it's like my efforts are rebound (in a negative direction).
- I haven't been spending time and developing my relationship with some ONE enough...and I need prayer for that. because...
"when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on"
Lord I need you to hold me together.
2 comments:
Yo Conan, I read your blog it reminded me of this quote I read, It’s from a book, How People Change, on the intended purposes of (all) relationship.
"...meaningful relationships are often avoided. They require work, sacrifice, humility, and selflessness. While the idea of loving another person taps into something inherently human, it also exposes our sinful self-centeredness...At one level we want friendships. At another level we don't want them! In creation, we were made to live in community, but because of the fall, we tend to run from the very friendships we need. Quite often our longing for them is tainted by sin. We pursue them only as long as they satisfy our own desires and needs. We have a love-hate relationship with relationships! The Bible recognizes this profound tension, but still places our individual growth in grace in the context of the body of Christ...the work of redemption involves our individual relationship with Christ alongside our relationships with others." (pgs. 75-76) (see also: Romans 12: 1-8; 1 Corinthians 12; Ephesians 2:14-22; 4: 7-16; 1 Peter 4: 10-11)
I'm totally with that!...
thanks for sharing....
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