"Why were you so down?"....

I was asked...

Well, u no, here it is...

It's just, I get SO disappointed every time (and im tired of it!)...

Like, i don't know who i am to these ppl. But they're a lot to me. They're someone i always wanna rmb. They're on my desktop, i look at them everyday.

I wanted (or felt that...) someone should at least talk to me. Except...well, someone(s) did (and thanks for that)...but in general, i felt pretty crap. Sometimes, i wonder how "close" we are...to each other...in each other's perspective.

I may suck at talking, cuse i don't much. I often don't even know what to say. But i expect 'warm love' every time we get to gather like this. And...the trend seems to be...im dissappointed every time. Every time, i look forward...get dissapointed, look forward AGAIN...get dissapointed again...and i finally looked forward to this day, for the past month...and...guess what?!, yea, whatever.

I tried to remember what Pastor Tim told us about, how "we always complain, why doesn't anyone comfort me, encourage me? come up and talk to me? Say 'hi' to me? Love me? I don't feel it! The love!....Instead, why don't we take that role ourselves and go and make others feel welcome! shake other ppl hands! Don't wait for them to shake yours! Spread the love to others!...instead of sulking by yourself, complaining, that you're not shown enough love. That is our job! Take it upon yourself if you know how it feels...if u no it's lonely when ppl don't talk to you, then talk to others!!"

I really liked that point that pastor tim mentioned...but today, i failed to do it. You know why...im not even gonna say that this a reason...but, i wish...I could TALK!! I wish i was good at talking!! I wish i was an exceedingly well friend maker!! Why can't i talk like everybody else...y do i just suck so much!...at everything, at engaging in a convos, being the one to be friendly to others first! WHYYY?!?

If you want me to pour everything out...I thought, these were the only ppl i could depend on. Ppl that maybe i would turn to? Ppl i would share to, or go to...for anything, i KNOW they would help me. Like, is that description good enough? There's not a lot of those kinds of ppl around for me. Basically, they were my "dependent ppl" i mean, well..."ppl i could depend on". There's a sense of security and comfortability whenever i think of them and see them. But how can that happen, if i can't even feel "close" to them?!? I don't know if they share the same value of that...with me, as much as i do.

So after service, in my head, i was picturing us...going out together and eating. Just us...1st yrs. But i don't even know where they all went after...i didn't give a 'shoot'...i just went home.

Last of all, im sorry if i kinda 'hurt' or offended anyone, when i stared them down a little, and didn't talk much.